Continuing our series this week we're on to the final step, #6:
Invest in a beautiful friendship.
Guest contributor, Lisa Jacobson, Club 31 Women
His eyes reached for me from across the room.
I could tell he wanted something. Needed something. Without even looking up, I asked while gathering up a small handful of Legos, "What? What is it?"
All the while my mind rapidly reviewed my checklist for the evening: dinner dishes - check. Laundry load going - check. Boys in the bathtub - check. Living room tidy-up - in process.
Would you just sit down? He pretended to ask nicely, but his frustration came through all too clearly. He was bugged with me.
At which point, I felt a snap. A small snap, but definitely snappish.
"Ummm...I'm sorry, but I'm just trying to do the Good Wifey thing here?" Then proceeded to list for him everything I'd accomplished in the last 60 minutes. It was impressive. Ending my short, but rather sweeping speech with, "And what more could you want?"
What do I want? I want you to sit with me. To want you to be with me. I didn't marry you because I was looking for a maidservant or a laundromat. I married you because I loved you and we were friends.
I'll tell you what I want: I want my friend.
Funny how you can think you're well on your way to getting everything right, only to learn that you got a little lost somewhere along the way? Not that I was wrong to order my house or care for our kids, but somehow when those goals got bumped up, he'd been inadvertently bumped out.
Somehow being a "good wife" had trumped being his good friend.
Do you know how that goes? You can be so busy checking off the right boxes that you leave off with why you made the list in the first place. So here’s Step #6 in our Uncommon Love series: A beautiful marriage means investing in a beautiful friendship.
Sync up schedules As much as possible, seek to line up your schedule with his. It's too easy to start leading separate lives as you're both going in opposite directions. He gets up early; you're a night owl. He works this shift; you're committed to that class or club. Before you know it, you're living parallel lives and it's not what either of you ever intended.
But true friends determine to do as much together as they can. Try to go to bed at the same time as each other and/or share as many meals together that you can pull off. Make it a priority to hang out together.
Which takes it right into the next one...
Make the most of the little moments. You've heard the expression, "Seize the day"? Well, my current motto is, "Grab the moment". I used to wait until the time was right, or until he asked me for a date night. But those kinds of times didn't come nearly as fast or frequent enough for me. By the time we went out, I was so tangled up that we spent much of the time "working things through" instead of enjoying the more fun topics.
Finally, I had an "ah-ha" flash and realized that I was missing out on lots of little opportunities. Not as satisfying as a Real Date, mind you, but they do count for something. Some examples: He's going to run some errands, I’ll ask if I can come along. He’s working on his computer, so I’ll sit next to him and play on Pinterest. It's not ideal, but hey! we're together and I’ll take it.
But speaking of Date Night…
Slip Away Somewhere Not to contradict what was just said above, but seek to step away from the house on a fairly regular basis. It’s so easy to get caught up in all our many important roles – parent, provider, manager - that we can forget that we're also FRIENDS. That we like each other. We’re not merely co-workers together in this thing called married life.
It’s easier now that our kids are older, but when our children were small we had to arrange for childcare and put it on the calendar. For many years, we went out for coffee together every Friday morning. It helped once my husband realized that it didn’t require anything fancy or expensive, but all it really took was time away as “Matt and Lisa” (not “daddy and mommy”) and to talk as friends.
Share interests together. And while the children can be considered a "mutual interest", they shouldn't be the only connecting point. For instance, my husband is very interested in current politics. While I'm less keen on the subject, I try to ask what is happening in that world. And then I make myself be interested in his answer. I also share with him regularly what is happening in, say, the blogging world. It helps him to share in my interests as well. It doesn't always work, but we try to do the same with books, movies, and events. As many ways as we can tie our lives together, we do.
That conversation I shared in the beginning? I wish I could say it took place many years ago, but it didn’t – was relatively recent, in fact. A bit of a wake-up call really. My husband needs my ongoing friendship and to know that he’s at the top of my list. Undoubtedly, yours does too.
Today’s Challenge: Consider the kind of friendship you have with your husband. Is he at the top of your list? Are there ways you can grow closer together?
So enjoy that wonderful friend you married!
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife
Would you like to share our button?
Here's the code.
Here's the code.
