Guest contributor, Matthew L. Jacobson
It wasn't exactly sound advice but, you had to admit, he had a point. The older gentleman leaned across the table and said,
“I learned a long time ago, when you’re having a disagreement with your wife, as soon as you are convinced you’re 100 percent correct, apologize immediately!”
There’d be a lot fewer arguments in marriage if this advice was followed, wouldn’t there?
But, is that what God would have you do . . . cave immediately to keep the peace? No, that is never a long-term solution. Stuffing what you think and feel now will only lead to a destructive explosion down the road.
Disagreements are inevitable. After all, this is marriage! So, how do we have an honest disagreement without it escalating into a full-scale war, dishonoring ourselves, damaging our relationship, and diminishing our testimony as followers of Jesus Christ?
Everything in life operates on a set of rules: Growing a garden, playing football, landing an airplane, downhill skiing, driving a car . . . it doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, ignore the rules and you’re going to have a mess on your hands.
It’s the same for dealing with disagreements with your spouse. Freewheeling, no-boundaries arguments may release pressure like a bursting dam but destruction always follows.
But he makes me so angry, sometimes!
Did you know God is totally good with anger? That’s right, He is. You can’t read the Old or the New Testaments without encountering many things that make God angry. Anger is a legitimate emotion and, He knows we're going to experience that emotion at times, as well. God’s way is always better. He says, be angry and don’t sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath (Eph. 4:26.) He also says, be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (Jas. 1:19). This is anger under the control of the Holy Spirit.
Here are some practical “rules” to consider for the next time you feel the temperature rising:
Lisa and I disagree at times . . . and, why wouldn't we? She chooses to be wrong sometimes! Okay, I’m joking but, we have discussed these things in advance and agreed how we would handle disagreements before they arise. This has greatly helped us in hearing each other and working through those difficult times - that are inevitable - even in the best marriages.
- The “One Issue” Rule. If your spouse comes to you (or you come to him) with an issue you want to discuss (something you want him to change or something that is bugging you) no other issue can be interjected into the conversation. Regardless of who brought up the issue. You deal only with the original issue brought up. Too often we use the mention of something our spouse would like to change as an opportunity to pull out ten examples of what he/she is doing wrong which are all designed to protect our pride and neutralize his/her point.
- The “No Rush” Rule. You don’t need to talk about it now. Wait to bring up “the issue” at a time well after the emotion of the issue has subsided – even a day or . . . ten! You’ll both be more rational and clear-thinking.
- The “I’m in Control of My Emotions” Rule. Tell yourself before going in, “I’m not going to react emotionally to the answer because God has instructed me to give a soft answer, to listen, and to be slow to choose (yes it’s a choice!) anger.”
- The “I’m Honestly Listening to You” Rule. Listen completely to the other person – hear him/her out. Don’t be quick to jump in and over-talk them. You want to be heard, so does your spouse.
- The “God Desires Me to Mature” Rule. Remember that this is what God is doing in you both . . . you might need to change, too.
- The “I Choose to Love You After We Disagree” Rule. We don’t withhold our love from each other just because we disagree on something.
Lisa and I disagree at times . . . and, why wouldn't we? She chooses to be wrong sometimes! Okay, I’m joking but, we have discussed these things in advance and agreed how we would handle disagreements before they arise. This has greatly helped us in hearing each other and working through those difficult times - that are inevitable - even in the best marriages.
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Great rules! Now if I can just remember to use them! ;-)
ReplyDeleteAMEN thank You Matthew!! God Bless you All here!! I love Jesus Christ, because He LOVED me FIRST!!
