"I'm pregnant," she said. "and so they think that having me up on the stage would set a bad example for the other young girls in our church."
The weight of those words didn't sit right with me. What example did they want to portray I wondered... Purity? Truth? Certainly not grace...
She was only sixteen-years-old. Just a baby herself, that was soon to be "Mom." Her future was mapped out long before it should have been, while her youth was slipping away.
Unlike many other young girls, Julie made the sacrificial choice to step up to the plate of motherhood. It was her body, but it was also her belief that a precious life was growing inside her. She wanted to keep the baby, and surely she should--after all that's what we'd been teaching her for years, wasn't it?
Yes, but what we failed to teach her was that God's grace is bigger than the choices we make even when those choices lead us through sin.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9, (KJV)
Only a few months before, Julie was immersed in our church. She attended youth group on Fridays, sang in the worship team on Sundays and attended Crusaders on Wednesdays. There was rarely a day when I didn't see a smile on her beautiful face or hear the sound of laughter escaping her lips.
That was before we discovered that she was a sinner, and before she was asked to step back from the spotlight so that sinless perfection could shine its bright light in the church.
Her baby bump wasn't welcome on stage. That was reserved for the good girls who kept sin a secret.
Purity is one of the most important lessons that we can teach our youth. Not only are we teaching them to keep themselves free from sin, we're also teaching them that the ramifications of sin are far reaching. The choices we make in our teens can set the stage for our life, therefore we must choose wisely.
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication. That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour - 1 Thessalonians 4:3&4 (KJV)
We can't minimize sin. It's dark, it's ugly, and it leads to spiritual death. But while we are teaching our young people the dangers of sin, we must also teach them the beauty of God's forgiveness and grace.
I want my daughter to wait until she's married to give herself to a man, and I want my boys to respect themselves and the women they love so they will protect her purity along with their own.
What if they do sin? What if they do stumble and fall? Am I a place of refuge and grace they can run to, or will I be standing there with a stone in my hand ready to take the first shot?
I once held a baby shower for a young woman who was unwed and pregnant. It wasn't much, just a small way of showing our love and support.
Much to my surprise a couple of the women decided to boycott the shower saying, "What kind of an example would I be setting for my own daughter if I attended?"
One of the other women in our group simply replied, "An example of forgiveness and grace."
Here's the thing... And this is for ALL of you ladies, both young and old. God doesn't care what you did yesterday, He wants to know what you'll do today.
It doesn't matter where you have been or what you have done. His grace is sufficient for you. Yes YOU.
Did you know that purity is a matter of the heart? How do I know that? Because I stand on the Word of God that tells me:
And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure. - 1 John 3:3
Our God is a god of second chances, forgiveness and grace.
I wish I had known that, I mean really known that when I was a teenager. But instead I believed the man who told me that I was used merchandise. That I was no good. That in the eyes of the Lord we were married. That my parents would be ashamed of me when he told them what we had done--and he certainly would tell them if I didn't agree to marry him. That the church would be disgusted with me. That the man I truly loved would hate me. That no man would ever be with me again. Yes, he told me all of those things while I cried in secret.
I told him flat out that I didn't love him. I made it clear more than once. But I went ahead with the wedding that was quickly planned in four weeks.
I was more terrified about facing the world with my sin than anything else because it was all that I knew to do at the time.
And so I bought a white dress and some flowers and had my hair done like any other young bride would do. But unlike other young brides this wasn't a day of celebration, this was a day of mourning for me.
"Aunty Darlene," my flower girl looked up and asked, "why do you have makeup on?"
"Because she's a slut!" my soon to be mother-in-love snapped.
And with that I stepped out of the room to walk up the isle, holding back even the thought of shedding a tear. This was my duty as a good Christian girl.
Hours later when we were finally alone in the hotel room, my new husband looked over and said, "I was excited about seeing my bride walk up the isle, but then I saw you and I was so disappointed."
I wish I had known my worth when I stood by this man who coughed up his flem to spit in my face, who slammed me on the floor in public and did worse in private. I wish I had known my worth when he held my head down to the floor and told me to lick it.
Most of all, I wish I had known the beauty of God's forgiveness and grace.
You are loved by an almighty God,
I've teamed up with a group of women today to bring grace and truth to the conversation about purity. We believe it's an important issue that needs to be addressed for our young people. If you would like to read more articles like this, please follow the link below where you'll find a listing of other posts.
