Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Vocabulary of Touch


Do you remember the first time your husband reached out for your hand? The first time his arm brushed up against yours? What about the first time that the two of you kissed?

I remember our first kiss. We were standing on a rickety old foot bridge taking in the tranquil view of the river below, when his lips finally met mine. It was the moment I had been dreaming about for weeks, wondering when and if we'd take this next step.

I also remember the first time we held hands. His arm would often brush up against mine when we were sitting in church or taking a walk in the park, but nothing compared to that moment when his fingers slipped into mine. The stars were aglow. The air swept through washing over us with a fresh summer breeze from the lake. Two pieces of a puzzle fit together as one. 

The touch of his skin brought a new dimension to our relationship, perhaps one could call it the language of touch. And maybe we should since one touch can say more in one single moment than our tongue ever could. It's a language that we continue to speak and to learn as each year goes by.

I can't imagine any relationship thriving without touch any more than I could imagine two people living in a house where they never spoke a single word to each other.

We hear plenty about the importance of communication, but what we don't hear enough is how touch plays a vital part in bonding two people together.

If you're a mother you'll likely remember the first moments spent with your newborn. We have a natural desire to hold them during those first years of bonding. As they grow to the point where they are crawling and walking we must continue to offer them physical contact. It may be in the way that we hug our children, hold hands with them or offer a gentle pat on the back.

Consider this... if our physical touch and affection is nourishment for growing children, imagine the nourishment it brings to a growing relationship between a man and his wife?

Here's an excerpt from an interesting article by Benedict Carey discussing the effects of physical touch, and its benefit to team sports:
To see whether a rich vocabulary of supportive touch is in fact related to performance, scientists at Berkeley recently analyzed interactions in one of the most physically expressive arenas on earth: professional basketball. Michael W. Kraus led a research team that coded every bump, hug and high five in a single game played by each team in the National Basketball Association early last season.

In a paper due out this year in the journal Emotion, Mr. Kraus and his co-authors, Cassy Huang and Dr. Keltner, report that with a few exceptions, good teams tended to be touchier than bad ones. 

Benedict Carey, "Evidence That Little Touches Do Mean So Much," New York Times, February 23, 2010 page D5.
The article also went on to say--and this is my favorite part of the study--that the part of the brain that solves problems responds to touch sending it a message of relaxation. He writes, In effect, the body interprets a supportive touch as “I’ll share the load.”

Isn't that what being a help meet is all about? Sharing the load, being there to support and encourage him, or as one of my readers once put it, "helping to meet the needs of your husband." Okay, if I started writing about the "needs" of our husbands I'd go on all day, because let me tell you--I have a bunch of thoughts racing through my brain. I'll save that for another post (which by the way I'm dying to get into with you!) and leave you with one last thought for today:

What are some ways that you can improve the vocabulary of touch in your marriage? 

You are loved by an almighty God,



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16 comments:

  1. This is great!
    I have actually felt a need to make this a priority in our marriage without actually putting my thoughts into organized words. I love that you have taken the time to do this for me ;)
    What wonderful wisdom to pass along to others.
    Thankfully,
    Brooke

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  2. Great reminder! As a mother, I feel I do an excellent job of touch with my kids. Staying home with them all day I get more of an opportunity to do those kind of things, but because of their ages (5, 3 1/2, 2) I am exhausted by the time my husband gets home. It is often a quick little kiss and lets continue with the evening activities. I don't mean to be this way, I am just drained to the point that I don't feel I have anymore to give....

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    1. @Melissa, when kids are that age life is draining at times. It will get easier as they grow. And as we all know, they grow so fast!

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  3. The Vocabulary of Touch:

    When reading this I was brought back to a place I don't like to visit very often. But it is a place that has changed me and molded me into the person I am now and for that I am grateful. In my early 20's I married a man that I knew I should never have married. I never saw us growing old together and I married him out of fear of never having another rather than out of love for this man. We did although have a pretty decent friendship and in my youth I thought that was enough. The first year we were married I believe is the first time I slipped into a terrible depression. I knew he was not an affectionate person but we went months without touching one another. I would try to hug him he would be stiff as a board, I would try to kiss him and he would pull away. Holding hands was out of the question he didnt believe in PDA. My love language is touch and I was unable to share that and show it and my life was empty. The wife I wanted to be was fading and what replaced her was an angry, bitter, helpless person. The marriage I had was not a marriage we were more like roommates. I do not blame him solely. I went into the contract knowing we were wrong for eachother. We were together 6 years when I finally pulled the plug so to speak. My former husband has many closeted issues that manifested in every area of him life. I was tired of living a lie. To everyone we were a perfect couple and behind closed doors I was drowing is a sea of despair. I say all this because I know what it feels like to have and to have not. After 5 years of singleness and really learning about myself and allowing God to heal me from the pain of my past, forgiving and receiving forgiveness. I met my husband a little over two years ago. I know now what God intended for marriage. I am able to fully express my love language. It is not only received but I inturn am reciprocated. I have learned how important an embrace, a simple kiss on the cheek, or a gentle squeeze can make all the difference in one's day. My hubby loves to cuddle and how significant I feel in his arms. I am thankful that I serve a God of second chances. I may have made some pretty poor choices in my younger days but God restored me and gave me a husband to love and one that loves me in return. And this time I know we will grow old together.

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    1. Mandalu, I love how you said, "I am thankful that I serve a God of second chances." Me too!

      I'm so thankful that I am not the sum of my mistakes!

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  4. These are great, Darlene

    If you have time, I'd love for you to stop in and link up in The Mommy Club - mommy resources & solutions. This would be a perfect fit. Feel free to link up others, too!

    Have a super week! Off to look around your blog :)

    Crystal
    http://www.crystalandcomp.com/2012/08/the-mommy-club-share-your-resources-and-solutions-59/

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  5. I think too many times I wait for my husband to reach out first..I need to start making the first move more often, then maybe he would feel more free to do so with me. One thing my husband likes to do is hold hands until he falls asleep :) it helps him relax, and it makes me feel closer to him.

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    1. That is so sweet @Alecia! You must be so cute holding hands at night. :D

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  6. This is great! My love language is physical touch, so this is must have for me!

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  7. My husband and I were talking about this the other day. We noticed a couple that we know being more affectionate with each other than usual, and talked about how it made us happy to see that. I asked him if I was too affectionate with him in public, and he said, "I don't think you could ever be too affectionate with me in public!" (Obviously we're talking about totally PG affection here!) It really made an impact on me to hear how he felt about it.

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  8. My marriage lacks intimacy and touch. We have been together for 8 years and over the years we, of course, had many ups and very trying down. It seems like for the past year or so we have created a wall between us in that aspect, and now it is manifesting problems in other areas. We give a quick, routine hug and kiss in the morning and night, and that's it. He moves as far away from me as he can in the bed and we usually sleep with our backs to eachother. It is hard. I crave the touch, he seems not to care. When I brought up my want and needs he told me they are needs he has no desire to fill :(

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    1. Lindsey,

      My heart breaks when I read this. I'm so sorry! My prayer for you you is that God works to heal this part of your marriage. That He brings you comfort and wisdom in this area of your life.

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  10. I loved this post, but I am a college student who recently started dating. Have you written or would you be willing to write about touch within the context of a dating relationship?

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    1. Beverly,

      This doesn't sound like a topic I'll be covering anytime soon as I don't write too much on dating. However I'd love to give you a link to a blog friend of mine that you might really enjoy. Have you ever heard of stay-at-home daughter? She writes a lot on the topic of dating, and has recently gotten engaged. http://stayathomedaughter.wordpress.com/ I hope you will check it out!

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