ReplyDeleteAll My Love, YSIC \o/
Kristi Ann
http://kristiann1.com
I never comment but since this is a Christian site I dared to do so. I'm hoping that someone out there can help me by giving me some good advice or by praying for my husband and I. I've been married for 4 years now. I read this article and thought to myself, "Arguments are hard to recover from." I say that due to my personal situation. My husband doesn't like to EVER argue. He prefers to talk it out. Which is great. But I'm not like him. I have gotten angry at him and have argued with him. Now I wish I waited until I was calm. For him, one angry argument is enough to make him change the way he feels about me. So he says. Well it turns out that, after more than a year later, he hasn't let go of the hurt that I caused him when I argued with him. I told him that I didn't know him well enough yet to know that he would get so upset at me. I haven't argued with him like that since it happened. He says that I keep throwing rocks at him with my words. I wasn't aware of all of this and more because he never told me. But he also says that saying "I'm sorry" is an abused statement. He says he doesn't believe in I'm sorry. I told him that we are starting out. So I will make mistakes and so will he. We need to forgive each other, learn from it and move on. Well...he doesn't see it that way. Just the other day, he threw in my face all of the wrongs that I have done. He hasn't let go of not even one. He's now thinking over how he would like to proceed with our relationship. He's thinking over whether or not to go our separate ways. I had no idea that he felt this way. I thought that our relationship was just fine. I love him with all my heart and would like our relationship to succeed. I took my vows seriously. Does anyone have any suggestions or comments?
ReplyDeleteSincerely, A Heart Broken
One simple bit of advice: Don't try to 'go it alone' -- seek the face-to-face wisdom of a Christian counselor. No one would try to learn to fly an airplane by themselves, yet we try to 'figure out' the second most important relationship of our lives 'on our own!' (the first being God, of course). If your husband won't go - fine, go yourself. Not because you are 'wrong' or 'need fixing' -- but to learn; gain wisdom and build a 'tool box' that you can use the rest of your life. It sounds like he may need to learn how to forgive / let go ... that is his journey and my advice is you need to build up a set of personal 'tools' to deal with him. Best of luck ... my wife did exactly that and I, the husband, eventually figured it out. I thank God every day my wife had the patience to 'hang in there' as I went through my 'journey of learning'. Best of luck!
DeleteAs a Christian Psychologist I would recommend that you see your pastor about these issues. I assume that you attend a church regularly. A good pastor is trained to handle these marital issues. Reconciliation is the goal of all relationships. Bitterness is the cancer of the soul and must be rooted out. God bless. Dan
DeleteAt first your husband was hurt by your remarks to him. But instead of forgiving you he allowed himself to wallow in self pity and became self centered. He is demonstrating a self centered attitude and needs to correct that in himself. He is a package all wrapped up in himself and not having consideration for you. He is certainly not following the pattern of Jesus in the word of God that says, "Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her..." I would suggest you confront him in as nice a way as possible that your behavior may not have been mature but you have tried to change it and that his behavior is unfitting as a Christian (if he is one - but if he's not then let him know his behavior is unfitting for a mature individual. Suggest to him that you both see a Pastoral counselor or marriage counselor to iron these EMOTIONS out or you yourself will see a counselor to get some direction on what to do about your relationship. Solomon said Pro_11:14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
DeletePro_12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.
Pro_15:22 Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.
Pro_19:20 Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.
Pro_19:21 There are many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.
Pro_20:5 Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.
Pro_20:18 Every purpose is established by counsel: and with good advice make war.
Pro_21:30 There is no wisdom nor understanding nor counsel against the LORD.
Pro_24:6 For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counsellors there is safety.
There is some incredible help on this website: Go to www.familylife.com; there are some tools to help heal and create healthier communication. Is your husband a Christian? And are you? If you both are, divorce should not an option. So hang in there and get help. There is a mentor guide with excellent advice on this site; as well as the opportunity to get an on-line mentor that will walk beside you and coach you through this. I will be praying.
DeleteI don't usually do this. I don't "monitor" this site. I've been married (to the same man), more than 40 years, in spite of his PTSD and other health issues from Agent Orange while "vacationing" in Vietnam. So maybe I can offer some insight.
DeleteIf you have no children, DON'T bring any into his life. They will "upset" him irreparably. THEY don't deserve that. Our 2 have lingering problems from my husband's episodes of anger and passive/aggressive words. Your husband's smoldering resent-filled "rock throwing" will do the same to any children you two have.
If you already have children, and are able to live a celibate life for yourself, and devote yourself to them, gracefully leave now. I say this because I do NOT believe in "divorce", but do believe in protecting children.
If you fear for yourself, and your financial future, don't. God will provide. I don't think you should seek a new marriage partner either. But if your husband continues to make your life a constant walking-on-egg-shells, your physical (and emotional) health will suffer greatly.
