Dear Darlene,
I have been reading your blog for almost two years now, and it really helped get my household and my relationship in order.
My husband and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary this month. Last June we welcomed our first baby (a beautiful honeymoon baby)... and that is when things went crazy.
My house is a mess again, my husband is working long hours so I can stay home (which we discussed way before we got married, so that part I understand)... there is just no time to get chores done.
It is frustrating because i had everything in order and perfect and I felt like i was doing my job, but now... ugh. I feel like I am failing at part of my responsibility. Not only does my husband not get the attention he used to, sometimes dinner isnt ready and the house is a wreck!
This little bundle of pink likes lots of attention all of the time. Put her down to start a load of laundry and the crying starts. I've tried wearing a carrier/sling but some things just cannot be done with her on me.
An experienced mother's advice would certainly help!
Thanks for your time,
New Mommy
My husband and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary this month. Last June we welcomed our first baby (a beautiful honeymoon baby)... and that is when things went crazy.
My house is a mess again, my husband is working long hours so I can stay home (which we discussed way before we got married, so that part I understand)... there is just no time to get chores done.
It is frustrating because i had everything in order and perfect and I felt like i was doing my job, but now... ugh. I feel like I am failing at part of my responsibility. Not only does my husband not get the attention he used to, sometimes dinner isnt ready and the house is a wreck!
This little bundle of pink likes lots of attention all of the time. Put her down to start a load of laundry and the crying starts. I've tried wearing a carrier/sling but some things just cannot be done with her on me.
An experienced mother's advice would certainly help!
Thanks for your time,
New Mommy
Dear New Mommy,
Congratulations on your baby and the upcoming anniversary. What an exciting year!
Do you realize just how much has changed for you in the past 12 months? You went from being a single woman to being a wife and a mommy! A little person came out of you. *wink*
Do you realize just how much has changed for you in the past 12 months? You went from being a single woman to being a wife and a mommy! A little person came out of you. *wink*
Not only are you a mom, you are mom to a newborn baby who demands so much of your time... Okay, I'm pretty much repeating everything you just said, aren't I? LOL
Let's take a look at these verses from Ecclesiastes 3 (NIV):
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Here's a line that really stands out to me when it comes to the topic of newborns: a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. What that says to me is that newborns need your full attention and while they do you can’t expect to have the house the way that you always dreamed it would be or the way that you used to have it.
My guess is that during your pregnancy you had a nesting stage. Most of us do. That’s the time in our lives when we go crazy decorating and cleaning the house. We are excited that everything is pretty and everything is in its place. Suddenly your arms have taken on a 24 hour job of their own and you’re looking around the house wondering when and how you’re ever going to have a clean house again.
It can feel like the house has been flipped upside-down at times, but take heart because there's a second part to that verse that I quoted which says, “a time to refrain from embracing.” That’s the stage when your kids start growing and you get busy taking them for walks, finger painting, going to the library, making cookies, etc. If Dad comes home and the house is a mess every day you might ask yourself, “Am I balancing things as well as I should be?” I'm not saying that all moms with growing kids have immaculate homes--what I am saying here is that we must always evaluate our lives to ensure that we are in balance.
Being a good keeper of your home includes keeping your children healthy, happy, and free from harm. Good wives learn to prioritize well and at this stage in your life a baby is your primary concern and more than a full-time job.
What I’d like to suggest to you is that you talk to your husband about your concerns. I think it might take a load off of your mind if he understands that your desire to keep the house clean isn’t in balance with your schedule or perhaps your energy level--at this time. Talking things out might help to ease your mind and perhaps you can pray about it and work out a solution together.
I’d like to add this. I remember that the cleanest my house has ever been was during those months when my children were crawling. Those were the immaculate seasons of my life because little hands were on the floor 24/7. Not only that, baby was off of my lap and I was hands free. You have to keep things off of the floor or they’ll eat it. Haha!
All this to say that you are walking through a season of your life that will change as quickly as it arrived. Do what you can and let go of that which you can’t. Embrace your baby and enjoy every minute you have.
In closing I'd like to offer you a link to a post I wrote a while ago called, "Organized Chaos." I hope it encourages you!
