I suppose everyone has their secrets.
I definitely have mine.
Although, I'd have to tell you that I never looked at it that way, until one of our daughters mentioned it. Actually, she said she "caught" me. She noticed I did certain things that seemed to make a difference. Ways of diffusing tension. Small steps toward loving him. Habits that helped with the happiness of our marriage.
So, yes, I guess I do have my "secrets" and they're really rather simple ones. Nothing big or brilliant, but I'll share them in case you find that they make a difference in your marriage too.
1. Smile warmly first thing in the morning. Okay, so I'm not exactly a morning person. You could say I’m more of a grumpy, where's-my-coffee, kind of person. But I have determined to greet him with the warmest, most loving smile I can muster. Boy! Does this set a wonderful tone for the day.
2. Do more kissing than complaining. This was the one I was "caught" doing. My husband had done something rather irritating. Downright irksome. And my daughter was watching it all from across the room. Rather than reacting, I laughed and planted a big, juicy one on his lips. Hah! That'll teach him. :)
3. Take timing into consideration. So my tendency is to blurt out what I'm feeling...when I'm feeling it. But I'm learning to hold back until I can communicate what I have to say in a calm manner and when he's in a better place to hear me out. It's so worth waiting for the right moment.
4. Make your bedroom a beautiful place. I like turning our room into a lovely oasis for us both. To make sure it’s a clean, warm, and inviting place - somewhere that he knows he can find order and peace. Somewhere special that he wants to be with me.
5. Pick and choose the issues you care about. Decide not to jump on every possible offense. Save your "coupons" for those things that truly matter to you. For instance, I care far less about who takes out the trash than I do about the way he talks to me.
6. Purpose to connect with him each day. We like to have coffee together every morning. And I like to send along a short love note, give him a quick call in the middle of the day, or simply snuggle into him at the end of the evening.
7. Pay attention to the details. The way he likes his coffee. When he feels like talking...and when he doesn't. When he needs an item that I could pick up for him while in town. Those tiny details that express love to him.
8. Bless him with a kind word. Pass on a word of encouragement or appreciation. Make it your daily habit to say something nice to him. It's amazing how that small kindness builds up to something big over time.
9. Reach out and touch him. Before you go to sleep at night. Even if he crawls in bed later than me, I like to reach over and remind him that I'm there. And that I'm always his girl. I want him to drift off thinking about my love for him.
10. Tell him, "I love you." Every day. Who doesn't need to be reminded that he is loved? That he is your special guy? Mine still likes to hear it, even though I've been telling him so for over 20 years now. I figure he’s heard it close to 7, 655 times - give or take a time or two. That's a lot of love.
So those are some of my secrets. Ten of them. It's not much, I know, but I do believe they've made a difference. Our daughter thinks so too. In fact, she's confided that she wants to carry those secrets into her future marriage as well.
I hope she does.
Some secrets are meant to be passed on.
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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you and your husband are very lucky! thanks for sharing your wonderful list. i already do several of these and am motivated to working on the others! i appreciate the kick in the pants! ;-)
ReplyDeleteLove these! My favorite thing about this list is that even as a wife who has a disability, I can still take hold of each secret and participate fully!! Thank you that these require nothing from us but what we can give; our time, attention, and love! God Bless!
ReplyDeleteThat's great that you are modeling that for your daughter. It will be easier for her to do it in her marriage. These are important reminders. Thank you. Sometimes it is the little things.
ReplyDeleteLove this, Darlene! We are celebrating our 21st anniversary today!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post and a great reminder that has woman we have great influence in our homes and can set the tone and atsphere thru little small things we do or don't do that have a big impact in our home and chirkdren life
ReplyDeletethis is beautiful. my husband n I r split up now but I have faith n hope that things will return to the old us. I need pray but im going to try some of these. we have 4 daughters n they need us. plz keep us in ur prays. the love family
ReplyDeleteI Will Pray For You.
DeleteThis is really great advice, thank you. My hubby and I have been married 30 years. In relation to habit #5...My husband leaves the closet doors open on his closet every day. Every day I close them. At first this really made me mad and I really wanted to yell at him about it. Then I started thinking of my 4 single/widowed girlfriends and how much they would love to have a great husband like mine, even if he left the doors open day after day. Now when I daily close those doors I purposefully thank God for the fact that my husband is alive and well and treats me so wonderfully.
ReplyDeleteI don't care how many times a day I speak to my husband the last words we exchange are "I Love You". It goes a loooong way when things are not exactly right. We did the same thing with our son - always "I Love You". The "I Love You" is still exchanged and always makes me smile!
ReplyDeleteSounds great... just wish it was put in to use by my other half. She has totally abandoned ALL of this.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should try doing a few of them for her. Or think what have you abandoned that you might do again?
DeleteAre you doing these for your wife? She should not do all the work.
DeleteNot to complain -- the advice is okay -- but what exactly about any of that is Christian in nature? That blog promotes itself as Christian advice, but the 10 things listed could just as easily come from the mind of an atheist. Why weren't praying and reading/studying the Bible together mentioned? Or going to and participating in church together? What about remembering the Gospel and that all Christian husbands and wives are sinners saved by grace? The advice given is good, but apart from the Gospel and Christ, so what? Marriage between a husband and a wife is to be a picture of Christ and his church. I just don't see that in the advice. Christians, let's clearly stand apart from the world and make sure we're always showing God's way as the best way!