If he doesn't know how to forgive, maybe he doesn't know that he is forgiven... My e-address is ask4mary@gmail... I'm Catholic. I'll pray for you tomorrow, Sunday, November 3rd. I don't need your name because Our Lord knows you very well.
I am so sorry, I had just wrote a whole thing to share with you about my own experience and then my kindle shut off in the middle of my writing. Well the just of what I originally wrote is that there are some great books out there, a few of which I am reading on these very same things you need. The books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend will help you out so much with boundaries. I am reading their book Boundaries in Marriage right now and it is very helpful for these berg things your struggling with and how to face both your spouse and the things you might see in you that need to change for healing in your marriage. You just will need to know one major thing which I had been trying to write when I got cut off. To cast your cares on the Lord when you are working to fight for your marriage. He will soak up the pain of what you feel and how your spouse might respond when you are trying to heal in your relationship to him! God will be RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE TO FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!! He wants it to work because He loves you both. So keep fighting for it give all those things to Him, let Him get right into the middle of it with you and you will see healing and change! Read some of their other books if you think that one is good because there is so much Godly wisdom in all their works they've put together! I will be praying for you too! !! God be with you through it all till it is finished and healed, He will complete the work He began in both of you!!! God Bless you!
DeleteSeems like he can't moved foreard be ause he is stuck in his past that seems to be filled eith anger and bitterness. He will need to forgive you and all those who have hurt him, forgive himself in order to move foreard. Unforgiveness is of the devil and the devil will keep bringing those things up in our minds to purposely destroy the home. It is a spiritual war. We have to tell the devil that ee choose to obey God and forgive. Tell him out loud and then don't waste your time or your mind space with him, tell him "The Lord rebuke you devil. Get oht of my marriage, you are not welcomed here" And pray for deliverance and freedom in Christ over your marriage, over your husband, declare healing and restoration and a hedge od God's protection around and in your marriage. Thank God for it too. The devil is out to destroy your marriage because he hates anything that represents God, including us, our marriagr, and our marriage. Unknowningly, your husband is allowing the enemy to have authority over the marriage. You, take back that authority over your marriage in Jesus' name. It is not eady. I have lived through what your husband is doung and going through. My husband has stayed to his commitment in our marriage when I wanted to bailout, and many times too! Be bold be strong and do not be afraid. Talk to The LORD and tell HIM all about your trouble then give those troubles to HIM. I will be praying for you two.
DeleteYour husband got upset because you were throwing rocks in his face that you were not even aware you were throwing yet he turns around and does the same thing to you. Your husband needs to also understand that not everyone who says " I'm sorry" is "abusing it "..in other words, some people actually do mean it when they say it. If you are genuine then your husband needs to forgive you for your mistakes, especially after you apologize for them. If he won't forgive you then Jesus cannot forgive him, plain and simple.. If he needs help with bitter feelings and with forgiveness then he needs to ask Jesus to help him. Trust me, I would not have the strength or even the desire to forgive some people without God helping me. Remind your husband he made a vow to love you, and only you, for better or for worse. I am praying for you and your husband. Jesus loves you both very much. Please hang in there.
DeleteI think 2 great teachings that'll help you are Love & Respect. This one well help you better understand what is disrespectful. I can tell by your post that you genuinely wanna fix things and that you don't have an "It's all him" attitude. The other teaching is The Five Languages of Apology. This still help you apologize in a way that he'll accept it as genuine. It's true that he should be committed that you're good-willed and accept your apology. It's true that he should forgive. My desire is that you'd both participate in these teachings but God can change things thru you. If you ever wanna talk please contact me. I'm Lica Straub on Facebook. My email address is Straub_L@Hotmail.com
DeleteI think this post will link to my gmail account. I only have the account because my smart phone made me create one. I don't actively use it but I'll watch for a message there also.
I'll be praying for you.
Lica
Dear A Heart Broken,
DeleteI don't have any major suggestions but I just wanted you to know you are not alone and I will be praying for you and your husband. Stay close to the Lord thru His word & prayer. Beg Him for His help, mercy and strength to do whatever He wants of you. (Philippians 2:13) A good book to read is "Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. I am reading it now myself although in the beginning I didn't think I needed to. One last thing. Your actions will now play a big part since your husband doesn't trust your words. Trust takes time to be rebuilt...lots of time. That's why you need God's strength to be patient among other things. Try to engage in as many fun things together as possible. The fun things you did while dating, if possible. You were probably the best of friends before. Rekindle that through fellowship. Expect a battle on many levels. Satan, personal selfishness etc. I'm sure he's worth fighting for though. God be with you, my sister.
