Continuing our series this week we're on to step 5:
Take your role as his lover seriously--commit to stirring things up.
Guest contributor, Lisa Jacobson, Club 31 Women
He is my lover.
And he’s my husband too. I’ve pledged myself to him for life---heart, soul, and body.
We’re lovers and we do the kinds of things that lovers do. We whisper, tease, kiss, and touch. He often introduces me as his “girlfriend”---though I’m quick to add that I happen to be his wife as well. That we’ve been married for 20 years and have eight children together. That it’s all legal and upright. Sometimes I even feel compelled to flash my wedding ring just to prove it.
How did we become lovers? No doubt that we were drawn to each other from the first. We married and couldn’t bear to be apart from one another.
So why should that kind of magnetic pull ever change?
Except young love doesn’t count on fatigue and weariness to creep in. Never considers grief, tragedy, or pressures to weigh down. Doesn’t anticipate that passion can get crowded out or crushed in the thick it all. But it can happen.
Maybe it’s even happened to you.
If it has? Don’t leave it there. Don’t give it up. Or wait for him to turn it around. It “takes two” and we all know that, but there’s so much a wife can do to stir up things. You know what kind of things I’m talking about too.
Oh, not just the actual event. Love-making isn’t confined to an act – it’s about a relationship. A very passionate one.
So I take my role as his lover very seriously and I’m committed to stirring things up. How about you? Are you looking for an ongoing love affair? As friend to friend, here are some ways I seek to be his lover:
Think like a lover. It begins with a mindset - how I view him. So when he walks into the room, am I thinking, “Oh, good, there’s the man who can take out the garbage” or “the dad who can give me a break from the children?” OR “Wow. There’s the guy I get to sleep with tonight." Trust me, it sure makes a difference in how I meet up with him.
Talk like a lover. Lovers say sweet, inviting things to each other. Maybe I’ll remark how handsome he is. How strong he is. How he makes me shiver - with delight. How I’m not sure I could live without him. I find that if you convince him that he’s the man of your dreams, he'll likely become that man.
Act like a lover. Sometimes I forget and get lost in the dailyness of life. But then I'll observe a newly engaged couple. I'll watch the way she hangs on his every word. How they exchange secrets with their eyes. The way she presses in when next to him. No one could miss the electricity between the two. And I’m reminded, “Oh, right, that’s how it’s supposed to be.” I’d forgotten for a time, but I want that back again.
Plan like a lover. This one is between you and me. It's not very romantic sounding....but I plan for things. Because you see, I'm a very busy lady and we've got a bunch of kids. And I only have so much time and so much energy. So, I plan ahead - to the point of mentally "scheduling" when we're going to be together. A little strange, I know, but if I don't make it a priority, well, then it just doesn't happen - or at least doesn't happen well.
Take a nap, run the bath, snuggle on the couch, turn in early - and start connecting from the beginning of the day. If forced to admit it, yes, I confess: I strategize.
Respond like a lover. One thing I've noticed about lovers? They respond so readily to each other. They're not concerned about timing, about the correct approach, the mood, or the lighting. They don't require anything fancy; they're thrilled to be together. So I try not to need things to be “just so” for passion to build between us.
Give like a lover. Lovers give their love lavishly and without restraint. They don’t hold back. Or hold out. And since I’ve already confided in you, here’s another: I don’t always feel like it. Sometimes I give of myself only because I love him. I’m not in the mood, not in that head-space, and it’s not where I’m at. Sometimes - it’s a one-way deal. It is simply my gift to him.
Desire like a lover. At one point, when expecting our 7th child, I realized that my desire for him had faded. While his level of interest hadn’t changed in the least. I wanted to want him, but found I didn’t have it in me. I couldn’t understand why the Lord would make me one way...and make him in such a totally different way. It didn’t make sense to me.
After a long soul-struggle, I brought it before the Lord. My request was simple: I asked Him to give me a desire – a real, physical desire – for my husband. And I don’t know how to explain it, but He gave it. I’ve prayed about many other aspects of our loving as well.
