Dear Darlene,
I am sorry for my to-the-point approach, but I am typing with one hand as I breastfeed my one-month-old.
I am interested in your book but when I read the summary and a blog of yours I was left deflated and reduced to tears. I have a 3-year-old and a newborn, and I don't know how I can even find the strength to brush my teeth.
I try. And I am a good mom, but it seems a little overwhelming to spend so much work lifting my husband up when I can't even lift my head up. I know you will probably answer that God and Christ are the source of my energy, but I guess I need direction on how to tap into that energy... so I can be a better wife and look at your suggestions without feeling exhaustion and disgust. I understand what I am supposed to do, I just don't know how.
New Mama
Dear Mama,
As I'm reading your letter, I see that you are lifting your husband up by being an incredible mother to his children. We are called to be our husband's help meet. So with that in mind, stop for one moment and think about how his life would be without you in it. If he did all that he had on his plate, plus looked after a three-year-old and a newborn--not to mention breast-feeding and typing at the same time *wink* anyone would be a mess. And so the Lord took a rib from Adam, created a woman, and brought her unto the man.
There isn't any energy to tap into because to tell you the truth I think that anyone looking after young children, like you are, is expelling more energy than anyone I know just by making it through the day.
There is a season for everything and this season is a difficult one, but trust me, it passes quickly.
I can't tell you the number of young moms that are in the same boat as you are--and feel the same level of frustration. It feels like you are helpless to get anything done, and that pretty much sums it up because a newborn needs to be held a lot and three-year-olds need a lot of attention.
In addition to that, all of the sleepless nights can tire out a couple and put extra strain on a marriage.
In my book, The Good Wife's Guide: Embracing Your Role as a Help Meet I talk about something that my sister Betty calls, “June Cleaver Syndrome.” That is when our expectations are based on who we think we should be according to the high standards we see around us rather than celebrating the women that we were created to be.
June Cleaver Syndrome develops when we’re busy imitating someone else’s expectations, rather than those that are a reasonable fit for our lifestyle. We have an idea of what a “perfect” mom should look like, but that image isn't anything near to the woman we are.
This desire for perfection can take the shape of anything from body image to the way we clean our house. But the truth is that we aren't all cut from the same cloth. We're all walking different paths and have our own set of circumstances. For example, I have a fourteen-year-old daughter who loves to cook, and two boys who help out with chores--we can't possibly compare that to the load you are carrying.
What I talk about on my blog and in my book are those things that we should strive for according to the instruction given to us in Titus chapter two:
That they [the older women] may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. ~ Titus 2:4-5, KJVAnd while we are striving for these things, I don't know of any women who do it all perfectly well. We're all a work in progress leaning on the Lord by His grace.
With that said, there are ways that we can lift up our husbands during the busy seasons of life. One is to remind him often of how much he means to you, and the second is to keep him in prayer. Even during quiet times when you are rocking baby to sleep, you can slip in time to pray for your husband. Being there to support your husband spiritually and emotionally is an incredible gift.
I hope that my letter is an encouragement to you.
You might also be interested in these links:
Has the New Baby Flipped Your House Upside Down?
Do you Know How Proud I Am of You?
You are loved by an almighty God,
Visit Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here
If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife
Check out my book, The Good Wife's Guide: Embracing Your Role as a Help Meet
In participation with:
Oh yes. I understand. Mine are 9 months, 2, 4, and 7. I am just in survival mode.
ReplyDeleteShannon
Thank you so much for posting this. As I was reading it all I could do was cry because I am so exhausted and just feel plum crazy. This may sound bad...but I'm so glad I'm not the only one. Your blog has been a tremendous blessing to me. Thank you for obeying God.
ReplyDeleteEncouraged by this; thank you!
ReplyDeleteNew mama in the UK x
Thanks for reminding us of the "little" ways of being there for our husbands. I am due soon for #7 and I have ages 12,9,7,4,3 & 1&1/2. I have been worrying about when the new baby arrives and how I am going to homeschool and keep our laundry going, meals on the table etc. then add into it being a good wife and I have been having moments of panic that somehow we will not be as close or that my husband won't feel as loved. But praying for him will be the most important thing and then like you said just little words of encouragement go a long way! So thanks for the reminder!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, you will definitely have your hands full. I'm praying that God will give you peace and the strength you need to be a good mom and wife according to what Has been given YOU. Enjoy the journey!
Deletenow that my youngest is 7 (where has the time gone?) I remember those feelings. but hang in there soon you will be like me your baby old enough to go to school, too old for childrens church. Hang in there and keep loving those babies, and their dad's. This is such a short season (even if it does feel like it will never end.)
ReplyDeleteBeing on that I no longer have a baby (my youngest is 7) I would tell you to hang int here. Babies are only small for a short time. It seemed to me that back when mine were small it seemed like those days of diapers, being spit up on, sleepless nights, never ending laundry would never end. I am here to say they do end. Eventually you will be wishing you had your baby back. So love those babies and their dad. and cherish the moments you have with them. My kids are 19, 14, 12, 11, 9, and 7
ReplyDeleteI am going to be in this woman's shoes in a few months and have been dreading what life is going to look like for the year after that. Thanks so much for the encouragement, Darlene!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. What a blessing it is for you to still be in the baby years. It seriously seems like last year to me, but my "baby" is 11 now.
