What would I tell you?
Now that we've been married for 21 years. We've laughed together, cried together, slept together, raised children together, and have walked together for over two decades.
That's a lot of together - don't ya think?
Yeah, that's what I thought too. Two people who've been loving each other for a long time. And it's no small thing. I can see that.
So here I am wondering what I could offer and the advice that I'd give. What has worked and what's helped us through the hard times? What has brought us this far? And what will keep us loving each other in the years to come?
Since we're celebrating our 21st anniversary - by the grace of God - here are 21 things I'd tell you...
1. Hold hands whenever you can. We do and always have. We'll clasp hands when sitting next to each other on the couch, while we're driving along in the car, and when we're out walking. A simple connecting that goes a long way.
2. Pray for him every day. Faithfully. What better gift than to offer up a prayer for him? Ask God to bless him, protect him, and work in his life.
3. Look for the many ways to love on him. Small gifts and thoughtful gestures. Those little things that say, I love you and I'm thinking of you.
4. Make friends with people who'll encourage your marriage. Surround yourself with those who will support and pray for you both as you grow together.
5. And avoid those who pull against you. If they were friends, I'd ditch them altogether. It's harder with extended family members, but I'd dodge those as much as possible too.
6. Go to the Word of God for the best marriage counseling. You can get good advice from others, but there's no replacing the loving, powerful Truth to be found in Scripture.
7. Cultivate your friendship. Marriage isn't merely a business deal.
8. Never give up on each other. People go through difficult seasons and we get to persevere through them. Don't let go.
9. Confess your sins to one another. Doesn't help to smooth it over; instead repent and ask forgiveness. (Jas. 5:16)
10. And then forgive freely. (Col. 3:13)
11. Be patient with him. Love is long-suffering, remember? (I Cor. 13:4)
12. Show him respect. It's in the Bible. And it's what he needs (Col. 3:18).
13. Leave off with the complaining. It only drags the both of you down (Phil. 2:14).
14. Focus on those things which are true, pure, and lovely. (Phil. 4:8)
15. Put on love. Above all things. (Col. 3:14)
16. Let the little annoyances go. Is it really worth bothering about? Probably not.
17. Keep the home fires burning. Intimacy is still important. Yes, even after 21 years.
18. Stand by your man. You'll probably find loyalty toward the top of his list.
19. Make loving him your priority. Over your job, your friends, your extended family. Even over your children.
20. Give him - and yourself - room to grow. I know that we're not done growing yet and I'm guessing you two aren't either.
21. Decide you're going to stick together. With God's help, you're going to stay together throughout the years.
How did we celebrate our anniversary this year? Nothing too fancy, really. We began the day by having coffee together, like we've done most every morning for 21 years. Then we took off for a 3-mile hike down the canyon path near our home. Holding hands and talking all the while.
Walking together and loving each other. All these years.
And that's something worth celebrating.
Don't ya think?
Don't ya think?
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
Visit Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here
If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife
Check out my book, The Good Wife's Guide: Embracing Your Role as a Help Meet
This is wonderful. I've been married since October last year and we struggle daily. This is a wonderful reminder for us newly weds. :)
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved this article as a young newly wed wife! Thank you for this great piece of advice, iv passed it along to all my friends <3 Blessings.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that. I needed to read those words today. My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years, but only married for 4. I thought having dated for so long, that marriage would be a piece of cake. Well, dating was certainly different than marriage. Although we were together for a long time, as Christians, we saved many things for marriage, including, of course, living together. Knowing that once we were married, there was no getting mad and going 'home' was a big adjustment. We both had to learn early on to keep our tempers in check. We love each other very much. We make great partners and we are the best of friends. But sometimes, I forget my responsibility as a Christian woman to support him as a submissive wife (So many years of independence working against me, I suppose). This list reminded me of the little things I should be working on every day.
ReplyDeleteAnd does he remember to support you as a loving servant leader? Marriage is a two way street. It is not only about submissiveness, but him being loving and honoring to his wife. We tend to overwork that word. God does not mean for us to beat wives down with that word, but some of us do all the time.
DeleteWe give defeat to young wives when we scold and lecture them so much, but forget to remind husbands of their roles.Marriage work is not just for wives, but husbands too. 9-2013
happy anniversary to you two and thanks for the advice!
ReplyDeleteI know this article is directed at wives in how to treat their husband but women need respect too, even if it isn't in the Bible...
ReplyDeletejust sayin'
Actually, it is. Please read 1Peter 3:7. :)
DeleteAnd too, Ephesians 5:25-33 definitely tells husbands that they need to love and cherish their wives, taking care of them as they would take care of their own bodies, presenting their wives to themselves as pure and blameless. In my opinion, if they're treating their wives that way, then respect is naturally going to be a part of it.
DeleteAnonymous, you are absolutely correct. Too many sites on the internet, continue to beat wives over the head with what wives should do, but we hardly see any sites that constantly scold and beat husbands over the head,. This turns wives off and hurts wives' hearts. I support you dear wives and I love you. You are special in God's eyes.
DeleteWe do not want to turn young girls off marriage, by making them beievle that they have to do all the marriage work. We must strive to be more like Christ. Would he want us to scold and lecture only the wives? We must not keep overworking the words submissive and respect unless you are going to tell husbands that the Bible tells us to submit ye to one another and that husbands are to honor and love the wife. Tell the truth people and let us not worship men, but worship God.
9-2013
excellent post!!
ReplyDeleteThis needs to be a printable!!! Pretty-Please?
