Continuing our series this week we're on to step 3:
Communication: how to love him more than words can say.
Guest contributor, Lisa Jacobson, Club 31 Women
His world is mostly made up of words.
The man reads them, writes them, speaks them. Plenty of words.
As both writer and literary agent, my husband's days and many evenings are filled with information and conversation. And since he works out of our home, he has the convenient flexibility of no set office hours. This also means he’s very inconveniently available to all who need, or want, his attention most any time.
So perhaps it's not too hard to understand why we occasionally have the impulse to GO? To grab a mocha from Joe's Coffee Depot, turn the cell phone to silent, and simply get out of town...
This is the perfect date---he drives and I talk. Only him and me. I have his full attention and few interruptions. What could be better?
Except this one time I decided to do a little experiment. What if I didn't talk? What if I sat in the passenger seat and quietly looked out the window? How long would it be before he began speaking to me...?
Bad experiment.
If you've already guessed that it was way too many miles down the road, you've guessed correctly. Far, far too many miles. And it began to make me mad.
As his silence burned deeper and deeper into my soul, I suddenly did the Exploding Wife Thing, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!"
He nearly swerved off the road. Completely baffled, “Doing what??"
"Well, why is it that you are not talking to me?"
His astonishment was apparent and it was a minute or two before he replied. Then ever-so-slowly, "I don't know, Beautiful, I thought we were having a really nice time. Just being here together."
It was my turn to be astonished. How could we be having "a really nice time" and not have said two words to each other since we pulled out of Joe's?
Then aloud to him, “I thought we were supposed to be communicating.”
And his answer, “But, you see, I thought we were communicating.”
Pardon me?
“Yeah, when you’re sitting here close to me, you’re communicating that you’re content to be here by my side. And I’m telling you that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. “
There was more.
“When we’re holding hands and you’re leaning into me, you’re saying that you’re physically drawn to me. And I’m telling you that I like you, and that I want you too.”
I swallowed.
“And when we’re sitting together softly in silence, you’re saying that I am all that you’ll ever need in a man. And I’m telling you that I love you more than words can say. “
Oh.
I’d not thought of it quite like that before. Because for me? Communication means discussion, and especially the kind of discussing which leads to better understanding. To be specific, him better understanding me. Like how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking.
But on that drive, I learned something new about communication. I learned that we were both “saying” much more than I realized. Also, that he was “hearing” more than merely my words.
Many books have been written on marriage and communication, but I’ll confess I’ve not read them. Nor am I an expert - I’m simply a woman and a wife. But I can offer a few brief communication principles I’ve found in Scripture and in my own experience.
Communicate with warmth. A gentle touch, admiring eyes---these go far in communicating love and affection. Try greeting him with a delighted look and lingering embrace. He’s usually far more ready to “hear” this than he is a shower of words. Then later, when I do need to talk, he’s more apt to listen because I’ve already “told” him that he’s the man I love.
Communicate that you’re listening. Not only to his words, but to his heart. For instance, I want him to know I care about the weight he carries to provide for our family. While he rarely wants to talk about it, I’m “listening” when I offer a kind word of appreciation for all his hard work. Or, by making his concern for tidiness my priority, I’m “hearing” what’s important to him.
Communicate without accusation. When I accuse, he shuts down. If I initiate a conversation with “YOU always...” then he’s out of there. It’s far more effective to ask, “Can I tell you how I feel about something?” I’m not informing him how things ARE---only how it makes me feel. Or “I might be mistaken here, but it seems....” and then give him a chance to explain himself. Decide you’re going to be his lover, not his judge.
Communicate at the right time. If we talk about something late at night, or when he’s worked up? When I’m emotionally strung-out? It’s almost guaranteed a disaster. If at all possible, avoid a conversation under these conditions. Wait until a better time and he (or you) is in a better place. It can make all the difference in the world.
And communicate with words. Yes, at some point it takes talking. Silence is not always golden and some things need to be said. Choose your words carefully, wisely, but most of all, lovingly. Remember not all communication leads to perfect understanding, but it should always end in good loving. Search the Scriptures for verses on loving speech – there are many (See Eph.4:29-32; Phil.2:2-4; Col.3:12-17 and Proverbs). Keep in mind they apply to how you talk to your husband in your home, not limited to people out there.