DeleteHowever with that said, I have to add that every age is amazing. I have a 20 year old and I love that age too. He makes me laugh all the time.
I had never thought of the "June Cleaver" syndrome but I think that is what I have been struggling with. Thank you so much for your encouragement!
ReplyDeleteWhen stressed wives have discussions about how overwhelmed we are, and how we are overloaded, what is most often left out of the discussion is that the picture of a good wife will be different FROM HUSBAND TO HUSBAND. Yes, we keep the same principles of loving one another and God in any relationship. But beyond that, no other woman can tell me specifically HOW to be the best help, meet (suitable) to my husband. My OWN husband is the only one that can determine how I can best help him in the context of our marriage.
ReplyDeleteI think that often we women talk so much among ourselves about how to be "better," that we forget that we should be talking to our husbands first. Some husbands feel loved with a hot meal on the table at night. Some husbands want sex every night, or more! Some husbands want 10 things to feel like his wife is meeting his needs, some husbands want nothing but a friendly face and a good attitude.
Some wives will have an easy time being a helpmeet, other women will have their hands full. But we are the weaker vessels, ladies...helps, not slaves. Men were created first....God originally designed them to be responsible for 100% of everything. (Then He decided THAT wasn't good, amen?). Men should still be ultimately responsible for 100% of what goes on in the home, not us...sometimes we NEED to just step out of the way and let our man determine the priorities, not him helping US manage everything the way we want(thus creating resentment in us when he doesn't "help"...).
If we are diligent to manage our time, we need not have any guilt whatsoever that we can't get everything done (usually the way WE want, not necessarily how our husbands want). I think that if more wives actually found out from their husbands what would make them happy, and what is negligible, a LOT of our burdens would disappear.
I agree! When I stopped discussing with my sisters and friends about my marriage, being a wife, and mom (and stopped complaining about my life to them) and started asking my man what he wanted from me, wow! A huge burden was lifted from me and my husband finally felt like I respected him like I should. Being submissive is much easier than I was making it be! That being said, life is plain hard sometimes! I am first PG and sick with #7, my oldest is 7, my 5yo is terminally ill and severely disabled because of it, I was recently diagnosed with a incurable condition which affects my energy and lungs, and to top it off one of our sons died in Feb 2011. :-( This world is not our home, only where our journey to heaven takes place... and thank the Lord He carries us every step of the way! Good post!
DeleteI was talking about this with my friends last year and it's really interesting to see what it is that our husbands want, because it's different for everyone. There's a post on my site called, "A Kind Wife," which is definitely worth the read if you get a chance to check it out. I'll go look for the link. Be right back!
DeleteHere it is. One of my most popular guest articles:
Deletehttp://time-warp-wife.blogspot.ca/2011/11/day-20-kind-wife.html
This is amazing. Thank you for posting it. I have a 3-1/2 and a 1-1/2 year old, plus I work from home. That exhaustion and some days feels like I can barely lift my own head is so true. Then, there's my husband who I confess isn't getting my best right now. So many have told me it's a season, and it's temporary. Praise God for that! In the meantime, I'll plod along, one day at a time until this season passes.
ReplyDeleteOh, two little blessings! How busy and fun that must be. I love those ages--so cute. But yes--exhausting at times. One day at a time...
DeleteI've heard it said of these baby years: "The days are long, but the years are short." Mine are 5, 4, 2, and 2 months, so I can totally feel this mama's struggle. I would encourage you to do two things:
ReplyDelete1. Like Jessica said above -- ask your husband what he hopes to see when he gets home each day. Maybe you are stressing out about things that he doesn't care about. Also, don't be afraid to raise the white flag and ask him for help.
2. Find some mama friends who you can go to for encouragement. If possible, connect with them regularly and encourage each other in your daily goals.
And whatever you do, do NOT feel guilty for laying on the bed cooing with your baby while there are dishes to be done. You do have to do them eventually, especially if it's important to your husband, but interacting with your babies IS productive. In fact, don't feel guilty at all. Just say no to mommy guilt. :-)
The first six weeks are SOOOOO hard, and it gradually gets easier after that... you know that, since you have a 3yo. I'm reminding myself too!
I pray that these ladies who are carrying such heavy loads have sisters in the Lord who can come around them and lift them up. We forget sometimes that just dropping off a meal or doing a load of laundry for a new mom is an incredible gift. In the old days, women lived near their families, so sisters and moms could pitch in to help. Today, we are all so wide spread that it is even more imperative for the Body of Christ to come together and be a family :)
ReplyDeleteMany has knowledge about it. And more people are aware now.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post. Its exactly what I needed after almost having a meltdown on my way home from the supermarket with my 2 year old & 6 weeks old.
ReplyDelete