Matthew L. Jacobson is here today with part 2 on The Chain of Unforgiveness
Forgiving and being forgiven . . . it touches a nerve, doesn’t it – maybe especially with spouses? The fact is that you have given those who are closest to you the power to hurt you the most. When we give our trust to the one we love, we’re giving him/her something that can be instantly turned into a weapon.
Many have felt the bitter, stabbing pain of betrayed trust. It was a recurring theme in the comments that followed the article on the chain on unforgiveness, published a couple of days ago here: The Chain of Unforgiveness Isn't Worth the Price You Pay
Here are a few responses regarding the universal themes that emerged.
From Anonymous:
I believe I have forgiven my husband for being emotionally unfaithful to me. I want to move on and begin anew. But since he still works with the other woman, every time he speaks of her I relive the pain. I want to trust him when he tells me he is guarded and has set the boundaries now. But she continues to pursue him. So I can't just forget the hurt, because I am still living it. How do I let it go?
Matthew L. Jacobson:
That you would feel vulnerable is perfectly logical and understandable. Lisa would want me to make it crystal-clear to the "other woman" that she is completely wasting her time and is making herself ridiculous. If your husband were in fellowship with me, I would tell him this, directly. If he has to hurt the feelings of the co-worker to stop her advances, too bad. It must be done. If, however, this is merely a situation in which you need to "let it go," then get Jesus involved. Every time (literally every time) a fearful thought enters your head, say, out loud, "I take this thought captive to the Lordship of Jesus Christ." Those fearful thoughts have no right to enter your mind. Take them captive by turning your thoughts to Jesus, who has not given us the spirit of fear but of love, of power, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
Anonymous:
There comes a time when you just can't take it and forgive anymore!!!!!
Matthew L. Jacobson:
Where there is an unrepentant spouse who will not turn away from his/her sin, then accountability means a break in fellowship but, God will still give the wounded party grace to say "no" to bitterness. Cry out to God that, even in your place of deep pain, He will give you the grace to rob your enemy, Satan, of his goal of making you another victim of bitterness.
Anonymous:
What about the sin that keeps recurring? What am I to do when my spouse does not seek forgiveness? It is immensely painful to forgive when I know it will happen again. It digs deep, has broken trust at all levels. We talk "Forgive as Christ forgave you." YES! I fully believe and want to live that in all areas, especially in my family. But no one talks about how difficult it is, it's always been: FORGIVE. Period. What about healing? What about rebuilding trust? What if they don't seek forgiveness and don't turn from their sin? What about the gut wrenching pain of trust completely betrayed? I would love to quickly forgive...oh my how heart yearns for the healing that comes with forgiveness. But I had gotten to that point..took a long time, but I got to where I could say "I forgive" and truly meant it. Little did I know, that the act that needed forgiving was still continuing. Forgiveness is not simple. It's not easy. Only by God's grace is it possible... oh Lord, praise be your Name.
Matthew L. Jacobson:
When did Jesus forgive you? Before, or after you repented? If you are to forgive as Christ forgave you, it will follow your spouse's repentance. You can walk in love with a posture of forgiveness and refuse to enter into bitterness because of the pain caused by someone else's sin - but to fully forgive, (which includes entering back into open fellowship), true repentance is necessary. For the person who won't repent or seek forgiveness - of course, this person cannot and should not be trusted. No man claiming to be a Christian should be allowed to lead a private life and continue to dishonor Christ, his wife, and himself without consequences. A biblical Church Body would hold such a man to account. I encourage everyone to be involved in a local Church that loves people this much.
Anonymous:
Hi Matthew, we've spoken before about "my situation" and continue to struggle with the very issue you've addressed here... things are still very raw for me so perhaps I just need more time to release the pain and anger against my husband. I know that forgiving him won't do anything to change his behavior or his decision to end our 37-year marriage... I know I'd be doing it for me -- and because it's what God expects me to do. I hope to get there eventually...
Matthew L. Jacobson:
What you are talking about is supernatural - getting to a place of freedom from the chain of bitterness after having been so wrongly treated. But, God specializes in the supernatural. His grace is sufficient for you - even in your deepest distress. I am praying, right now, you will allow Him to fill you with His grace.
Anonymous:
Matthew, this hit home. Thank you so much for reminding me that we are all in need of true forgiveness. And we need to forget those grievances.
Matthew L. Jacobson:
Walking away from our grievances is so much easier after we've come face-to-face with our own sin and how much we've been forgiven. God bless you and your husband as you seek to walk in the oneness every couple was designed to enjoy. I’d be happy to answer any other questions you may have as you seek to find, or give, the forgiveness that is your only path to wholeness and peace.
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I'm not sure if I forgive or not, and I know where confusion come from and I try so hard to believe him. He has lied to me so many times that I can't trust him. At times I feel that we have hurt each other so much that it might be best to move on. And it is me, I have this problem with trusting him. He was a man that I knew was the man I prayed for, his family are living and walking Christians and three brothers have their own Church and they have amazing families. But, for some reason we did not get that path to follow, and we have been together for a longtime, we are going on 26 years and I can't seem to trust him. I try so hard, and I cry so much because I find myself always thinking about what he is doing. I travel for work, and i like my job but I hate it when I travel because I don't trust him. He was not unfaithful that he cheated on me, he has a lustful eye, and to me that is cheating. If you love your wife, you don't desire anyone else, so I feel I am not the love of his life. Well prayers are always appreciate, I am praying for God to direct me. Thank you and God Bless.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear what you are going though. I have a similar situation. Though, my partner is jealous and insecure. He adamantly believes that I have cheated on him and so he began a relationship with an officemate. Now, this woman knows that I exist but won't remove herself. Everytime we have an argument, I FEAR that he will run to her. This is NO way to live.
