But I am something of an expert.
I suppose it's because I've been dedicated to the subject for a good 20 years now. So apparently this qualifies me as The Expert.
I never thought of it like that until I recently listened to this one woman give a very popular TED-talk. She's a famous researcher and described her 10 years of seriously studying her topic. And evidently that made her an authority. She has written several books on the subject and everyone acknowledges her as the one who-knows-the-most.
That's when I had my "aha" moment.
Well, what d'ya know...I'm an expert too. Except that I've studied my subject for twice that long.
Yes, I've studied that man of mine for over two decades.
I can't tell you everything I know, of course. That would take too long and be too intimate to talk about here. But I can give you a sampling of my vast knowledge:
- He drinks his coffee black and prefers the cup to be heated up first.
- He generally gets a little grumpy when we eat dinner past 7pm. He doesn't care what he eats, as long as it’s served with love and care, and he’s happy to help out in the kitchen.
- He's an early riser and likes me to go to bed at night the same time as him.
- He's passionate about the local church and has a heart for the lonely and left-out. He gets choked up when he hears of a young person turning his life around.
- He loves being a dad and always has time for his kids.
- And he's crazy about me. (Hope that doesn't disqualify me as his researcher?)
But I've made it my business to know this man.
How about you? Are you an expert on your husband?
If not, then here are some of my best research techniques:
- Observe his habits. What kinds of things does he like to do and when does he like to do it? What are his favorite foods and what does he find fascinating? What brings him joy and what brings him down?
- Ask him questions. Find out what he's thinking. See if he'll share any of his childhood memories, his favorite moments or maybe his private fears. Gently and respectfully ask all about him. Then simply listen.
- Spend as much time as possible with him. A good researcher spends gobs of time with her subject.
- Accept him for who he is. As he is right now. Put aside all those changes you'd like to see and instead try to understand the man that he is today. A true researcher wants first and foremost to discover everything she can about her study.
- Always be making new discoveries. You might be surprised how much you've yet to learn about him. Thoughts he's not shared with anyone else. Personal concerns he's never mentioned before. Dreams you never knew he had.
I'm not sure why no one has yet approached me to do a TED-talk on what it's like to be married to Matt Jacobson (too bad! that'd be fun), but I'd like to think I'd be ready if they did. I wouldn't have any trouble filling up my 18 minutes with all the amazing things I've learned about my husband over the years.
After all, I am the expert.
How about you? What are some of your favorite discoveries? Or fun facts about him?
(Positive things only, please)
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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When my husband broke his elbow - on our 12 year old's rip-stick - I learned my husband eats with his left hand - which I hadn't noticed - after 30 years of marriage (I kind of think he uses both - but he insists it's his left:) I'd like to think I'm an expert on my man, too - after 30 years - I think I could earn a PhD! It's a subject I LOVE to study!
ReplyDeleteLove the thought of a TED talk on your man -that might be better than a vow renewal at the 25-year anniversary, eh?
ReplyDeleteI would also like to apply the message to knowing Jesus. I've made it my business to know this man. To know who he is and what he does. To seek him out so that he is no longer a stranger.
ReplyDeleteWhat a WONDERFUL thing that we can all be an expert at! This post made me smile so much at the sweet thought that we should take the time to do the very exact same thing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your wonderful, timely posts.
blessings,
Shan
www.The-How-to-Guru.com
I love this idea....'majoring' in the study of my husband....I could use another Master's degree ;)
ReplyDeleteCute post!! :)
ReplyDeleteMy husband also likes to have me in bed at the same time as him. He eats with his left hand, does most everything else with his right. Will also eat just about anything. I can anticipate his moods and reactions based on my childrens behaviors, and can pretty much tell you what he would say in most any given situation...and we're coming up on 7 yrs married...but 9 total years together.
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I never considered myself an expert on my hubby either, but I guess you are totally right. :) And what I love is that God is always showing us new things about each other over the precious years we have together.
ReplyDeleteLove this!!