ReplyDeleteI will keep your wife in my prayers.
DeleteYou gotta calm down man. She gives fabulous Biblical advice daily.
To be honest, most of these are hard to do if you don't have God helping you :)
I agree. Jay you are over analyzing. As a Christian Minister, I many of times gave secular advice without mentioning Christian values. Lisa gave some of the best advice for wives could ever do. I wish my “X-wife” would have following her advice. So yes, let's add some Christian activities to it to add value for Christian marriages.
DeleteThank you Lisa for your awesome advice! I pray that one day I will have the happiest marriage that anyone could ever have. Your marriage secrets should be in every marriage. Keep up the good work.
Why would you make a comment like that? Do you wrongly assume my wife is suffering a lack of love and affection?
DeleteSorry, but this isn't biblical advice. It could've easily have come from the likes of Richard Dawkins. I'm sorry that the Gospel is not important enough to you to unabashedly be a part of everything.
God forgive you.you sound very bitter and judging. So you throw all your biblical knowledge at friends and family when they sin against you or are you forgiving. Wow you're scary.
DeleteJust because something doesn't directly reference the Bible doesn't mean it doesn't come from God :) This advice is all about showing your spouse love and affection--if you NEED a Biblical reference to make advice valuable, I suggest you go to John 3:16, "Love one another as I have loved you"; or 1 Corinthians 13, "Love is patient, love is kind...". Or really anywhere in the Bible where Jesus urges us to love.
DeleteI really liked to read that, just wish he would have much to do with me besides yelling starting arguments and not wanting to be around me much unless it benefits him and what he wants like his schooling me helping , helping to take care of him and yet if it is me he gets upset and frustrated as if he is the only one to do so. He starts arguments by picking and saying stuff bout my family and my son. He didn't ever use to do any of this until the doctors started him on more meds for depression, ocd, anxiety and when he tried to quit smoking and then had his back surgery. I say love you and so much more and its a battle to fight every day one minute he is the guy I fell in love with the next he is angry, moody, arguing, then down and sleeping lots. He thinks I am to do all but yet who is there for me and saying I love you and just doing things just because. Ill try these and hope they work for me too. I pray everyday, night throughout the day for relief, peace, love and to find how to get him back if its possible.
ReplyDeleteIt's sounds like your spouse, is narcissist, personality, if your not sure what that is look it up. I've encountered a few in my life and it's really not anything you are doing. They are the ones with the problems that they refuse to admit. No medication will Help this personality. Prayers with you.
DeleteDear Anonymous, I don't know the whole situation of your husband, but I have personally experienced going through the horrible challenges of depression and anxiety. When I read where you noted that he didn't used to be this way, I thought maybe my experiences could be helpful to you. Unlike many cases of depression and anxiety, I did not have any external, painful experiences that caused it. In fact, my life had been amazingly good, and I should have been as happy as ever. As far as I know, my depression and anxiety was caused by something biologically/chemically imbalanced in my brain. (I think it is similar to how a diabetic doesn't have the correct balance of insulin. I have a family member who developed type I diabetes as a 3 year old. She was so sweet and enjoyable to be around most of the time, but all of a sudden, she would have these huge mood swings and be so grouchy. The mood swings were less about her being "bad" or sinful and more about her body being completely out of wack.) In my own struggle with depression and anxiety, I felt so frustrated because I felt completely out of control of it. I spent a full year, from one "New Year's Day" to the next, praying that God would give me a gentle and quiet spirit and that I wouldn't feel anxious. I had people pray for me at church. I memorized applicable scripture. I sought Christian counseling with a professional counselor. During that year, I actually got worse, not better! After the year was up, I decided to go to the doctor. I told him I was finally willing to try medicine. Within a week of starting medicine, I began to improve dramatically. I felt more like myself than I had in years, and the anxiety and depression were reduced dramatically. I finally felt like I had my life back, rather than being a slave to what I believe in my case was a physical ailment. (As a side note, I do believe that many times depression and anxiety are brought on by painful experiences or other things where counseling can be very beneficial.) Psalm 103:10-14 took on new meaning for me, where it talks about how God has compassion on us and does not treat us according to our sins because He knows our frame and is mindful that we are but dust. I had felt so guilty during my struggle, thinking that I was not trusting God enough or finding my joy in Him. But medicine made such a difference that I was finally ABLE to trust God and find joy in Him. I don't know if your husbands treatment of you is a chemical/biomedical issue (such as needing a different combination of meds), a sin issue, or a combination of both. But I wanted to share just in case any of it could be of use to you.
DeleteDo you have any advise for what men can/should do to help their marriage?
ReplyDeleteLisa's husband just launched a site this week. You might enjoy it as he encourages men in their faith and their marriage:
Deletehttp://matthewljacobson.com/
Darlene, do these other sites have meaty content and lists similar to women's lists? I ask this because often we tell wives all these things that they should do to satisfy their husbands, but when the wives look to for sites with real meaty content for the husbands to do, all we see are some patronizing articles, here and there, with silly items in the lists that wives perceive as "pacifying" items.