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ReplyDeleteThe husband you mentioned .... is that your current husband? If so, it sounds like there must be an incredible story of God´s transformation that needs to be shared. If not, it still sounds like there must be an incredible story of how God brought you to where you are today. I hope there are plans to write and blog that story soon.
ReplyDeleteNo, it wasn't Michael. And leaving there is yet a whole other story.
Delete"That was reserved for the good girls who kept sin a secret"....This has been a topic of conversation with ladies bible study over the years.
ReplyDeleteI wish we as the church would be more open and transparent, setting the example with honesty and humility.
Ephesians 5:8
"But everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes a light"
Good article
Jess B.
Darlene, what a moving and powerful message of grace and forgiveness. Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteI thank God and you for having the courage to write and publish this. You speak truth. We know that the Truth will set us free. My heart aches for you- for what you have experienced. But what the devil intended for harm and to destroy you, God has made into your mission and calling. You hear the voices of young women and you encourage them within their spirit that God loves them and that He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He- through Jesus Christ His son- has forgiven all your past sins and sorrows and has replaced them with hope and a future. I thank you for being a champion of a forgotten and trampled soul- a naive young girl. Please know that the lives you touch will continue endlessly for the kingdom of heaven and that your work here on earth is very much appreciated. <3
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree that all sinners should know and have the grace of God, there are consequences to impurity and all sin, should we then parade those consequences on stage before a congregation filled with all types of young people who might consider allowing her to be on stage, as permission to sin by the leadership?
ReplyDeleteWow!! That was absolutely powerful. Thank you!!! I needed to hear that.
ReplyDeleteI have not posted before, but have followed you for quite sometime. I wanted you to know that you have been a blessing to me and that I have learned so much from your blog. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I agree with you that we should have mercy and grace just as Jesus did with the woman at the well and the woman taken in adultery we must also temper that with truth because Jesus is truth and grace. We must remember that while Jesus forgave those women he also told them to go and sin no more. While I think this young girl should be forgiven, helped, loved and shown an abundance of mercy and grace I think the church made the correct decision in taking her out of a leadership role, for now. It is one of the consequences for sin.
ReplyDeleteWe cannot as a church body do as the world does and glorify sin. The world has said it is okay to be pregnant as a teen, out of wedlock and if the church allows her to continue in all her current leadership roles they are saying the same thing. Now mind you I would say the same thing about a host of other sins, as well.
We must teach, especially our children, while there is grace and forgiveness at the cross there are also consequences. David found forgiveness, but there were consequences and that is the theme of the Bible. Yes Jesus is grace and mercy, but before that he is Truth and truth demands consequences. If he were only grace and mercy there would no condemnation and everyone would receive salvation.
Purity is a lost gem in our society and we must teach and magnify that not to condemn those who don't have it, but to glorify the Savior.
Thank you. I agree with what you said. So often, in the name of "grace", Christians overlook sin. God does not overlook our sin. What we did yesterday does matter. It matters because the Bible tells us ". .whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." (Gal.6:7). That sin also stands as a barrier between ourselves and God until we confess that sin and repent of it. We don't lose our salvation because of it, but we do lose that sweet fellowship with God until our sin is confessed. And while there is mercy and grace, God is still a holy God and He will chastise His children. (Heb. 12) The church should forgive her, love her and try to help her, but it was right in removing her from the leadership role.
DeleteThank you for your thoughts. You've made some good points that should be considered.
DeleteI want to point out as well that I made sure to title it Truth and Grace. It's important that we share both.
Also that I put this verse near the beginning of the article so that we would see that the path to forgiveness is repentance:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9, (KJV)
I intentionally put that in the article so that there would be no mistaking the importance of repentance.
We must repent, and this girl had.
In the story of David, the purpose of that story being revealed is that it showed David's need for a Savior. It was pointing to the coming Messiah who would take away the sin of the world.
After I left my abusive husband and married the man I've been with for 25 years now. I carried that guilt and shame around for over a decade. I lost five children to miscarriage. All the while I told myself that it was the consequences of my sin. It was my punishment from God. I was like David, I thought. He lost a child too.
Then one day someone showed me how wrong I was. Jesus died on the cross and that sin was nailed to the cross along with Him. When we confess our sin, we are forgiven.
Salvation is a free gift from God. It's not by anything that we do. We aren't justified by our works, we are justified through faith in Jesus Christ and forgiven through repentance of sin.
We might have consequences in the flesh, such as the job of raising a child at such a young age--life isn't easy and the choices we make aren't always wise, but that condemnation doesn't come from the Lord.