Number 6 is the key. Your realationship first (marriage a close second) is more important than being "right" most of the time. Compromise means you both give a little. Thank you for the words of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully, well put together, and useful tools rich with wisdom...
ReplyDeleteGreat rules..I try..but being having bipolar ruins most of the rules :(
ReplyDeleteHi A Broken Heart,
ReplyDelete2012 was the longest year of my life. My husband and I separated after 11 years of marriage. while going through the separation, I realized that it was because of the wrong kind of communication. I would eventually explode after asking several times for a change in certain areas And of course, he would shut down and I still didn't get my desired result. He on the other hand, would never tell me when he was offended and hoped that it work itself out. Both of these ways of communicating were not the right thing for our marriage. He also didn't really believe in saying I'm sorry.
I realized that I was communicating the way that I had seen all the women in my family do. So I decided to change. First I prayed A LOT. I asked God to help me to be the wife that my husband needs and help him to be the husband that I need. I also read The Five Love Languages and learned to love my husband the way he needed to be loved. I learned to speak his love language. God has also helped me to be more patient. I prayed too, and asked God to touch my husband's heart and show him how to forgive. And you know what? We just celebrated our 13 year anniversary....together!
Our marriage has been restored! Through me first changing my thinking and behavior, he eventually changed. And even will say he's sorry if he has offended my. I now pray before I have to have a difficult conversation with him and I ask God, 1. To help me say the right words. 2. Help him to receive them. 3. Help me control my emotions. This has worked for me.
Know also that change is not going to happen overnight. We consciously do and say things to show our love. Sometimes you have to be the change that you want. Be humble enough to accept your part in how you two got to this point and make up your mind to change you.
Whew that was long! Hope this helps. :-) ~ TAC~
To Anonymous with the broken heart,
ReplyDeleteI am not married but have received much wisdom from church about marriage. One incredible book I read recently is, "Single Men are like Waffles and Single Women are like Spaghetti" by Bill and Pam Farrel. They have many books and one of them the same as this but without the "single" in the title. I received an outstanding amount of insight on how men and women process things differently because we are created differently. And having read it can communicate better with boyfriend because there are times he's just being a 'man' and before I didn't know it and arguments would arise. It's also helpful to know your spouse's love language. From your description, it seems to me that his love language is Words of Encouragement. That is mine. Words don't just hurt people with this love language, it severely cuts them. And with men because they have the mind to fix problems and be a super hero, he might now feel like a failure and like he's not good enough. Another important factor is to know the personalities of people. Not meaning outgoing, patient, generous, funny. That's not what i'm talking about. The church I attend has series on this and he breaks it down into 4 personalities of God and instead of using words that are forgettable he calls it the "DISC" series. Each of us have more D, or S, etc, or mainly 2, or 3, or a little of all 4. Jesus being perfect had all 4 equal. When you know if someone is an organizer and makes lists and has to have things done their way and has to complete every task they wrote down and feels unaccomplished if even one thing wasn't done, and has to play by the rules and have leadership skills, that's a "C" personality. Knowing these things have helped me understand my co-workers, family members, friends, etc. These things I believe are key to communicating to our loved ones and our brothers and sisters in Christ successfully. He also has a marriage series on the sould of the man, the sould of the women, and all other issues. Please check the website and go to recent sermons and find what you can that will help you out. www.libertychurch.org. Your husband too needs to have forgiveness and remember the love verse I stand by even though i'm not married. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Be a light my sister and I will be praying for you.
Dear Broken hearted,
ReplyDeleteMy husband is very similar to yours and over 30 years we have struggled greatly. Several things we have done have helped immensely:
DISC personality profile
pastoral counseling
Boundaries in Marriage
Power of Praying Wife/Husband
Conversation Peace by Mary Kassian
Love & Respect by Eggereichs
5 Love Languages
Commitment to God 100%
involvement in church
YOU get help even if he doesn't or isn't open to it