DeleteUnlike Matthew Jacobsen, I believe God wants us to forgive even if they have not repented . For instance, the Bible gives the example of Steven being stoned to death and he forgave them and prayed, " Father forgive them for they know not what they do..." . I know it is not easy , but He will give us the ability to do so if we just ask. We are even told that our sins will not be forgiven if we do not forgive our brother. Further more, it tells us that love keeps no record of wrong doing. ( I Chorinthians 13...) And it is a command for wives to both love and respect our husbands. Part of loving is not keeping a record. You don't even record it in your memory or acknowledge it. It is God's job to correct your husband. And if God sees you are being obedient to His word in loving your husband I truly believe He ( The Lord) will honor your faithful obedience. To help your husband in this area, if I were you, I would quit my job... and stay home with my husband. He needs a wife at home, he needs you. God gave him this beautiful wife in you.... to him to be his helpmeet. I am praying for you and sending you hugs.
DeleteI believe Matthew said not to trust them if theres no repentance. For the simple reason that if they are not sorry they most likely will continue with there behavior. God loves us so much that he does warn us to protect our hearts/lives from such people. That way if they continue in there sin no surprise to you. Im sure the christians didn't trust the crowd of christian killers after Stevens death either. Forgiveness is a must but trust has to be earned.
DeleteMy husband and I have had a rough year, he walked out on me three times in just the last year, he used to serve the Lord but fell away from Him months ago. He has pushed me around and spit in my face called me all kinds of names, one time he pushed me too far I fought back and slapped him and spit in his face...since then it took a long time to forgive myself but I did...he is a drug addict, not sure if he is using now..he doesn't tell me about his finances, I find it so hard to trust him..and forgive him, I think I do but then I suddenly, get so hurt crying and feeling angry....I am struggling.
ReplyDeleteYou describe a dangerous and volatile situation. Abuse: there's no other word for it. You need to involve others to whom you both will be accountable as soon as possible.
DeleteI'm so sorry too. I'm also dealing with a back and forth drug addict and church attender since I don't really know if he is honest about his faith in salvation. We hope for the best in people. We look beyond imperfections but we most likely came from a broken abusive family and regard those who are abusive and addicts as the people we are to see the best in. We can no doubt. But to enter into a union w someone that doesn't value his own life or those around him we were blind and naive to do so. There is hope though. Give it to God. Leave him out of it. Let God heal u of the addiction to the man you want him to be...maybe you've even seen before. We get caught up in our own addiction to that feeling of being adored. Once you realize it's a pride issue for you maybe you won't feel so lonely and empty like I realized. I don't need to be adored and loved like that. I have better. I've experienced a love that took my place in hell. Let God heal u. Read Boundaries by Townsend and McCloud and start treating this man like a man. Not a child. If he insists on acting like a child u must love him enough to walk away in grace...not in spite. THAT is the key. Love is humble but strong. He is n a battle of the flesh. U must not give him what his flesh wants but what his spirit needs if he could reach out to tell you. And what it would tell you is to show him grace and strength....like how we take our kids to the doctor for shots and dentists. Do we turn the car around or stop the doctor from sticking the arm when we know they need it but they are crying for it to stop? No we tell them it's going to be ok. They will make it. And stick it out with them as they go through the pain. That doesn't mean taking the pain for them. It means being there as a calm and gentle loving person to let them know there's nothing to worry about. Be there but start giving boundaries. They e like overgrown children. And it's hard not to b resentful. But you have to see past the sickness of their cries and know u r helping their inner man to b strong. B a light. I'm praying for you. Forgive as they repent. But also b nice while they don't. They must show fruits of repentance before allowing the relationship to be mended. You start living. Don't hold back or feel guilty for enjoying your life. It was meant to be enjoyed and when your husband is healthy he will appreciate the life you have created for yourself also. I hope that helps.
DeleteForgiveness can happen. Trust can be rebuilt and the love will be even stronger than before. Great post and answers.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you call it when the other person's guilt causes them to approach you and condesendingly state "I forgive you?" When this happened to me, it felt like they were using forgiveness as a weapon. When asked what I did to them to need forgiveness, they wouldn't reply. The other person acts as tho their conscience is clear. I feel as tho this is simply blame masked as forgiveness. What does God say about this?
ReplyDeleteI always thought forgiveness was letting that person back into my life and I can't, I know he hasn't and has no desire to change. But it's not. When choosing to forgive. You're not forgetting what they've done, or allowing them to hurt you again. You are just giving up your right for revenge and moving on with your life. Freeing yourself from the anger that will eat you up inside. (I want to note that I'm not talking about my hubby, he is an amazing man! I'm talking about my father.)
ReplyDeleteForgiveness is the hardest gift you will ever give yourself. If you're stuck in your attempt to forgive, please consider Dr. Everett Worthington Jr's book "Steps to REACH Forgiveness and to Reconcile". Dr. Worthington has done years of research and has found these steps very effective. I use these steps with the clients I see in my private Marriage and Family Therapy practice. I have seen client's lives transormed. Blessings to you as you find the freedom Christ died to purchase for you.
ReplyDelete