Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Virtuous Life - 7 Ways to Cultivate Love in Your Marriage


Today we continue our series on The Virtuous Life of a Christ-Centered Wife. This is part 2 on the discussion of love. Please see the index below for previous studies.

In his book, The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis writes, "Agape love is the highest level of love known to humanity, a selfless love, a love that is passionately committed to the well-being of others."

It's the highest level of love because it's the one that reflects God's gift to mankind through His Son Jesus Christ.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. - John 3:16
There's a key ingredient in agape love which is often forgotten by mankind, but never forgotten by God.

It's grace.

Without grace love becomes a barter system where we give as much as we're given and forgive only when we're forgiven.

When love is seasoned with grace it reaches down to people who deserve it the least because they need it the most. It serves the other on the good days and bad.

This goes against our modern way of thinking which says that love is 50/50 and that it has to go both ways. That way of thinking isn't love for another, it's love that's looking out for itself.

One of the best and most beautiful examples of agape love is illustrated through the devotion of parents with a newborn child. They come into this world fully reliant on us, not able to reciprocate in any way, and needing to be cared for in every way.

It's a one-way street that's more fulfilling than any other kind of love because it reflects the perfect love of God.
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8
God's plan for marriage is perfect in every way. He designed both men and women to love each other more than we love ourselves.

Yes, it should go both ways. And isn't it nice when it does? Absolutely. But we can't let someone else's lack of character define who we are.

If we want to be virtuous women of strength then we must pattern ours lives after our Savior who won the victory over sin and death.

If we say to ourselves, "He's bitter, therefore I'm bitter." We're choosing to walk after the flesh.

If we say, "He's selfish, therefore I'm selfish." We're choosing sin over the righteousness of Christ.

But if we can say to ourselves, "I love others because God loves me." We're choosing the higher road which is paved with forgiveness and grace.

Does this mean our husbands are off the hook, or that they don't have to take responsibility for their actions toward us? Absolutely not. Scripture clearly teaches that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it. They are called to sacrificial love in the marriage.

Pastors, teachers and preachers are constantly reminding them to walk in love. But if they choose to turn their ear away from the truth they will be judged accordingly.

Our responsibility is to keep our eyes on the Father and walk in His ways. You can't fulfill your husband's role in this marriage, but you can fulfill your own.

You can't force another person to be who you want him to be but you can affect his heart by the way that you live. And let's not forget that we can be effective through prayer.

If you're looking for some practical ways to build up your husband and cultivate love in your relationship, here are seven ways you can start:

  1. Listen to what he has to say so that you will recognize what's on his heart.
  2. Be patient with him as he's growing in grace.
  3. Try to ignore his faults and focus on his strong points by taking note of them.
  4. Compliment him for the good things that he does like working hard for the family.
  5. See him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
  6. Be slow to anger. Relay your frustration with love and respect and let your communication be seasoned with patience and grace.
  7. Don't get angry when he's not loving you the way that you think you should be loved. But do look for opportunities to communicate your desires to him.


You are loved by an almighty God,



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Quick reminder! Tonight is the Women Living Well webcast. Our keynote speaker is Clare from Peak313.com. She'll be talking about a Christ-centered approach to fitness.

9pmCT/10EST

at WomenLivingWell.tv

This webcast is available for only 24 hours – so please watch it before Friday at 10pmEST.

Also joining Clare tonight is Janelle from ComfyInTheKitchen.com, KarenEhman from Proverbs 31 Ministries, and our host Courtney from WomenLivingWell.org

AND... There's a facebook party! 
Join us one hour before showtime (8pm CT) for some fellowship and prizes at:
www.facebook.com/peak313

session 5 speakers

8 comments:

  1. This post is so true. Last spring, I was contemplating separation, and it broke my heart because I love my husband, I know he loves me and we have four beautiful babies together. But his challenges with coping with stress brought stress on our family and our relationship, and I was starting to reason that I couldn't change that for him, and I could no longer live this way, so what choice did I have? I came across the 31 Day Marriage Challenge and followed the suggestions. He was overcome at suddenly being treated like a king; I was making his breakfast each morning at 6am before he went to work, packing his lunch, setting up the bathroom for him to hop into the shower when he got home (putting out the bath mat, selecting a fluffy towel and wash cloth and hanging it on the shower towel bar), making him a tea when he came in and rubbing his feet, and rubbing his back at night. I kept my mouth shut when he lost his cool on us, knowing that he already knew what he'd done wrong and didn't need to be scolded; I tried to look for opportunities to point out what a good dad he is, a hard worker, and all the little things he does for me that maybe I took for granted. Amazing things began to happen. Once he received grace from me instead of condemnation, it became easier for him to identify the root of his problem and take steps to change it. I was amazed to see that my behaviour made a difference, instead of seeing only what was wrong with his. We went from feeling like failures who'd let each other down, back on our way to enjoying life with the one God chose for us. Thank you and your contributors for letting God work through you to encourage marriages to survive, instead of being the worldly voice that says we should not put up with him if we are in any way unhappy, or that this is just the way life is and its' crummy so just accept it. I am still doing all those little royal treatments for him and have no intention to give them up. And he treats me like a Queen, too. Both of us find tremendous joy in doing so.

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    1. That is wonderful; thank you for sharing that!

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    2. Thank you for sharing...its exactly what I needed to hear right now. God has worked through you!

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    3. Enjoyed. Thank you for sharing.

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  2. I am enjoying the series very much. I may not enjoy feeling the conviction, but then again, I do know that even the conviction is good for me.
    One of the things that keeps running through my mind this past week is the statement "Well God wrote that back in a different era of time and that does not apply to today." Then the verse comes to mind "God is the same yesterday, today and forever." We cannot have it both ways, either God is the same, which brings tremendous peace to me, or He does change and the things in Scripture become irrelevant to me as a woman today.

    Either all of it is true or none of it is true, we cannot pick and choose which part of Scripture we like and which we can discard. We must accept the difficult with the easy.

    Thank you for provoking me to think and dig deeper and for nudging me to have a conversation with my Father.


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  3. I needed exactly this. My prayer to God was to heal the hurt and protect my heart from turning cold. Every time I am hurt I have two choices: respond with virtue for the Lord or become selfish and hard trying in vain to get through to my husband in a way that will fail.I always gravitate toward the latter for an hour or two and through keeping my mouth shut and fervant prayer God always softens me. Matthew 16:24 says -Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me....I just never assumed that cross would be my marriage. I do agree with the previous poster in that the best days of my marriage come when I focus on my responsibilities to God as a wife. What would God have me to do? That is an exercise in virtue that will last a lifetime. I need to clarify that my husband IS a good man. He is a hard worker and beloved by all who meet him. I just constantly struggle with being the very last in line on his priorities. The root of my bitterness is selfishness??...maybe it is me and not him? I don't know. The hurt is real but God has dealt graciously with me. Thank you for the post.

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  4. From a guys perspective. There is plenty here for men to learn from. Thanks for the message.

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  5. Hi, my name is Stephanie and my husband recently walked out on our marriage and I'm so very hurt but, like Shauna I realize I can respond by hardening my heart or by continuing to love. God loves us even when we messed up, he forgives us always and if he can do that for me, I can't do anything less. I pray for my husband (John) that he will return to his Love and Faith in Jesus and if it be the Will of God, that our marriage can be mended.
    For everyone out there, who may be going into marriage or who may be married right now a couple of thoughts that hopefully help.
    1. Remember to Love through All
    2. Don't take it for granted, this is a gift
    3. Pray together and give God the Glory

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