This is such a useful reminder! I so often fall into the trap of letting everything I need to get done distract me from the little moments with my fiance - moments as simple as a hug or a kiss or a smile. And yet, what good is all the other stuff I do if I don't have him to share it with?
ReplyDeleteLove this post. I think my husband has been nudging me in this area just not as vocal. He'll ask me to stop doing stuff and just sit with him. Now I know why. Thanks Lisa and Thanks Darlene!
ReplyDeleteSomething you said is really helpful -but not about marriage. I'm working to restore a broken friendship with a girlfriend, and the problem is I haven't tried to spend much time with her in the past. You said good friends try to spend as much time together as possible. That's just the wisdom I need to act on with my girlfriend. Thanks, Lisa.
ReplyDeleteYour comment is why I sent this to my friend. I hope she sees this is not just about couples as well! Thank you!!! For noticing this is about all relationships including the most important one; our Relationship with Jesus Christ our Savior and Hevenly Father.
DeleteSuch a great post. While I can't have everything done when he gets home (we still need to live and have fun). I try to be finished with laundry and baking and as much as possible so that I am available to enjoy him being home.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reminder.
This is definitely convicting. And came at the divine-appointed time in my life. Something I'm working on. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post! This is a message that I have tried to convey to other married friends of ours, but they never "get it" as they are too busy leading parallel lives and can't figure out why they are unhappy. Thank you for sharing!!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great reminder of what's really important. We'll be with the one we married for life (that is until Jesus comes), Thank you for putting this into proper perspective.
ReplyDeleteThank you sooooo much! What an encouraging and life-building series! My husband and I just celebrated our first anniversary two months ago, and we are still very much in the "deeply in love" stage (which we plan to carry out for the rest of our days, mind you!) I love to share things like this with other married couples to encourage them in their marriage journey. God bless you. You put into words what is in my heart for marriage.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this and I know that when we lay things before the Lord and surrender our own desires He is faithful. Our marriage was going through a period of heaviness with the worries of our day weighing us down. We'd stopped being intimate (and I mean the little things not just the physical) but I laid it before the Lord and He changed my heart completely. He gave me a love for my husband that I had forgotten I had then He added more! I love him more now then ever before and we're enjoying each other. This site and these posts are such a blessing x
ReplyDeleteWow! Thank you for your message today! I really needed that especially in my ever busy life as a wife, mother, teacher and college student (again)! This helped me realize I do need to take the time to spend more quality time with my husband & worry less about the busy work around the house...it will get done! My husband and I our taking a small vacation just the two of us next week & I feel it is much needed! Again thank you!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story. My husband and I are celebrating 33 years of marriage on August 5th. We have had our good and bad times. My husband has been running from God for 20 years. Its been a challenge as I loved him and prayed for his salvation. In September it will be 2 years that God answered my prayers. My husband has given his life to God completely. He is a totally different person. He is more attentive and loving. He has turned into a perfect gentleman, opening car doors and helping around house. I work a fulltime job and so does he. He tries to get some things done so when we are together its not doing chores. Its us time. It might be talking, watching tv, bible studies, doing computer stuff, or going shopping together. I don't want to forget to thank God for the changes in my wonderful husband. Spending time with your friend, husband, wife there is nothing to compare to the feeling of completeness there is to a wonderful marriage. A wonderful marriage takes commitment on both parts. Try it works, with God as part of it.
ReplyDeleteI love this article, I live this every day! The portion that stated "What do I want? I want you to sit with me. To want you to be with me. I didn't marry you because I was looking for a maidservant or a laundromat. I married you because I loved you and we were friends."
ReplyDeleteSo my response would be, then HELP me out around the house and help me get things done, so that I can sit down and relax and enjoy our time together.
Can anyone help with this specific issue? The to-do list in my head just can't be shut off...at that point, I am not relaxed.
I married my Best Friend, thank you for "reminding" me! How easily we forget and can take our spouse for granted. God gives us our spouses to make us Holy, let us treat them as such.
ReplyDeleteWow!!! I am so pleased that you have these posts available to download as pdf files!! I am a student therapist, in training to be a marriage and family therapist and these will be of great use tome!!! I cannot thank you enough!!!
ReplyDelete