Today’s challenge: Seek the Lord for specific ways you can communicate love to your husband. Not only in words, but in touch, in looks, and by listening.
Obviously, communication is a two-way deal. But as we can only work on our part, that’s the one piece addressed here. Why wait until he gets his piece in place before we begin working on ours? Start by letting him know that you love him more than words can say.
Will you ask the Lord how to communicate the depth of your love to your husband?
In His grace,
Photo credit (umbrella couple): Erica Lynn Photography
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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Awesome post. One I relate to. Donna
ReplyDeleteThat's so funny because you totally described my situation. Thank you for the scripture references and for being so candid. I had an experience once, where God spoke to me, in my heart. Can you leave him up to me? that was God's question #1 Question #2 was: Can you just focus on loving him, really? As I washed the dishes with my tears. Your post reminded me of that. Things are changing gradually and I am thankful for the reminder today.
ReplyDeleteWOW, I LOVE this, so many great points. I've realized I don't hug my husband anymore when he first comes home, tonight I will embrace him. Thanks for this, it's a much needed series :)
ReplyDeleteWhat wonderful thoughts to keep in mind! Thank you, Lisa. Especially in this holiday season when everything seems to pick up the pace, I have to be mindful that my "running commentary" of my hectic day is as overwhelming to hear as it was to experience. And my poor sweetie has to hear it at the end of his own hectic day. Mindfully praying for peace throughout the day and taking (and leaving!) my frustrations with God makes it easier to be peaceful (and quieter!) in my husband's presence.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely wonderful post!!!
ReplyDeleteDear Lisa, such a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing your experience, and also those excellent and scriptural communication tips.
ReplyDeleteYour description of your "silent drive" reminded me of a funny time when my hubby and I were on a 7 hour drive from another city together. By the end of it, I told him, "Wow! My mouth hurts from talking so much!" To which he promptly responded, "My neck hurts from nodding so much!" :-) We had such a good laugh :-)
God bless you as you abide in Him!
(I'm officially a fan! ;-) )
Well my hubby is the opposite. He talks ALL the time it seems. Tell me everything about his day and repeats it again later. If he is upset about something at work or church, he continues to talk about it constantly until he finally gets it out of his system. It is stressful for me because I am generally quiet and don't like to blurt out everything. I wish he understood how I felt but the rare times when I have tried to hint that he not talk so much he was upset that I don't understand how he needs to talk about everything, so I just keep quiet about it. I guess we are the opposite of the usual status quo. I am an emotional stuffer and he is the emotional blaster. I wish we could find balance.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, Lisa! I especially love the challenge. I am praying about how I can show/communicate my love to my hubby today.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your husband's job. My hubby is a pastor and he tries really hard to be "home" when he's home. But sometimes I can just sense that he is distracted or just feeling the weight of something.
Sometimes I (prayerfully) screen the phone calls and I tell my family that we aren't answering the phone and letting the answering machine do it. I have only done this a couple of times and only when I have felt the Lord telling me to "protect" my hubby from things that aren't urgent and can wait until the morning (like the phone calls we get when someone wants to know what time an event starts and the answer is in the bulletin, or someone asking us for someone else's phone number even though they have a church directory but don't want to look it up. lol! Things like that.)
Sometimes we leave the house too, but my hubby doesn't like to talk much when he's driving. I'll have to remember how your hubby views it! :)
I love this! Thank you for taking the time to share! I read your blog and Club31Women but have not ever left a comment. You both have blessed my life and marriage and I'm grateful. Thank you. I am up for this challenge!
ReplyDeleteGod bless you!
What a thought provoking post. I love it. This was my first time to read an article of Lisa's and I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's my first time to be on your blog, Darlene. So much good stuff here!
This is a wonderful article. I have been married for many years, but I still learned or was reminded of some important things about my husband. Thank you for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteI needed this today. My husband of 10 years and I are going through a rough patch and our trouble communicating is a big part of that. Thank you sooo much
ReplyDelete