ReplyDeleteThanks for asking! Yes, I'll be working on one real soon. :)
DeleteBeautifully written. My beloved and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary in 2 weeks and I can tell you - most assuredly - that your advice is right on. I have shared this page on my Facebook, hoping that it will inspire some to come, read, and follow!! Thank you for your amazingly wonderful, Christ-like advice!! God bless you!
ReplyDeleteSalam
ReplyDeleteWhat great advice. Its always so useful to get advice from people who have been married longer than you.
Will try to do as many as possible.
Your Muslim friend
Salam I'm a Muslim friend too..and I found it very helpful!! thanks for your article, it's absolutely beautiful and true!
DeleteA.Hajar from Italy
A few years back, my FIL's wife gave me her old car when she bought a new one. She wanted me to have something to take the kids and leave my husband, should I make that choice. Seems over the years she's not the only one who has thought a separation may occur.
ReplyDeleteIt has not always been a bed of roses. But we've been together for 18 years, and married for the last 16 of those. My husband is not a church-goer, but we both believe marriage is for life and that you have to work at it.
So beautiful! thanks for the advice.. I'm a young wife :)
ReplyDeleteI agree, Lisa. I was divorced after 26 years of marriage and if I had to do it all over, it would be by the list you posted. Especially #16 Let the little things go. We are reared by different families, different ways with different rules... so there are going to be differences between us in marriage. If I had to do it over again, I would understand that and be less rigid about doing things my way. I would also spend more time with my spouse and children and less time cleaning house!!! :)
ReplyDelete#5 is hard for us because it is extended family(mine) and we live in my home town so we are surrounded. Its became easier over the years though.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have been married almost 34 yrs.. We are as different as night and day. We had some rough times but both stuck it out. I wouldn't give up where we are right now for anything. Praise God. And your 21 items of advice are spot on. In my younger days I'm not sure I would have had the ears to hear it. I was too self absorbed. Going to church or not going isn't the issue-it's a relationship with Jesus Christ and understanding the bible rightly divided as our apostle Paul commands us in II Tim. 2:15. When you are at peace with your faith then all else falls into place, even though difficult times. Thank you for this posting!
ReplyDeleteAh, great post. I love Love! To the person who was interested in women also getting respect..
ReplyDeleteExcellent point- women do need respect. And romance. And to feel appreciated. And to be heard. And a lot of other things!
So.. "women need respect too even if it isn't in the Bible"... well, I gotta say I'd argue that point! If you look at Ephesians chapter 5 verse 28: husbands are to LOVE their wives (as their OWN bodies it says! Wow!) And as wives, we are instructed to "respect" and "submit" to our husbands. Now, as I see it, Love encompasses a LOT of things! Especially when one is instructed specifically to love as one loves himself! That's huge! That includes respect, honor, cherishing, forgiving, bearing with, and list goes on and ON!!! Praise God because we humans need all of those things! Daily.
Wives, what we are instructed to do is a bit more specific: we are instructed to respect aka submit to our husbands. Those of us who are independent women may feel a bit offended by that wording- I say that from experience. But from a man's point of view, "respect" may not be exactly what we women may interpret that word to be. Respect to a man is trusting them, believing in them, and also allowing them to man up and take care and protect their households! It's brilliant really! And so clearly ordained by none other than God Himself!
I know the feeling of resenting that terminology .. "respect your husband".. and I also realized why. It's because of the men out there who DON'T "respect" women and abuse them, belittled them, and are un-loving to them. And those shovanistic (sp?) jerks are NOT doing as God has instructed them to do. Nope. Take a peek at Ephesians 5 and try to put any biased opinions out of the way and apply it to a GOOD man... might help ;-) sorry so long. God bless.
Sorry beloved, I must disagree with one of your statements. What we need to keep in mind is, men are told to do things that are specific TOO. We just have got to STOP overusing the words submit and respect. We have beat that horse to death.
DeleteThese are not the only Scriptures in the Bible. Why don't we also talk to husbands? 9-2013
Because this is a blog for wives not for husbands. If this was a blog for husbands, they'd be getting counseled on how how to treat their wives and marriages. But as this is a blog by women for women, it is counsel for us as the female partner.
DeleteCongratulations! We're going on 15 years, and your advice is great for everyone!
ReplyDeleteI'm jealous! wish I had 8 children! you are truly blessed!
ReplyDeleteThat is awesome. My hubby and I will celebrate 22 years here in a couple of weeks. Our 1 motto through our marriage (which includes raising an autistic son) has been divorce is NOT an option period!!! There have been times we didn't like each other much but by God's grace and our commitment to God we have made it through and are now empty nesters :)
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this today! My husband and I celebrate 15 years next month. I'd add Don't let the sun go down on your anger.
ReplyDelete--Gena
I have been married to my love for 21 years also. Your advice is right on! #21 is key!
ReplyDeleteLove this. It's the little things that go a long way. It's so easy to take things for granted - I'm realising that I need to be more intentional about making my marriage a success.
ReplyDeleteJust found out my christian husband spent some money going to a strip joint in new York. Should I address this or leave it alone?
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to discuss with him if it something that would make you resentful. However, it's important to make it a conversation and not an accusation. Ask him what it was he was looking for in going there and really listen to what he has to say. Be honest with him about how it made you feel. Try to find a way to make this a growing experience for you both. We all face temptations, so encourage your husband to share his with you before acting on them. Be a safe place for him and strengthen him with prayer.
DeleteThis article is really encouraging!!!! I am really giving up on my husband but, after reading this article it really motivate me to evaluate myself again love my husband.
ReplyDeleteI'm newly married and found this advice to be wonderful! I want a relationship that will last beyond life and I think this is the way to do it! Thank you so much!
ReplyDelete