Sure, it’s his birthday, but he’s not exactly a birthday-guy, if you know what I mean? He doesn’t require – nor necessarily want – a bunch of hoopla when it comes to his day. No presents, no parties, and no big deal.
But that simply doesn’t set right with me.
While he’s never been much for a lot of fuss, it’s never stopped me from thinking up something fun for his birthday. There was the one year my girlfriend and I plotted together to cook up a 5-course dinner – including homemade chocolate truffles for dessert. Then there was the year I found that gorgeous, burgundy wool sweater for him. He said little at the time, but he wore it for years and years afterward (which said way more than words). Then last year we traveled back east and were able to visit our eldest son in college over there. A different, but special, kind of birthday.
But this year? What to do this time? Stumped.
He says he doesn’t need anything. That he’s a content man.
But surely, there must be something….
Deep down everyone wants a gift, don’t they? Of course, they do. I believe he does too – though he might not recognize it. And after I pondered the question for a while, I came up with not only one gift, but FIVE gifts. Gifts he hasn’t asked for, but gifts I’m confident he can’t refuse.
Here, I’ll share them with you. In case you’re looking for some good gift ideas too.
The Gift of Kindness – I want to offer him soft words and thoughtful gestures. In this mean and ugly world that we live in, I want him to return home to find sweetness and compassion here. Not even “random” acts of kindness, but purposeful ones – ones that are intended to say, “I love you” and “You’re often on my heart and mind”.
The Gift of Loyalty – He need not worry about what I’m going to say about him to anyone else. I am faithful and true. He can count on me to have his back whatever comes our way. There’ll be no need to question “whose side” I’m on…because I’ll be on his side. Every time.
The Gift of Grace – Okay, so he’s not perfect. And he’d be the first to admit it. But there’s no need to highlight his mistakes and bring up his shortcomings. Nah, why rub it in? Why not smile warmly and tell him it’s going to be okay and that we’re in this together? Give him a second chance. A fifth chance. Maybe even a 50th chance.
The Gift of Appreciation – When I stop to think about it, there are so many things to be thankful for in this man of mine. So I’m going to make sure he knows it. I’m going to tell him that I’m grateful for his generous nature. For looking after me. For his example to our children. For that cup of coffee he made me this morning…..It’s a long list and this one’s going to take a while.
The Gift of Commitment – This just means I’m not going anywhere. Yep. I’m sticking with this guy and I’m in this marriage for the long haul. For better or for worse. Him and me. We’re going to walk this one together. It’s a quiet sort of gift, but more meaningful with each year that goes by.
So if you’re searching for just the right present for your spouse? A birthday or anniversary? Or, then again, Christmas is coming up too. Then you might want to consider giving one of these gifts. Maybe even all five.
The perfect gift for the person who has everything. The gift of love. That’s the best kind, if you ask me.
And if you ask him? He’ll tell you the very best kind.
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matthew L. Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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Are there some tangible ideas you have for expressing these gifts? One year for Christmas I took a jar and filled it with 52 colored paper pieces for my two children (teenagers at the time) and my husband. I had typed out on each of those pieces of paper something I loved about them. They could start out each week by selecting a piece of paper that would express my love. My son said he read them all at one time because he just couldn't stand it. I love your idea of the five specific areas. I'm trying to think of a way to make that "come alive".
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful idea. This sounds like a great idea for a post. Maybe a little closer to Christmas. Thanks for sharing!
DeleteDanette, Can you give me an example of what you would write about your teens? I'm going to do this for my sons. My teen actually told me his love language is words of affirmation. How easy is that to do something about? But then I wanted to come up with things that did not always refer to what he is good at or accomplished in. He's highly intelligent and I want to recognize that and I have a great deal but now it is more of social things and what not. Ideas? Thanks so much and I love this idea so much for kids and my hubby.
DeleteSuch a sweet idea Danette. I need to write that one down.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you would feel the same if he committed adultery? Would you be able to bear the "worse"? Would you stick by him? He wouldnt be giving you all 5 of those gifts. What if he had all those gifts from you but still cheated? What would be your reaction then? That is my situation. I'd given all those 5 and more all 28 years, but he still found fault with ME and blamed ME for his unhappiness and gave himself body and soul to another. Crushed my soul and my faith. He promised all of those 28 years he'd never hurt me that way when he made love to me (or should I say had sex with me), cause I dont believe it was love all those years. He's with me now but the connection is no longer there, I do not trust, I do not believe, I do not feel safe with him anymore. We have 2 children that need a stable home, but I dont know if I can do it. Be prepared ladies. You can give and give and give but they can still break you.
ReplyDeleteYou may not believe it. If you are still so hurt, you may not WANT to believe it yet. But God can heal dead marriages. He can bring them back from the lowest grave to shine in the example that He truly wants for us. I am in a marriage where my spouse has been unfaithful multiple times in the past. I was miserable. My life was miserable. My friends and family were miserable because they couldn't stand to see the hurt that they couldn't heal. They all told me to leave him, but one teeny part of me couldn't make that final cut. We wound up moving, finding a church that we call home, and putting God back into our lives - not on the sidelines but front and center in everything we do. We are truly blessed! My husband is now the type of husband that all my girl friends are jealous of. He's not perfect, we're not perfect, but we are HAPPY again. We found each other in the process of finding God. Give your heart and soul over to the Lord who loves you more than any man ever will. Put aside your unfaithful husband who has hurt you and turn to God as your source of life and joy. He will heal you; He will bring you joy again; He is faithful - ALWAYS. I am not spouting something I read in some Christian self-help book. I am sharing my life with you. I pray that your marriage will be healed as mine was. Love to you from someone who knows that your hurt is the worst kind.
