You'd think I would know everything by now.
Or at least everything about him.
But here we were married for over 20 years and I was finding out something I never knew. A story he'd never told another living soul.
Not until me.
Not until now.
We'd simply been sitting there, quietly cuddling and chatting when the conversation began. I can't say what sparked it, but I suddenly saw this look in his eyes. A glimpse of sadness. So I asked him about it.
Begged him, really. Please.
Please tell me what I'm seeing in your eyes? What happened back then and why so sad?
Then he started to tell me. Speaking slowly at first. It was clear that he'd never told anyone about this before. Not ever. I was the first.
I listened carefully and tearfully. Weeping silently so as not to stop him because I wanted to hear every word he was willing to say to me. I wanted to understand.
Maybe his story wouldn't mean that much to you. It might only sound like the experience of so many others. But for me? It meant everything. I felt closer to him that night than I think I'd ever felt before. In that one moment we were as close as two people can be.
This man - whom I've known so well and for such a long time - had cautiously placed his heart in mine. His whole heart was right there, safely tucked into my own, and we both felt it. It was a night we'd always remember.
Maybe you're wanting that kind of closeness too. You'd like to understand him better and be the one he turns to in time of need. You hope he'll entrust his heart to you.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her (Prov. 31:11).How Do You Become a Safe Place for Him?
Earn his trust. It can take a long time to build trust, especially if he's been burnt before. Prove to him in all matters - both big and small - that you are trustworthy and loyal to him. Recognize that it might be a while before he's willing to open up to you, but consistently demonstrate to him that his heart is safe with you.
Take a keen interest. Looking back, I don't think my husband would have opened up if I hadn't been so genuinely interested in who he is and what he's been through. I don't merely think of him as my "husband" but as a "person" too - a person who has his own dreams, history, and hurts. I want him to be convinced of my care and concern for him.
Listen quietly. I have to be careful not to add too much commentary or counsel. I believe the best place to start is by simply listening and loving. Keep in mind that he doesn't want you to jump in and "change" him - any more than you don't want him jumping in to "fix" it for you.
Keep his heart carefully. Okay, so I'll admit it's very tempting to tell my friends what he shared with me that evening. It's such a bittersweet and touching story, I know they'd love to hear it too. But I never will. Sorry, girls, this one's between us and I’m keeping it there.
He can be confident that his story will always be safe with me.
His heart tucked into my heart.
Right where it is belongs.
Close to me.
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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Wow this is good. You are so anointed by the Lord to share these glimpses with us so that we can have the God honoring marriage God wants for all of us. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteShan
www.The-How-to-Guru.com
Wow, this is excellent. And very touching.
ReplyDeleteIt's very plainly in the Bible that we should be someone our husband trusts, but here you've given us some practical steps on how to BE that woman. Thank you! I'm going to take these thoughts to prayer today.
this is beautiful! I was worried that you were going to write what he was sad about....I'm glad you didn't ! ;)
ReplyDeleteLove this! Thrilled that you didn't share his story. Really want to be more intentional to steward my husband's heart well. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful reminder of a growing relationship and trust. Thank you for sharing. I love being my husbands "best buddy".
ReplyDeletewww.thehealthyandfithomeschoolmom.com
I so wish that this could take place in our marriage. My husband can safely tell me his, but I cannot tell him mine. He is either not interested or judgmental. He has no desire to hear my heart. When I have given him glimpses inside, he uses that info to hurt me later. He is a broken miserable man and does his best to break the family, too. No one can be happy if he is not. And he is not. Nor has he ever been. I need prayer, sweet ladies. I cannot live this way or subject my children to it much longer. We need a miracle. Please pray.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you . . . and for all that are in the same situation like you. I am at a crossroads, wondering if 'keep going' or 'give up and move on' is the right thing to do. It is so, so hard. Emotional & spiritual pain is so much harder for me than physical pain. I do know that miracles can happen . . . and hope that each of us can experience our own miracle. :)
DeleteThank you so much Lisa, I just went through a situation like you described last night with my husband-to-be. This was so timely.
ReplyDeleteI am so with the Anonymous above, I have the very same situation, things I have shared with him he throws back in my face,things that took place before I knew the Lord. He uses anything he can think of to make me feel guilty and to make me feel that I have no worth. It is only by the grace of God that I can keep my sanity. I too need the prayers of everyone.
ReplyDeleteI'm no closer to my husband than I was 29 years ago, maybe further apart, there has been hurt, disappointment, unmet expectations, I could go on and on. He tells me I read to many different books, he seems fine, I'm alone, and lonely. He discounts feelings, he is cut and dried, black and white, yes and no, no in between. I know he doesn't trust me, doesn't encourage me, seems like he doesn't need or want me.
ReplyDeleteLadies, I got some great advice from a friend today. He said that marriages are not 50/50, they are 100/100...or should be. He said that Love is not an emotion, it's God! It sometimes feels like an emotion, which is confusing to us. We choose how we want to feel. If we want to be depressed, then we keep focusing on everything wrong. We need to focus on ANYTHING right, start from there, and start imagining our relationship the way we want it to be. And of course, pray about your spouse, your marriage, your children, and your children's spouse or future spouse. Put God in the driver seat, and love with all your heart. Spend time with God daily, and you will see changes in your life. I'm happy for those of you who are happy, and I'm praying for those of you who are struggling. Blessings, Jo Ann
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