ReplyDeleteThis is something I should do more of. We have been married for almost 35 years and there are still things I am finding out. We were very close to separating at one point, but got Godly counsel and now we are closer, but it is a LOT of work. One thing I have learned is he enjoys things in a different way than I do. So to me, that was "not enjoying" them. Now I let him enjoy things his way and I mine and we are getting along a lot better.
ReplyDeleteI've found out that my husband does a better job at doing our daughter's hair. He is very meticulous at where each hair should go, and it always looks fantastic!
ReplyDeleteMy Hubby's favorite candy is Mellowcreme pumpkins. I like to be the one to buy him the first and last bags of the season :)
ReplyDeleteokay so I'm not married or even in a relationship, so that makes the most important men in my current life my Daddy and my 2 brothers ;) So! About my dad? Something that pleases him is seeing me take time to talk to the senior saints of our little congregation as they are more feeble and just sit lonely in the pew after church.
ReplyDeleteMy 17 brother? the way to his heart at this point (because we are SO opposite and he is SO very hard for me to read!!:( ) is through HIS STOMACH! He enjoys NON-diet Snapple tea and Windmill cookies... and subway LOL
and my "baby" (yeah RIGHT :(:( ) brother? the way to give him joy is to be fun with him and show him you truly like him for who he is... and to show him just how truly please you are when he does something TO please you! He really responds to that. Positive reinforcement :) He's the youngest of 6, hence a pleaser. :) GREAT POST! Definitely pinning in my future wife wisdom board!
My problem is he refuses to communicate. He's spoken to a pastor, a therapist, and family members. They all tell him the same thing - he needs to talk to me, but he refuses. The things we do communicate on - budget, etc. - he goes behind my back and does the opposite of what we agreed to do. He then wants to point the finger at me and blame me for his problems. I no longer go to therapy with him because he lies to the therapist. He lies to me, big and small lies. He claims to be a Christian - I am not God, so I cannot answer that definitively. However, his actions are not that of a Christian husband. His go to excuse is he forgot. I'm sorry, you forgot how to treat people, especially your wife, with respect? I don't listen to him when he starts to lie and make excuses. This makes him mad because he can't get his way. I won't tell him that it's okay to ignore me during the day but want to share my bed at night. I am to the point where my only options are to put up with a loveless marriage or leave. I have tried to learn my husband. I have asked questions in a non-abrasive manner, but all I get is "I don't know." He wasn't this way when we were dating, but ever since the I Dos, he has resisted any bending on his part to make the marriage a godly one, let alone a functional one.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous, I too experienced a difficult marriage, however, prayer is very powerful. When I couldn't pray for my situation because of despair and depression I could depend on those individuals around me. I know it may seen like there is nothing you can do, but the one thing you can do is pray. Maybe your husband is not a believer, if he isn't he can be won by your conduct. It is not for you to change him there is obviously an attack by the enemy on your marriage
DeleteAs I read this comment, I wondered if I had written it and inadvertently posted it! Fortunately, things are improving for me in my relationship with my husband. The first replier is correct - prayer DOES help - and in ways you cannot even imagine. It takes time though. And patience. Besides the many uplifting sites and blogs online, I have also been working through a book by Karla Downing - 10 Lifesaving Principles for Difficult Marriages. Many of her principles coincide wonderfully with this blog and those linked to it. What a wonderful time we live in where we can share and lift each other up! I wish you healing in your marriage journey.
DeleteThank you so much for the encouragement! I am doing a devotion on hope and the woman after God challenge devotion. I know I cannot change him. That's why I stopped going to therapy and started spending that time in the Word, focusing on my heart and motivation. It's hard, but I am trying my best. I do feel better letting go of the struggle. No matter the situation, I want to focus on God. I agree it is an attack on our marriage because we started out so strong. I will keep praying though, and thank you for your prayers.
DeleteWhat a beautiful post. It is so inspiring to read your blog. Are there any blogs for dads that you would recommend? I think my husband would enjoy reding and learning from other dads
ReplyDeleteYes! www.forthefamily.org is opening soon. Lisa and her husband will both be writing there. So will I along with some incredible writers--both men and women. :D
ReplyDelete