Guest Contributor, Lisa Jacobson, Club31Women.com
My heart fluttered when I opened the email.
My husband and I had been invited to an important dinner - one of those "by-invitation-only" sort of affairs. Privately, I'd been hoping that we'd be included as there were a number of well-known names attending. People I'd only read about, but never met.
Let's just say that I was pretty excited about the prospect of sitting down with them at a dinner party.
Okay...really, really excited.
So I could hardly wait to announce the Big News to my husband. "Woo-hoo, Babe! You're never gonna guess...." And he didn't. So I told him.
"You and I have been invited to the Annual Dinner!!"
For some reason, he's not at thrilled about these things (I don't get out much). But he seemed even less-enthusiastic than usual.
At that point he reminded me that we'd already made plans for a barbecue that same evening with another group of friends. You know, everyday, ordinary friends (and, yes, the best kind).
Hmmm... thought about that. Then came up with the perfect solution: we'll cancel our plans with them. Ta-da! Problem solved.
Except for one thing.
My husband is a man of his word. He's one of these guys who "swears to his own hurt and does not change" (Ps. 15:4) and usually I admire this about him.
But not this time. This time he was swearing to MY hurt. And I didn't appreciate it nearly as much.
We talked the dilemma through and he said he'd think it over. I was confident that he'd be reasonable and see my heart was definitely set on this party.
So you can well imagine my disappointment when he later gently, but definitively decided we should decline the Annual Dinner invitation. Umm... that would be disappointment, bordering on devastation. NOT a happy wife.
Now it was my turn to make a decision: to follow his lead or pull against him. To make a fuss or to get happy.
In this case, it meant following him to a casual barbecue instead of a gala dinner event. It meant old blue jeans instead of a new evening dress. And it meant choosing the ordinary over the extraordinary.
But mostly it meant trusting his decision even when I completely disagreed with him.
My guess is that I'm not the only wife who's found herself in this position. Because even though we might want to follow our men, we're not always too pleased with where he's taking us. Sometimes we might even out-and-out disagree with him.
Perhaps it's because we believe we see clearer or know better. Or maybe that we're more realistic or more sensitive. At other times it simply feels like we're giving up our own dreams and desires - for his. The world tells us that it shouldn't be like this, that we shouldn't have to let go or give up anything.
But that is not necessarily what the Scripture says.
Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others (Phil. 2:4).
And...
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord (Col. 3:18).
So the Christian wife will likely find herself in a situation where she does get to let go and she does give up. And she can do it happily with her heart - or begrudgingly with her arms crossed. Willingly and freely. Or not. It's up to her.
While I'd say my husband and I mostly make decisions together, there are moments when he decides for us. At times I find this easier than others (like when he elects to pick up mint-chip Hagan Daz ice-cream, for instance). Other times I find it much more challenging (like missing out on the Invitation of The Year). Yet my husband needs to know that I'm behind him when he's making these choices for the both of us.
In case you can't help wondering? Yes, I did miss out on the Grand Dinner Event. In the end, I slipped on the old blue jeans, slipped my arm into his, and together we enjoyed a burger with our lovely, everyday friends. A pretty good place to be, don't you think?
Where he leads, I will follow.
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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Seriously, your timing is so great with this post. it is something that I needed to read and digest into my stubborn/self-pitying heart! I have been in many situations lately where I have been challenged by the decisions my husband is making for us as a couple. And it does feel like I'm giving up on my dreams for his...It's definitely not easy...but I know that in the end I LOVE my husband and I trust his choices. Thank you for this today!
ReplyDeleteI hesitate to say anything here because I love your posts and I even share them with friends on a frequent basis. And while I'm certainly glad that you were satisfied with the outcome of this situation, I would have struggled mightily with it since if this was a special occasion that I was looking forward to, I'm sure my friends would have been understanding and even happy for us if they knew of our special invite. Also, I keep coming back to the verse in I Peter 3:7, "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."
ReplyDeleteOrdinarily, I follow my husband's lead. I'm actually doing that right now in an area that is foreign and challenging to me. This, on the other hand, is a likely once-in-a-lifetime occasion and I'd struggle here and be tempted not to pout. Just saying! ;-) So I'm curious. Were you okay with this outcome right away or did it take effort to get your heart in the right place?
Quite honestly? I had to wrestle with this one for a while before I "got good with it", if you know what I mean? :)
DeleteI said, "Okay", but admitted to him that I'd have to work it through a bit. He seemed genuinely thankful that I was trying to line up with his decision (which was not made lightly, I know).
I think it ended up being a huge trust-builder for both of us.
Leni,
DeleteI think you missed Lisa's husband's point. They had made plans with folks and though I'm sure all of those folks would not have minded changing those plans. Imagine the hurt they would have felt to be thrown over for a BIG shindig they were not invited to attend.
Matthew 5:37
37 But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
It's so VERY hard, but life IS better when we follow His and his lead. I don't always (if ever) like it, but when I do follow I'm always blessed for it.
