Guest contributor, Lisa Jacobson from Club 31 Women
How can a man learn to love when he feels like a loser?
That’s what I heard my husband mutter to himself after we left their house. After we left the home of these dear friends who’d been struggling in their marriage.
But his sympathy somewhat surprised me. I suppose I’d taken the wife’s “side” as the husband had done a number of irritating and inconsiderate things. He was the one to blame as far as I was concerned.
So that seemed a strange question for my husband to ask and it made me pause.
A loser? The man we were talking about had a good job. A nice car. Three precious children. And an attractive, talented wife.
No, this guy was no loser.
Ahem…Honey? Help me understand here.
He explained. And it certainly gave me something to think about.
A man feels “successful” when he knows his woman is behind him – no matter what his other accomplishments may be. He needs to know that she believes in him. That she thinks he’s a terrific husband (not perfect – just terrific). A first-rate guy. And, if there are children, that he’s a fine dad too. That she thinks the world of him, even though he might mess up or make mistakes.
So then I stared at my own husband. I looked at him for a good, long time. Wondering.
Does my man feel successful?
Because I married a winner and I know it. To me it’s quite obvious and I’ve always figured he knew it too. He has many wonderful qualities that I love and appreciate about him. But surely he’s aware of all that….
Aren’t you, Honey?
A slight hesitation. One that shouldn’t have been there. One that made my heart drop for a minute. It seemed that I hadn’t quite convinced him yet. Well, that needed to change.
So after some consideration, I came up with this Winning Strategy. Wanna hear it?
Each day tell him something you admire about him. How hard he works at his job. The good example he is to the kids. How strong he is. Good-looking. Fixes things. Kind….
But you’ll have your own Winning List.
Tell him and tell others too. Leave no doubt that you think this guy is the greatest. But especially if you have children. “You know that dad of yours? You’re blessed to have a man like that for your dad. Your mama loves him like crazy.” He’s our real hero.
Both say it and show it. Let him see the admiration in your eyes. Let him feel your approval and hear your applause. Convince him you’re his biggest fan. Cheer for him all the way.
So that’s about it. Doesn’t really take all that much to shower your husband with success. Just celebrate his strengths and he’ll be all the better man for it.
I’m sure hoping there’ll be no more hesitation around here. Not if I have my way.
Because, Babe, you’re the champion of my heart. A true winner. And I thank God for you.
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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Woah. Thank you Lisa for this sweet but hard reminder. My hubby has been unemployed since October and we have been at each others throats. Of course I have taken it personally and have not shown him the love he needs. He is feeling unsuccessful and like a complete loser because he cant provide for his family. I have been taking that to heart instead of encouraging him....Thank you for your practical "steps"!
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Thanks for sharing! When I read that my husband needs to feel my love and support, even tho he makes mistakes and messes up...it's true...but something I don't think of often. Thanks for the reminder.
ReplyDeleteI had a wife tell me once that she didn't want to compliment her husband on anything because she was afraid he would think he was better than her. I thought that was the saddest admission. "Celebrate his strengths" is a good road to a joyful marriage.
ReplyDeletethis is a beautiful article, it put me in tears thinking how many times I fail at this. This morning I told him how wonderful he was, and was sweet to him all day. He left for work giving me multiple kisses, telling me he loved me, and that I was an amazing wife and mother.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this reminder. I have discovered that such positive reinforcement absolutely has to be a daily priority for me in my marriage. No matter how often I tell/show my husband how amazing I think he is, the negative voices of the world bombard him endlessly, eroding the encouragement and confidence I've given before. Like God's grace, my affirmations must be new every morning to bless and protect the wonderful man God gave me. I hope that many, many women see this post and are prompted to bless their men the same way.
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ReplyDeleteI suggest you watch Fireproof, then get the book and apply it to your wife. Change your marriage by changing your approach. Prayers to you and your family!
DeleteI think that the writer is talking about couples who generally get along but get complacent in how we show love and respect to each other. Yes, it is really hard to show these things when the spouse comes home acting like you described...whether man or woman.
DeleteTina, the only person you can change is yourself. Trust God to do the rest. He is more then faithful to do so :) Blessings!
DeleteI was on your blog and I noticed that your title is Beauty for Ashes, the tagline, "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness."
DeleteIsn't that one sided? Isn't the love and grace of God one sided, or is there something you have done to earn that?
If husbands are to love as Christ loved the church then they are to love with a sacrificial love. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples hours before His death. He served one that He knew would betray him and another how would deny him that very night. He loved us while we were yet sinners and gave His life for us.