DeleteAre you and your husband both followers of Jesus? I ask because a man or woman who holds themselves accountable to God's standard of loyalty, love, faith and marriage generally would look for counsel from God before considering or committing adultery. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and your children, but call out to God in your time of sorrow because he is there to carry you. God gives us free will and it's our sin that causes us to make these bad choices. We each will have an account of our lives before the throne of God. That is not a statement made to say "Don't worry he will pay!", but instead one that God's grace covers all of our sin if we have accepted his free gift of salvation. I would be crushed too and even though I don't know you, I will be praying for you. May you find strength in the arms of Jesus despite the pain you feel in your heart.
DeleteAnonymous at 6:21 PM - your response implies that followers of Jesus never sin. We all know that is false. Original poster, I feel for you. I went through the same pain after 23 years of marriage. But my husband chose to leave. While going through the long process of counseling and him trying to "make up his mind," I practically slept with my Bible. I copied verses about God never leaving me and carried them with me, taped them to my bathroom mirror, etc. I strongly recommend good Christian marriage counseling for you both. Also, go through your Bible and copy verses about forgiveness and carry those with you. You have a chance (with God's help) to restore your marriage and family. Pray that God will do that and will use you and your husband to help other couples (in the future after you've healed).
DeleteI am very sorry for your sadness that I can feel through your words. I have discovered a place where you can find hope and a new beginning. Since going through our Retrouvaille Weekend.... When we volunteer, we honestly feel as though we are witnessing miracles over the weekend! Some of the couples have been court ordered to be there, others are desperate enough to try anything and others just wanting to learn to communicate better. Until Retrouvaille, I always believe people do not truly change they are who they are, but that is not always true and I have witnessed these transformations that have last decades!
DeleteWe'd just like to offer you and your husband this opportunity to reconnect... A new beginning! You won't regret it!
I also want to remind everyone that the time spent on this weekend is private. You do not share information with other couples or have to work in a group....This time is simply to help couples communicate and rediscover each other and themselves in a positive, safe and loving way. Retrouvaille is not just for hurting couples and welcomes all couples wanting to bring new life to your marriage.
Couples of all faiths and those with no faith tradition are welcome and encouraged to attend.
The ultimate goal of Retrouvaille is to help save marriages, keeping families together and as happy as possible.
Call (800) 470-2230 or go to www.retrouvaille.org
I am so sorry that after giving 28 years in marriage that you had this kind of betrayal and hurt happen to you. If you are willing to continue to keep your marriage together...God is able and can restore your broken marriage. It will take a lot of work and am certain that it would be well worth it in the end. May I suggest reading a particular book?... it's called "Fascinating Womanhood" however, first before you begin reading this amazingly powerful life changing book, download for free "The Secrets of a Fascinating Woman" and begin reading this first. Please take some time to go before Jesus, Christ our Lord and allow Him to help you through these difficult paths ahead. Good luck!
DeletePlease listen to the song "Forgiveness" by Matthew West or google it and read the lyrics. The music with the words although, are more impressionable. My husband too was unfaithful 10 years ago. I have honestly never felt such pain. But I knew all I had was Jesus to help me through. He showed me so much about myself and my relationship with Him (Jesus) that much of my healing came that way. I had to focus on the Healer for my heart and mind to receive/accept the ability to forgive. The power of God's Word brought it about. It wasn't in a day, a week or even a year. It took time on "both" our parts (my husband and mine). God is the "Restorer"! Please remember who is the author of confusion, bitterness, stealing, lying, distrust, hurt, pain, unforgiveness. It's Not God and as we work on our relationship with Him, our hearts and minds will receive healing. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these other things will be added unto you in Jesus' name. God bless you and yours.
DeleteI hope to one day find this kind of relationship!! Right now I'm in a sad relationship that is completely one sided. I have fought for 14 years and I have lost :(
ReplyDeleteWonderful article. Now, can you do one just the opposite? Gifts for women from men?
ReplyDeleteThese could all be used as gifts for women also. I am a woman, and I would love these from my husband.
DeleteAs far as I am concerned, this is utopian nonsense. I have none of those feelings... only contempt.
ReplyDeleteFeelings are fickle...they come and go. It's a choice to hold onto contempt. It's also a choice to hold onto love. If a husband only loved his wife when she was lovable (or she only loved her husband when he was lovable), there would never be a committed marriage. Love is a CHOICE, not a feeling.
DeleteGod can heal a broken marriage.I also was lied to cheated on.It takes forgiveness that can only come from Jesus.He has turned his life over to Christ and is a new man.
ReplyDeleteI (a guy) read these posts a lot. I like them a lot. As for this one though... read "His Needs Her Needs" for a better idea of what guys (and girls) really want. There are good ideas here but I can tell there was not much if any input from a male. It's more the female trying to give what she would appreciate. I still love these articles.
ReplyDeleteBummer. I was hoping for a list of things I could get her for Christmas.
ReplyDeleteDoug, If my husband wholeheartedly committed to give me these five attitudes, I would be happier than with anything that could be gift wrapped. Things are easy to purchase, even with an unloving heart attitude. A loving relationship costs total investment of your life in hers. Give her that, and you will not need to read a stranger's Christmas gift suggestion list to give good gifts.
DeleteI love this! In fact our marrieds group at church has been sharing this post because it touches the very heart of the marriage relationship. Thank you Lisa for your heartfelt words of wisdom, always so uplifting and helpful.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Jacquie