Just my .02 worth. s
I have had this problem twice in the same week not long ago.
ReplyDeleteOne time, he made me a very happy wife. He allowed me to stay home from the dreadful pre-deployment meeting that (at the beginning) we were only supposed to go through our first time out...this is our 5th I believe...maybe 6th. So instead of taking the kids out, around bedtime, I got to stay home and be happy, yet feel bad because he had to go through it alone (which I always said he would never have to do). The kids were much happier and it worked out for the best.
The next one, not such a happy wife. He wanted an extra day off from work, so he decided we needed to go to the boat party. If you knew my situation with the boat wives, you would understand why this was not something I wanted to be involved with. I went with him, ate some good food, listened to some good music and we left. I was so happy to pick up our kids from the sitter's house and go home...I don't think I've ever been happier to be done with something in my entire life.
About 6 years ago, my father in law almost got into a very serious car accident with our nephew. My husband and I had talked about moving to live closer to his parents, but I had always said no way. I was a mid-west kind of girl and his parents lived in (what I felt was) a very remote area of New York state. When this near accident happened while we were visiting at Christmas time, it became apparent that they needed some help. I fought, I cried, I argued, I begged and then I prayed and prayed. Then one day I felt God telling me it would be alright and I had peace about it. I still hated moving from everything I knew and from all of my family, but I still felt like it was the right thing to do. So, we moved. Twin 18 month olds and I was newly pregnant. Then when we got here I almost lost my baby and was put on bed rest. I got depressed and didn't even want to see my other kids. When I was taken off bed rest, we started looking for churches. Now I have a second family and we have taken care of my hubbies Dad who passed away 4 years ago and now my mother in law who has dementia and congestive heart failure. I still really miss my family, but now know this is where God wanted us to be. Thank you so much for this post. It isn't always hard and alot of us are raised to be strong women, but sometimes our husbands know what is best, better than we do.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to stop and let go when it's something our heart wants but the Lord tells us not to follow our heart because it can get us in trouble.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many times I have to stop and remind myself of that and like you let my husband take the lead. It's not always the easiest thing to do but I have found that when it's done it always turns out for the best.
Thank you for this post! Such a timely reminder.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that article. It is so important that your husband knows you are behind him, love him and most of all respect him. It is a support that men need and I know that my husband counts on. In return he has a respect for me and most of our decisions are made together too! But on those moments he makes the call I need to stand and support him. Thank you for sharing your heart!
ReplyDeleteVery timely reminder as I am currently wrestling with a bad attitude toward a cross-country move for my husband's job. I know that God has a plan, and I know I'm to follow hubby's lead. But, doing it with a happy heart is quite a struggle these days.
ReplyDeleteThank you for speaking to wives in such a profound and oft confusing area of marriage. I love that your husband is a man of his word, and that you are able to honor that in him! Our culture has so demonized the word "Submission" to be something ugly, but this is exactly what God intended-- for wives to trust their husband's leading! When we are confident in our husband's love for God, and his love for us, we can trust that he has our best earthly and spiritual interests at heart. There is, of course, a HUGE difference between leadership and tyranny, which is something some husbands also need to recognize...
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post. As a husband who sincerely tries to follow God's leading, it is hard sometimes to make such decisions because of the way the world views marriage. They do not view the husband as the head. Of course, God's way is loving leadership, not dictatorial leadership. I, for sure, do not ever want to be seen as a dictator. When my wife and I make decisions, all points are definitely considered, but if I feel definitely that God would have us do something that goes against what my wife wants to do, I lovingly take the reigns. Also, for husbands, take your wife's thoughts (especially when it comes to relationships) into consideration when you are praying over a decision. They have great insight into this area specifically and others as well. They are definitely our helpmate! My wife is a strong woman, but she also is a strong advocate for being in the role that God gave her. I appreciate her for that!
ReplyDeleteIt's great when you have a husband that takes the lead. I do not. I have to take the lead in decisions. However, I think both husband and wife's feelings should be considered and when possible, a compromise should be reached. Those friends may have felt bad if they knew she came to their barbecue and missed out on something that was important to her. Trust me, they WILL either know while she is there, or find out later. Either way, in my view there are no winners in that situation.
ReplyDeleteI have had to do this recently myself. I agree that it's hard to let go and trust husbands sometimes. I know we have the same Father, and He leads my husband also. I realize now why he said "wait" on that dream. We've been blessed to be here for a family member for a season.T.Y.J.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for this article.
Someone other than me needs to send this article to my dear wife. At age 62 I am at an all-or-nothing crossroads having been let go of a career job and now needing to start a new business. Without my wife's support, REAL SUPPORT, coming into it WITH ME, I don't think I'll make it ... which would be devastating to us and the family. I have been unable to "get through" how important this is. Verbal "I'm for you" doesn't cut it when there are clear choices being made between what she likes ... and what her husband and family needs. So, I'm persevering, by myself and praying that God will change her heart.