You might've noticed that I didn't go into much detail here. For me? Loving is a very personal matter. So I don’t want to know what others are doing – what matters more is what we’re enjoying. Does that mean I would never discuss such intimate details? No, but that conversation would be in private, over a cup of coffee with a trusted friend. Not in a public forum. Although I appreciate those like Sheila Gregoire who seek to address such things in a Biblical, careful manner.
When I found the one I love,
I held him and would not let him go.
~ Song of Solomon 3:4
Today’s Challenge: Consider yourself his lover, as well as his wife. Then think of the many ways you can stir things up.
Hold on to the one you love and enjoy being his lover.
In His grace,
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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Another home run, Darlene! You either write them or get them here, but they are always so helpful and I THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteThat is some of the best advice I've ever heard! Thank you for these wonderful reminders! God Bless. Linda
ReplyDeleteAbsolute great post :) Thanks Lisa for taking time to remind us to really be more than just a wife but a true sincere lover.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this! Sometimes in the craziness of life, I need a sisterly nudge to be intentional. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteI needed this BADLY!! Thank you. Thank you Lord for bringing me here today!
ReplyDeleteI loved this post and will save it for reference!
ReplyDeleteLoved this post Lisa! All I can say is Amen Amen Amen! It took me a while (nearly 20 years!) but thank God for His Grace that turned things around and brought these truths to me. It is so wonderful to have people like Darlene and yourself and Sheila to gain such inspiration from. Thanks ladies for all that you do!
ReplyDeleteAmen! And spot on! Beautiful post, Lisa. I married my man so I could be his lover. :) 14 years later, it's something that I fiercely hold on to no matter what comes our way in life.
ReplyDeleteI needed to hear this. 23 years of marriage and my husband has seen a lot of highs and lows in my attitude regarding being his girlfriend (not just his wife). My love for him has never changed but how it is shown to him has. It's time to get it back in check. ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you for this! We have to be so purposeful in all of this! It doesn't just happen! But it is so worth the work!! Take it from someone who has been married 25 years! It's so worth it!
ReplyDeleteAw, Lisa, thanks so much for linking to me! I've gotten really used to talking about this stuff out loud now. It's almost scary. :)
ReplyDeleteBut I do think that sex is something that should be so beautiful in marriage, but for many it's fallen by the wayside. And then I think we don't just deny our husbands; we deny ourselves the intimacy and joy that God intended for us.
It's my passion to see marriages thrive, and I thank you for the shout out!
These are suggestions that I don't know how I ever lived without! Thank you so much! I'm going to be taking them on board immediately. I love the way many of your suggestions actually begin with heart and mind attitudes, before they grow into full blown actions! So challenging! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience!
ReplyDeleteGonna go be 'intentional' tonight! Thanks for this post...needed in this season of life with 4 little ones at home!!!
ReplyDeleteVery well said and I am like you, it's private and I can't talk about it in a public forum either but I SO appreciate those who can and encourage us. thank you for this sweet reminder. I'm so thankful the Lord answers our prayers, I too have prayed these words because I just didn't feel I could do it. He always answers!
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Mel
Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God
As a woman this is the last thing on my mind! Ugh! As a wife how do you make it more than just another wifely duty?
ReplyDeleteAs a mom to an active toddler I just don't have the energy or the time, and quite frankly I just want to be clean and smell clean. Since I have an IUD, well you just can't bathe enough "after"
Quite frankly, although I've never denied my husband, I have needs too. Would it kill him to pay attention to me, or to snuggle?
I LOVE this post. I feel like I awoke from a coma, only to realize that the desire had faded, life got in the way and we both stopped desiring each other. When I made that switch to think/act/respond like a lover, my marriage is amazingly undeniably better. And I, too, prayed for a greater desire and higher libido. Oh my goodness, I received the answer to my prayers. It sounds so strange to say that, but it worked. I am able to get on my knees at the end of the day and thank God for a stronger desire for my husband. It's blissful in every way. 12 years of marriage and going strong :)
ReplyDeleteGreat article Lisa! Every point is so very true..I have 7 children and am 54. I still have 3 at home so sometimes I am VERY tired. LOL But I loved your last point..ask God for desire..I have had to do this a few times over the years..my hormones are pretty wacky and you know what..God is sooo faithful. Just like you said! So happy you shared this with your readers!!
ReplyDeleteBlessings!