Those in leadership such as pastors and deacons should be accountable because they are leading the flock, and those in the position of leadership should posses qualities of strength, wisdom and virtue. But we're talking about a repentant sixteen year old girl who voluntarily sang in church.
Jesus said, neither did I condemn thee, go and sin no more. There was no condemnation there. Yes, she was instructed in truth, but the condemnation of sin was lifted by the power within Him to forgive sin.
Thanks for your thoughts. We need to wisely consider truth.
I am so thankful for your words and humility and honesty here. I was a teen serving in youth group and worship ministry and became pregnant at the age of 18.... This message spoke straight to my heart. I am praying for you tonight in these moments, with thanksgiving and love.
DeleteHi Darlene, I really enjoyed reading this. I love the openness and honesty of this post. Thank you for taking the leap of faith to share your personal experience. We as believers need to practice the same forgiveness and grace that our heavenly father has offered to us. May God bless you and your ministry.
ReplyDeleteLindsey
Beautiful reminder of who we are to be in Christ and to love mercy. We need to remember the admonitions in the book of James to tame our tongues. Words can be so poisonous. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you posted this. I recently posted a blog with a similar message, and I have received so many private messages about how girls had abortions or left the church because they felt like there was no hope for them. It is vital for the church to start dealing with sex and stop trying to keep everything nice and pretty. I love your blog and was so excited to see that you posted this!
ReplyDeleteOh, Darlene, how awful for you. Sadly at times, and not all, but christians can be the least loving, and most unforgiving. Amazing how they can balance that with what Jesus gave for us when we were sinners.
ReplyDeleteDarlene...
ReplyDeleteWasn't sure I could love and admire you more, and yet I do. Thank you for sharing such truth...
You are loved.
Oh my gosh, Darlene, I'm floored. What a stunning, amazing post today. I don't even know what to say. You are amazing. What a truly amazing woman you are. I am trying so hard to raise two beautiful daughters. (5 kids from three "families" We have full custody of all) We are now trying to teach them how to love, to live, to make wise choices as dating and boys and being cool is all that seems to rage around them. (We have even gone so far as to do homeschool. We have introduced the Duggar family works, we now go to church and youth group...) yet our own sins weigh us and them down. We want them to always know forgiveness, yet to reach for purity and good choices, so that they need not go through the consequences we've had to face. We have no regrets, except when we look now to see the damage we have done to our precious children. Your post is beautiful, strong, passionate, and I have more respect for you now than ever. Thank you for your strength. Your weakness shows his blessing. I'm sending you my love and thankfulness.
ReplyDeleteThank you for a lovely reminder of God's grace. I was a young unwed mom at the age of 18. I felt like because I had a baby, my sin was obvious, so I couldn't even give anyone the impression that I was a good girl. Lord knows, I never felt like I was a good girl anyway which is probably how I ended up married to a man who hated women. It was not as physically violent as what you've shared above (I think mainly because I fought back) but the emotional and psychological abuse was very real. I heard many of the things said like those you mention, basically that I was worthless. It was God's grace that set me free. At first, I prayed and stuck with it for another 5 years, but I guess the answer was that it was over because I got a true sense from God that I was being relieved from the infidelity and abuse. And I was kicked out after nearly 11 years but it was a blessing. God had amazing things happening for me once I became free. Thanks again for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteI don't always read every post in my inbox, but I felt like I should read this one. My heart broke for the girl you once were. This might have been me. For too many years, I was convinced that my Father judged me as harshly as I judged myself, that He couldn't possibly love imperfect, unworthy me. It has been a journey of many years and many miles as my eyes and heart have slowly been opened to the love, grace and mercy of our Savior and Redeemer and our Eternal Father. Your thoughts remind me of the hymn "I Stand All Amazed." Thank you for the courage and strength of character you showed in sharing this today. God Bless you,
ReplyDeleteMany people say that once you have sex, you are married to that person. I fail to see anywhere in the Bible that it says that. In fact, when Jesus is talking to the adulterous woman, He mentions her many husbands and tells her the man she is now living with is not her husband. To me, marriage is a husband and a wife who are committed to each other, not a couple who have sex. I feel like this causes many people to marry, at least it did in the past.