You are loved by an almighty God,
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I hear that! I felt so guilty when I would just sit with my newborn 2 years ago instead of cleaning house. I was raised on your worth being how clean your home is and what your hourly job outside the home brought in. So being a stay at home mom, though I was called by God to do it, went against everything I was raised with. Even after two years (my second baby due next month) my parents still make comments on how nice it is my husband works all the time so I can sit at home. I no longer have that guilt. Knowing I am doing the work God has in His plan for me and being more fulfilled than I ever have been, I am the number one cheerleader for moms who feel guilty staying home. What can be more important than sowing into your own children? I love my little guy. He's my little buddy and companion during the day, and Daddy's romping around buddy during the evenings and his days off. I know it will be no different when the next baby is born. I see my messy house not as a sign of laziness, but as a sign I value time with my kids more than battling the dust bunnies. Besides, they'll grow so fast that they'll be able to help soon enough. My 2 year old can already take his own dishes to the kitchen and pick up his own toys. Enjoy your babies, Mommas! They are only that little for the blink of an eye! That dirt will still be there long after your babies have moved out and started having babies of their own!
ReplyDeleteThis is great advice! A newborn is a full time job. I think if she talks to her husband about where her heart is, and they can try to steal a few minutes a day to spend together snuggling and/or talking, that everything will be okay. I tell my new mom friends that at 6 weeks you wake up and somehow life feels normal again. I think the first six (or more) weeks are purely survival mode! One day at a time, sweet friends!
ReplyDeleteI love the suggestion of snuggle time with Dad. That's so important. It's a big change for that core relationship.
DeletePS - I misread the first time. I for some reason was thinking the baby was just a month old. Oops!
ReplyDeleteWith each of my three babies, it has taken me at least 6 months to feel like I could keep my head above water. I have a 7 month old now - some days the house is clean and I have dinner on the table when my husband gets home and sometimes I haven't even managed to shower! But, I talk with him about how important he is to me and ask him what would most make him feel loved/respected/appreciated. I know he really likes dinner to be ready (or almost ready) when he gets home, he really likes the kitchen floor to be swept, and he really likes me to meet him at the door with a smile and a kiss. If I know those are the 3 most important things, then I can start there. If that's all I can get to on a crazy day, at least he knows I made him a priority. Our husbands know when we're trying hard and where our hearts are!
New Mommy
ReplyDeleteYou are going to make it. I am a sahm too plus two boys almost 3 and 4 years old plus a baby on the way in December. It's comforting to know it's all just a phase of life. Keep in mind this too shall pass. I have so been there counting the hours until the next nap or until they go to bed for the day. I usually have a few things I do everyday that helps at home. 1 when baby is done eating I unload the dishwasher and reload. At night I put one load of clothes in the washer and turn it on when we get up in the morning that way I get at least one load a day done. fold and put away before you do another load. Crock pot and casseroles are easiest to make. We do most of our cookng on the weekends for the next week. Sleep when your baby sleeps!i still nap with my boys to this day it's a great refresher and keeps emotions at bay.best of luck and lastly try to find an experienced mom at your church who had been there done that. Keep praying He will comfort you!
Excellent advice, Darlene. There is a season to everything. Life is full of them and it takes wisdom and patience to wade though sometimes.
ReplyDeleteTo the new mommy, what you're experiencing is nothing unusual. With my firstborn, she never slept during the day. Oh, she might doze for 20 minutes or so, but she never really slept (and btw, this lasted for about six months). On top of that, for the first four to six weeks postpartum, every waking moment she had the need to suck on something (usually me) or be held. It was frustrating because I had so much to do and felt chained to her at times. My husband would come home from work and I'd still be in my bathrobe and nightgown. Dinner wasn't even started. Some days just getting a shower seemed like an accomplishment. But you know these days will pass quickly and you'll have plenty of time to clean later. Trust me on that! There's nothing more important right now than holding that baby close. Enjoy this time; it passes too quickly. My only other advice is to read or meditate on God's word while you nurse Baby. That will boost your spirits and you'll feel like you've accomplished two things that day. Finally, be patient with yourself. Good luck!
Thank you for adding that, Leni. It's a good time to spend with God too! That you don't need extra hands for.