ReplyDeleteThis is my second marriage. I was divorced single parent, one child ,two jobs, with a two bedroom trailorhouse. I'm the type of person that saves and buys what I need, not what I want. We put our bank account together. I noticed he started buying things. Big stuff. He told me he buys fix,sells and makes a profit. Its a guy thing. He one day told me to watch how much I spend. Hey, I work too so why should I be limited. I buy what I need and once in a while I buy things for the house.I like to make sure our bills are paid before we spend.I'm the conservitive one, he's not. My husband is very smart, handy ,loving and helps anybody that he can. I noticed he was buying to much with our money So I decided to have seperate accounts. He got very hurt and file for divorce.He says I didn't trust him and didn't back him up. We been to a Counselor but that gets us no where. It not that I did not trust him. I just wanted be let me in on a decision with what we needed not want Of course we have other issues . We were gong to a church but after the filing we live seperately. I have been going to a different church and love the worship and praise. I pray him, for my marraige and children and forgiveness.He has always provide for me, loved me and I have never been without.Yes he is the Man of the house and i am the wife. We both were once head of house hold in our own homes before getting married. I love and miss him dearly. There are children involved . He says he is still hurt and can not get over this hump.
ReplyDeletePlease, I am having a hard time understanding your husband's reason for this decision. Your good friends would be happy to postpone the barbecue a day or two if needed - you could have many, many more barbecues in fact. This invitation was not one that could be postponed. There had to be another reason. I want to understand - I'm trying. Thanks so much. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteI can appreciate your wondering. Obviously, I was struggling with understanding as well. But as this group of friends had set this party up long in advance, my husband did not feel right about backing out just because "something better came along"? So it was my chance to trust him, as well as to respect his convictions. It would only be fair to add - he would do the same thing (I've seen him do it!) if it was something big he wanted to attend. Does that help?
DeleteWow, sometimes being a wife sounds so hard. Having to let somebody else decide everyday matters like a dinner party or a barbecue would feel so uncomfortable. Perhaps one does reach a stage in their Christian life where marriage is no longer a wise choice. It would probably take years to adjust to such a set-up and I'd fail miserably because I couldn't make the right decision like you did and happily but sadly accept my husband's decision. The temptation to be a woman of the world and tell him off would probably get me every time. In other words, it's hard to be a Christian wife and you ladies deserve credit.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say this was an "everyday" matter in this case? As mentioned, most of the time my husband and I make decisions together. He GREATLY values my input and we work through things together. There are those occasions, however, when there's not an easy or simple solution and so I look to him for his leading. Not because of how I "feel" but because that's what the Bible says I get to do. And rather than "losing", I've been blessed with a loving and very happy marriage.
DeleteGuess that's how I see it in relation to other decisions, like choosing a home or deciding on a school for the kids. More "everyday" than monumental. Perhaps too I focused on barbecue versus dinner party instead of barbecue versus dinner party attended by famous people (not your everyday affair). It still seems difficult from the perspective of a single person to have someone else call the shots, whether it is about a dinner party or when there's no easy solution. It might be hard for you to understand this since you probably haven't been single in a long time. We as singles answer of course to our heavenly Father, a parent, a boss but an intimate partner in charge of the most important decisions of your life. We're not used to that kind of trust and it's nice to hear about a strong marriage like yours, to find out what it's like when it's done right. Congratulations.
Delete2 years ago, I would have told you that I would have argued, fussed & fought tooth & nail to go to the gala event. However, after a devastating seperation & hard-fought reconciliation, in which God worked on my heart & mind very seriously, I can tell you that while I would have tried to change his mind & give him all the (what I would consider) positives, in the end, I would follow his decision. This has proven such a positive in our marriage & while he let's me present my argument & sometimes I come out on top, I still leave the ultimate decision to him. Thank you for this post.
ReplyDeleteThis is totally great, Lisa. I heartily agree with you. I used to joke when I would tell our kids or young moms that my husband and I discuss a decision (and he truly listens to my opinion a lot) and then we take a vote. If it is a tie, then he gets to break the vote! LOL. Loved your post, Amy
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a post related to this a few days ago. Nice to see that the Spirit is right on.
ReplyDeleteI am a new-ish reader of yours. I just wanted to confess how brutally difficult this can be sometimes. I am crying as I type this. My husband and I have been married just over 5 years and it hasn't always been easy to let him lead. Not because I don't think he is listening to God for guidance but more so because of my innate desire to always be the leader. I know that is not God's plan, though, so I am regularly praying for God to teach me to submit to him. I am so very grateful to you for your time and wisdom in all areas that relate to being a Christian wife. God bless you!!
ReplyDeleteWhy couldn't your husband make you happy and take you to the event? I could not live like that. It's not unreasonable to want to go some where your husband doesn't. Geez
ReplyDelete