Are we off the hook because we are women? Do we only love the lovable? Do we only give as much as we are given? Do we forgive once and then hold back because it might be one-sided?
Or do we forgive 70 times 70? Do we love the unlovable? Do we offer grace to those around us? Do we wash the feet of those who betray and deny us?
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. - John 13:34
I pray that we all grow in the love of Christ.
Darlene,
DeleteYour advice really hit home for me...Thank you so much
Tina, it sounds like you are married to a Narcissist as I am. The problem with N's is that they are BLACK HOLES who only take and never give. You can never give *enough* positive reinforcement to these people and they will *never* learn to give in return. Stop reading blogs that are perfectly true and applicable to *normal, healthy couples* and start researching Narcissism instead. Trust me, you aren't the only Christian dealing with a disordered spouse, and you'll find real -- and Biblical! -- encouragement in that forum that these (albeit well-meaning) folks can't offer. Good luck!
DeleteAnonymous, if you click the link, you'll see that she describes her husband this way, "I also happen to be the wife of an amazing, amazing husband who loves me (even me)!!! We covenanted together 17 years ago and 6 blessings have been born from that love."
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ReplyDeleteWell Tina it can't be all one sided, you have a photo of both of you for the whole world to see. You can complain or you can put some EXCELLENT advice into action. It's your choice!
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DeleteI'm jealous for those of you who compliment your husbands and treat him with respect. I wish my wife would read this. I won't say too much because it will seem like I'm complaining; but six years after she took away the complements, the kisses, the cuddling, and the sex, the only thing that's left is a cold couch and resentment. It's difficult to raise Godly boys that way.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think it's a 2-way street. This blog is geared toward women, but plenty can be said of how a man is Biblically called to serve and respect his wife as well.
DeleteMaybe you should talk to her about this instead of hoping she figures it out on her own. Chances are she misses feeling loved and appreciated also. If your not feeling loved and appreciated then chances are she isn't feeling loved or appreciated either. I am not saying the problems are your fault or that you started them but I am saying that you are the one who needs to be the husband if start working toward a resolution. Get some counseling with her and apart from her as well. Start showing her again how much you love her even if she doesn't reciprocate those feelings at first. Its your job as the husband to love your wife like Christ loves the church. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and resenting her isn't going to fix anything and will only push you further apart. Someone needs to be the first to start the process and it might as well be you.
DeleteThanks for your replies. Yes, it definitely is a two-way street, and I know I have my faults and share the blame in this whole mess. I can provide details if you'd like, but of course you'd only get my side of the story. Not very helpful, I don't think. Like I mentioned before, I don't want to appear to be complaining or seem resentful.
DeleteRegarding counseling? I don't know if I could get her to go. Two Christmases ago I picked up the "Laughing your way to a better marriage" DVDs in hopes that we could watch them together. Somehow she can't even find the time to sit and watch them with me. [sigh] I better stop as I already sound bitter and have said too much.
Thanks again for taking the time to answer. It is good to read all of the replies from a woman's perspective, as that's something us guys rarely get.
I have been a husband for over 32 years. You hit the nail right on the head. While nobody's perfect, my wife Chloe is pretty darn good at the encouragement thing. And I'm guessing this same principle goes for us husbands as well.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lisa for the encouraging words. My husband and I were just talking about this this morning and prayed that we would realize we are each other best friends and friends encourage each other. Then I read this article and it was affirmation for me. It is easy to get complacent with each other. I am very grateful for your words that My Husband is a Winner! God Bless you
ReplyDeleteAfter 57 years of marraige & all that goes along with raising 6 adults plus me, in spite of the fact that Hubs isn't perfect, I truly can say that a little bit of sugar..................I've just ordered the book, SECRETS OF A FANTASTIC WOMAN. In this book I discovered the biblical secrets to a happy marraige. Someone who needs some how-to steps could begin blessing her husband right away.
ReplyDeleteI think the most beautiful marriage is when both partners want to serve and build one another up :)
ReplyDeleteIs there an article like this from the Husband's perspective? I compliment my hubby daily, but rarely get that same support back. I work from home, raise our two children pretty much alone, cook, clean etc. All while still bringing in an income. All I hear is "I'm tired" and grump grump grump. He has NEVER woken up with either of our young children, he has changed 14 diapers in 3 years, never cooked a meal, and yet I still happily thank him for all he does do (which isn't a lot) on my 4 to 5 hours of sleep. But I never get the compliment/thanks back. I would like to see a two way road here. Neither partner should feel like the loser. It has to be win/win. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteThis was my life and I am now divorced 13 years
Delete@Tina, I had to comment and say that I don't think the author would ever agree an abusive husband should be encouraged and expected to continue that abuse in any household. Don't take this article out of context. Both parties in a marriage deserve equal respect. This article focuses on the wife showing it to her husband but there are tons of articles out there with the reverse - the husband should show the wife respect as well. If this article hits home with you, perhaps there are other things at play here and you should seek professional counseling. All of this comes from a place of love, not judgment.