DeleteAs a mom who just went through the exact same thing, (my son turned 1 in June) let me say this: Your baby is only little once! A messy house can wait, or you can have friends and family help out with that part. When my little guy was really little, I didn't even both with a chore schedule and such. As he got older and I was able to put him in the swing, bouncer, car seat for periods of time, I worked out a VERY simple chore plan to keep up with the basics. I usually didn't start dinner until my husband came home and could hang out with the baby, and I cooked VERY simple food. KISS : keep it simple stupid, was my motto. If it didn't need to be done for survival, it didn't get done. My mother in law encouraged me to focus on things that needed to be done to keep the household running: dishes, laundry, and food. dusting and vacuuming can wait. May I also suggest taking advantage of any help you can get your hands on? Is there a teen in your church who would be willing to serve you by helping with some chores? Simplify everything, use paper plates and plastic cups, or see if you can ask the church for additional meal help (frozen breakfast burritos, oatmeal pucks, breakfast sandwiches) or even a meal a week that can provide you with leftovers as well. Re-evaluate often and see what you might be able to add to your day. Maybe it is as simple as being able to accomplish one chore while baby naps. Ask your husband for help too! My husband did most of the grocery shopping in the first few months, because it was just way easier. He also picked up and wiped down the bathroom when it got messy, and if it was simple enough he would make dinner on occasion. Hang in there, and don't forget to enjoy the baby! I'll finish with this:
ReplyDeleteCleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow...
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep,
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!
:)
I've been where you are five times and I know just how you're feeling and adjusting to the first baby was the hardest of all of them. I agree that you should let your husband in on how you're feeling about things right now and he'll most likely understand and possibly even help when he can. This is a wonderful but difficult (and short lived) stage and it's so important to remember your priorities of God, husband, baby, et cetera even though babies are extremely demanding and want first place. (Thankfully, God is our source of strength!) Your house is way, way down on the list and I'll bet if you go out of your way to give your husband your extra time, energy and affection, he'll be much less likely to care about the piles of dishes and laundry and the last minute meals. I'm all for taking naps with baby to gain extra energy for my husband and he appriciates it more than a clean house. I would also save the bulk of the house work for the weekend when my husband could help with the baby. I even had my mom over from time to time when I had newborns just to hold the baby while I worked.
ReplyDeleteGuilt and frustration steal your energy and they easily snowball out of control and can ruin this precious time you have with your baby and your husband. Be patient with yourself and remember God doesn't bless us with children to fill us with negative emotions. Enjoy the season you're in. It took me a few children to learn this lesson that I wish I would have practiced from the very beginning of motherhood. I'll be praying for you today.
I know exactly how you feel and my greatest advice is make this your daily thought: "this too shall pass"! I'm a stay at home mom to 4 kids and just when I felt like I was getting things together (finally) I had another baby! Before you know it they're independent and you can make your house spotless again. But keep in mind they'll just mess it up and you'll start the process all over again. :-) Embrace your choice of staying at home with your precious baby and as the other comments said, use the time where she just wants to be in your arms as times to pray, for your children, your husband, and your home. Be the wife and mother that God wants you to be, NOT the wife and mother that you THINK you need to be!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for this! I am expecting baby #2 and am dreading the upcoming sleepless nights, knowing I'll have zero time to myself, and knowing that my house will be a disaster. But, it is just a season. A very short one. I love the stage my daughter is at. She's 2.5 and can tell me what she needs, walk, feed herself etc. I want to be able to cherish doing everything for my newborn before she gets independent.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't mention what kind of baby carrier you have besides a sling, but you might consider getting a mei tai or a good quality buckle carrier like an Ergo or Beco Butterfly (much more comfortable for both you and baby than something like a Bjorn). I can honestly say there isn't anything I can't do (besides lay down!) with a baby in these types of carriers. Mei tais are especially handy with small babies because with a little practice you can put them on your back (www.kozycarrier.com has instructions) and I personally find it much easier to make dinner or clean a bathroom with baby on my back than in front.
ReplyDeleteI love all the encouragement on being a stay at home Mom, and enjoying the miracle of a young (because it is so fleeting) baby. I just wanted to suggest the book 'On Becoming Babywise'
ReplyDeleteas it encourages the husband/wife relationship as being the important family basis, and teaches you how to teach a baby how to sleep. A neighbour recommended it to me when I had my 2nd, and it helped tremendously. When I had my 3rd, things ran very smoothly. I loved the advice in this book (and I am not usually one for books of this sort)! Shauna
I had my 3rd baby on 7/28/2012. We are in the midst of newborn days. Phewy, it's tiring and not for the faint of heart. Mix in a bunch of post c-section medical issues for me and I'm just now starting to feel "normal" newborn days. With that said, thank you so much for this post. I found your blog in the middle of a sleepless night a few nights ago. I'm so thankful for what I read. I'm so thankful God led me here. I look forward to reading more as I sit, recover and take care of my newborn. (My husband is off for another 2 weeks and I'm needing to remember how completely blessed I am!)
ReplyDelete