DeleteThese men counselors and writers, do not lecture and scold the men and tell them what they need to be doing, the way women writers do to the female gender. Go figure? They put weak items in the man's lists. Example, "Put the toliet seat down." That to me is not what hurts a wife's heart. There are soooooo many things that husbands do that hurts wives. But counselors disregard and downplay the sins. Go figure?
But these men who read on the internet think they are good guys and begin to believe that they are perfect, because they see how readily, counselors scold and lecture women. They see how pitiful and humiliated the wives feel. These husbands then get full of themselves and become "laid back" in their duties that God has assigned them!! Men will stop working on their marriages when they read a bunch of coddling articles written to inflate their egos. We are hurting wives!!!
Husband counselors need to addresss men's sins and really be fair and balanced. There are millions of hurt and sad wives out there who have been real Godly wives for many, many years, only to find out that their men cheated, was cold, unloving, and disrepectful to the wife. He devalued her and did not respect her opinion. You may even find where a husband may have left a wife financially broke and hooked up with the young mistress. We need lists that address those realities.
Absolutely! For example, Matt Jacobson just posted an article the other day that is things a man needs from a wife and things she needs from him.
DeleteLisa Jacobson wrote this article above and Matt (the link I recommended) is written by her husband. Similar stuff, but the man's take on things.
And for the family is written by several people. We are three of their writers. So you'll get the same kinds of articles at both places.
Also, you might check out the movie Courageous. There's a "resolution" that goes along with it. The movie is based around the Resolution. If you Google it, you should be able to find it. Not sure if they have a website too. I've never looked into it.
DeleteThere are other things out there too, like Promise Keepers, which is a nation wide group of men dedicated to keeping their vows and living a Christ-centered marriage. Maybe men aren't reading as many blogs, which is why they might not pop up as often in our media circles.
You know all these are so wonderful. BUT I learned over 30 years ago, it still takes two to make a marriage work. I stayed in with my mate until my girls were adults. When he left, all I could do was THANK GO!
ReplyDeleteFor those who are doing all of the work, I like to encourage them in two ways. One is that while our reward doesn't come from man we can be assured that a much greater reward will come from our Father in heaven who sees everything that we do. Nothing goes unnoticed by God. And as long as a woman is praying for her marriage and trusting God to work on his heart she can be sure that she isn't working alone. There are two at work--both her and the LORD.
DeleteThese are all so wonderful and I do them instinctively. My husband had a troubled childhood, whereas mine was Utopian in comparison, and suffers from low self-esteem. But not with me! I build him up and let him know I love him. It's easy for me because he does it right back! sigh... I love my man.
ReplyDeleteI didn't realize until I read this that I do every single one of these things. It's great advice & they DO work. :)
ReplyDelete20 years and I could not do or give enough. The problems were his, and I became part of the cycle. Letting go, totally and completely, gives one the ability to pray for the person rather than as the husband. Changes began to happens. Very small, but positive.
ReplyDeleteWow, very helpful and useful information. It usually is the the small and simple things....
ReplyDeleteHi, this is lovely. May I have permission to reblog this in its entirety on my blog? With a link, of course.
ReplyDeleteI'll send your request to Lisa. It's not my post so I can't grant permission.
DeleteI am divorced. Sadly as many times as I tried, I failed. For a while I thought that our failed marraige was his fault. I had a long list of his hurtful behaviors and short comings. I could focus on them and maintain my own superior attitude. The truth is he was abusive and mean and was unwilling to change. But that is not the only truth. I have slowly come to realize and accept my part in the failing of our marraige. I married the wrong person for the wrong reasons and then set about trying to transform him into what I needed him to be. I used every kindness I offered later as leverage as to why he owed me these changes. I said I love you but meant I love your potential. I systematically tried to change everything I felt was a defect leaving him no time or place to feel enough, or loved or accepted. This was a hard thing for me to see because my part was carefully disguised as the behavior of a good wife. I read these articles because I know one day the right one will walk into my life. I want to make sure that when he does, I am the right woman for him.
ReplyDeleteLove these! Do you have an opinion on what the Bible says about the woman submitting to the man and how that affects a marriage?
ReplyDeleteAnd the number 10, is what the husband is instructed to do for his wife.
ReplyDeleteLisa, how can I do these when my husband travels so much for work? He is gone pretty much M-F and I am home alone, hundreds of miles from family and several miles from town, raising and homeschooling 3 small children. I must say, my heart really isn't in this lately. Last fall, my husband of 12 years confessed to leading a double life and having numerous extramarital affairs, which started right after we got married. (It was easy to hide because he travels so much.) We have been in counseling for the last year, but I will be honest when I say I don't see a lot of change. It worries me.
ReplyDeleteI have stuck with him because I believe God can do anything, and when I said my vows, I meant them (even if he didn't). I don't want my children to grow up in a broken home. Only time will tell.
So, how can I love someone who is so unlovely, so hard to love - that happens to be my spouse - and he is never home?