ReplyDeleteI learned this first hand in my first marriage. He was a man that wouldn't work and provide for us. We didn't have children. He would attempt to do construction jobs maybe 2 days a month. One day he went to work and when he came home, I told him how proud of him I was. When we later divorced, he told me that when i complimented him that day, he felt so good about himself. I, mistakenly, assumed that I didn't have to respect him because he didnt provide for us. I still think of how much it meant for him for me to compliment him and it was over 10 yrs ago when it happened. I get red-faced with shame when I think about how I treated him. When I realized how important it is too respect my new husband and compliment him, I try not to let a day or two go by without thanking him for all he does and try to lift him up. He knows I have his back. And we have been married 8.5 yrs. It's true what Paul said in the Bible....men need to be respected and women need to be loved.!
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I just went to a relationships seminar for this. ladies its been life changing having my wife praised me. Did u know most men, feel like their a failure? Going to loose their job, even if they have a great job. I feel like I'm one big mistake away from loosing my job. Yet my bosses think I'm great, and often praises me. I feel like some teacher from my past, will show up and tell me, how did you get that Job, your not good enough?
ReplyDeleteJeff, no kidding, I'm right there with you.
DeleteIt's hard enough when things are going well, but right now my business is in the toilet, and my wife had to go back to work. Guess how she feels about things right now?
A compliment is the last thing on her mind with a loser husband in the house. :-/
I was thinking about the men in this thread when I posted tomorrow's article, "Chivalry is not dead." Our society is tearing men down, and I'd like to see that trend change because there are so many men out there who are incredible men doing a lot for their families.
DeleteI wish you men would comment more often. I really love hearing a man's perspective. I think it adds so much to the conversation! Thank you.
DeleteI love reading these comments. I'm blessed to see how you minister wisdom to each other. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with those of you who struggle with a spouse that doesn't show affection or often puts you down. It can't be an easy road to walk.
Whenever I walk in tough situations I remind myself that I do what I do because of my love for the Lord who is also the one I look to for reward.
An incorruptible crown waits for those who run the race with patience pointing others to Christ. That reward is so much better than any applause this world has to give.
What if you really think your husband is a loser because he is? How to change that?
ReplyDelete@tina
ReplyDeleteIf your in an abusive situation, you need to get out. It's not goot for you, it's not good for the children. Most of the time merriage counsolling doesn't work for couples with abuse problems. Nobody wants to sit in a room for an hour and hear there an asshole. Often times it ends up being an hour of the abuser, further running the victum into the ground.
Personally, after that I tried doing ther merriage counsoling alone. All this cause me was fear and anxity during and after the visit, about what I talked about, what exactly I said, what did my therapist say, and then he'd rant and rave about how he hated that lady.
I've been happily divorced for almost 3 years now. I have a beautiful, happy, healthy 4 year old daughter. As hard as it is, and as hard as that legal battle was, I think it was the best decision I ever made for both me and my daughter. It's not good for you to be treated like that on a daily basis, and your child. It's espcially not okay for your children to see, watch that and grow to think that's normal, or okay. Be a mother. End the abuse. Protect your children.
I removed my comment because I'm ashamed of myself!! Going through a very rough couple years and was just so frustrated, I guess. I always see stuff geared towards wives but hardly anything towards husbands, and it feels unbalanced. However, Darlene and others who told me to work on me, you're right. Well, I can't really work on me, but allow God to and I haven't been doing that lately, just building up walls to keep from getting hurt and withholding love and respect. God have mercy on this sinner!!
ReplyDeleteLove and grace to you Tina. You are cherished, dear sister.
DeleteThis is a beautiful article. I have watched my parents go down the road of the first couple mentioned. Praise and affection removed with a result of anger, tears and finally divorce. I firmly believe that both members of the marriage MUST love, praise, and show affection to one another. I know I am lucky and have married a winner and so has my husband. Not a day goes by that we don't show it. I wish more people would focus on one of the true reasons for happiness and success in a marriage. Thank You Lisa and Darlene!
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