ReplyDeleteJust beautiful! Thank you for the courage to write this and share your thoughts that come from your heart! What a blessing.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post today, Darlene! I agree whole-heartedly that we forget to teach grace as well as purity. I am also so very thankful for your openness and honesty about your first marriage. The abuse I have lived with has been verbal and we are on a new path trying to rebuild and relearn how to have a holy marriage. I almost left before we got to this point however. Of all the blogs I read to teach me how to be a Godly wife, I read yours the most consistently (I read every post). I love your writing style and the message you bring. Thanks again for sharing. Thank you for the reminder that we are truly forgiven for our sins. - Stephanie
ReplyDeleteYour post and story remind me of some of the Casting Crowns songs... I dearly love the words of truth and challenge they have written!
ReplyDeleteI have a few questions though... how do we help someone who (especially if very close to us/friends or family-wise) has fallen into sin, at least claims to be saved, raised in a strong Christian home (so at least a lot of head-knowledge), but only regards their sin as "bad mistakes"? How do we show the grace and forgiveness but not excuse how they still have to repent? What and how does that exactly look like??? If they try to 'hide' or excuse the sin still (only admitting it to those who accidently find out or had to know- parents, for example) could this be proof that true repentance has not happened? I truly believe God can forgive and heal anyone who sins for any sin done, but I also believe as 1 John 1:9 states that it has to be a true confession/living testimony from that person/ourselves. Any thoughts?!?!
My husband and I are still in the throes of trying to help someone in a similar situation as I described/as you shared about (minus the pregnant part)... it's especially difficult when she *knows* a lot and just how to say things but the good fruit is just not being seen, and also because she is very close/and the situation is affecting so much family.... any advice or encouragement (and prayer!) would be wonderful! Thank you!
Btw, I just love the quotes I've seen from you (Time Warp Wife)! I finally had to subscribe to your blog because I wanted to get them all the time and not just when my friend shared them on facebook =)
Many Blessings ~ J
First of all, thank you for sharing your own personal experiences with us. It wasn't to the degree of abuse you had but I dealt with my own "secrets" in my "Christian" marriage. For over 22 years I did what I thought the Proverbs 31 woman was to do; always build my husband up to those on the outside of our home. I think I wanted to believe it was all good. But my self esteem was at its lowest. I felt I was nothing more but his servant in all ways. Even the intimacy between us made me feel like I was a service station. No matter how I was treated at home we were ministers in the church so I had to go in with a smile on my face and pretend we were the happy family. I did finally go through divorce and remarry. Now I am loved and cherished. Treated as such. Not someone to be walked on or left behind but to walk beside. Thank you God for your goodness and grace. Secondly, I have always had on my heart how judgemental the church has been. A pregnant girl is judged, a homosexual is judged, a couple living together out of wedlock, a gossiper, a murderer, a thief...I believe that God sees sin as sin...PERIOD! WE are the ones that categorize which is a lesser sin. Which sins we can overlook. My daughter was molested in the church by someone that the pastor had covered up for for years because of the ministry of the individual. My daughter was damaged because of the dirt that was swept under the rug. Why does the church think itself greater than God? The God I serve is a God of forgiveness. A God of mercy and grace. Can God forgive the young lady in church for her sin? Of course He can! Can God use this young lady in ministry despite the consequences of the sin? Of course He can! There is a music video that I believe sums all of this up by Casting Crowns: "Does anybody see her?". Please check this music video out. It speaks volumes! We are so busy doing church that we for get the purpose of the church. My love and prayers go out to this young lady. I pray that the judgement of 'the church" will not turn her heart away from a loving heavenly Father who loves her.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I'd heard your story before, it made me cry to read it here. You've been through so much, Darlene, and yet you continue to shine and let His beauty radiate through you. I'm deeply touched and blessed by your testimony. May the Lord continue to use your ministry in this powerful way!
ReplyDeleteThank you for having the courage to share such a deeply personal story of God's redeeming love and grace. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. My heart hurts for you, but what wonders He has done in your life. I'm so glad you escaped that horrible situation.
ReplyDeletePlease tell me you talked to someone about letting that poor pregnant teen be her great and wonderful christian self along with all the other teens doing whatever they were doing! This is something that needs to be taught to the church she is attending also, or at least they need to be reminded of what they should be teaching also.
ReplyDeleteI shunned God at 15 because "How could he let this happen to me?" Just 4 short months later, thanks to stress from threats to my life, I lost my first baby. I had been raped and I loved that baby more than anything in the world. Almost no one knew I was pregnant, and that meant going through the miscarriage and loss alone too. My precious child would be 13 years old this year had he or she survived the pregnancy.
If my daughter or son makes a mistake and sins like this and a pregnancy happens from it, there better be no one treating them like this girl was treated.