I’ve totally forgiven him.
I really have. But, I’m just so angry. Why did I have to endure that pain for so many years?
She continued looking me right in the eye, insisting that she had forgiven her husband (who had humbly asked for forgiveness) while recounting his many infractions.
It goes both ways. Husbands may not be as vocal, but years can pass after we've told ourselves and everyone else that we have forgiven, while keeping the situation - whatever it was - as fresh in our minds as the day it happened, even years later.
We’re really good at deceiving ourselves, aren’t we? Sure, we’ve forgiven but, when it comes to remembering grievances, elephants have nothing on husbands and wives. Our memories aren’t just good, they’re more secure than a maximum security prison. If there’s a safe, secure place where grievances will never be lost or tarnished, it’s in the memory prison of a wounded, unforgiving heart where they are kept for instant display.
And, that’s just how Satan likes it – wives and husbands forever keeping in easy reach past grievances that, when brought up yet again, destroy closeness, openness, and joy in marriage.
When we’ve sinned against our spouse we must seek forgiveness – it’s not optional. But neither is it optional to withhold forgiveness when it is sought.
How did holding on to our grievances become more important than walking in fellowship with the person we love? It’s as if we’ve turned our list of grievances into our new best friend.
But those hurts are not your friend. They’re a chain that will keep your spirit bound in the prison of bitterness while securing a barrier between you and your spouse. Are you living this reality, right now?
Just let it go. Release your grasp on those things that “prove” you are right and he/she is wrong. The irony is that you think you “have” these grievances, but the fact is that they have you. Let go. You won’t lose your leverage. You’ll gain your freedom.
Forgiveness is serious business – it’s just not optional for the believer. Jesus said that if you won’t forgive, you won’t be forgiven – Matthew 6:15. This is the very heart of the matter: We need forgiveness, but we can forget this.
Sometimes we've spent so much energy on the wrongs others have done (to us) that we discount the wrongs we, ourselves, have done. When we reflect on our own deep need of God’s mercy, it’s easier to stop standing as the judge over our spouse. And, remember that warning from Matthew? Is the chain of unforgiveness worth the price you will pay?
The call for every husband and wife is to be quick – just as quick as God – to forgive. Genuine forgiveness leaves the past in the past, never referencing it again.
How grateful we should be that God extends that mercy to us. How quick we should be to extend it to our spouse.
Matthew Jacobson has been in the book publishing industry for 22 years and is currently the president of Loyal Arts Literary Agency. For the last 10 years, he's served as a teaching elder in his local Church. Matt and his beautiful bride of 21 years, Lisa, raise their 8 children in the Pacific NW. You can join him at his blog by clicking here:
MatthewLJacobson.com or find Matthew on facebook.
Visit Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here
If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife
Check out my book, The Good Wife's Guide: Embracing Your Role as a Help Meet
MatthewLJacobson.com or find Matthew on facebook.
Visit Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here
If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife
Check out my book, The Good Wife's Guide: Embracing Your Role as a Help Meet
I really needed to read this today. I am currently in a situation where I believe I have forgiven my husband for being emotionally unfaithful to me. I want to move on and begin anew. But since he still works with the other woman, every time he speaks of her I relive the pain. I want to trust him when he tells me he is guarded and has set the boundaries now. But she continues to pursue him. So I can't just forget the hurt, because I am still living it. How do I let it go?
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous, That you would feel vulnerable is perfectly logical and understandable. Lisa would want me to make it crystal-clear to the "other woman" that she is completely wasting her time and is making herself ridiculous. if your husband were in fellowship with me, I would tell him this, directly. If he has to hurt the other woman's feelings to make her stop pursuing, too bad. It must be done. If, however, this is merely a situation where you need to "let it go" then get Jesus involved. Every time (literally every time) a fearful thought enters your head, say, out loud, "I take this thought captive to the Lordship of Jesus Christ." Those fearful thoughts have no right to enter your mind. Take them captive by turning your thoughts to Jesus who has not given us the spirit of fear but of love, of power, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
DeleteI too have been a victim of this. It is my opinion that no amount of money is worth your marriage or the extent that your spouse should be willing to go to assure you of his loyalty. Yes, he most assuredly should be frank, to the point of rudeness if necessary. But he also should look for other employment, immediately. Again, this is just one persons' opinion, but I know all too well the continual pain that comes from betrayal.
DeleteGod Bless and keep you!
There comes a time when you just can't take it and forgive anymore!!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhere there is an unrepentant spouse who will not turn away from his/her sin, then accountability means a break in fellowship but, God will still give the wounded party grace to say "no" to bitterness. I'm praying, right now, that in your place of deep pain, you will rob your enemy, Satan, of his goal and refuse to be another victim of bitterness.
DeleteWhat about the sin that keeps recurring? What am I to do when my spouse does not seek forgiveness? It is immensely painful to forgive when I know it will happen again. It's digs deep, has broken trust at all levels.
ReplyDeleteWe talk "Forgive as Christ forgave you". YES! I full believe and want to live that in all areas, especially in my family. But no one talks about how difficult it is, it's always been: FORGIVE. Period. What about healing? What about rebuilding trust? What if they don't seek forgiveness and don't turn from their sin? What about the gut wrenching pain of trust completely betrayed?
I would love to quickly forgive...oh my how heart yearns for the healing that come with forgiveness. But I had gotten to that point..took a long time, but I got to where I could say "I forgive" and truly meant it. Little did I know, that the act that needed forgiving was still continuing.
Forgiveness is not simple. It's not easy. Only by God's grace is it possible...oh Lord, praise be your Name.
When did Jesus forgive you? Before, or after you repented? If you are to forgive as Christ forgave you, it will follow your spouse's repentance. You can walk in a posture of forgiveness, refusing to enter into bitterness because of the pain caused by someone else's sin but to fully forgive, which means to enter back into open fellowship, true repentance is necessary.
DeleteFor the person who won't repent or seek forgiveness - of course, this person cannot and should not be trusted. No man claiming to be a Christian should be allowed to lead a private life and continue to dishonor Christ, his wife, and himself without consequences. A biblical Church Body would hold such a man to account. I encourage everyone to be involved in a local Church that loves people this much.
Thank you for the response, Matthew. Living in secret hurt is painful and seclusive. Hearing your words have given me some encouragement. Thank you.
DeleteHi Matthew, we've spoken before about "my situation" and continue to struggle with the very issue you've addressed here... things are still very raw for me so perhaps I just need more time to release the pain and anger against my husband. I know that forgiving him won't do anything to change his behavior or his decision to end our 37-year marriage... I know I'd be doing it for me -- and because it's what God expects me to do. I hope to get there eventually...
ReplyDeleteHello Deborah, what you are talking about is supernatural - getting to a place of freedom from the chain of bitterness after having been so wrongly treated. But, God specializes in the supernatural. His grace is sufficient for you - even in your deepest distress. I am praying, right now, you will allow Him to fill you with His grace.
DeleteMatthew, this hit home. Thank you so much for reminding me that we are all in need of true forgiveness. And we need to forget those grievances. I am loving this blog and wanted you to know thatnitnis helping me to be a better wife to my wonderful husband.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing, Deborah. God bless you and your husband as you seek to walk in the oneness we were designed to enjoy.
DeleteIts hard to forgive ur partner when u can't trust him. I try to forget it n not bring it up but its hard if he don't answer or hangs up on me to talk to someone else it just brings that hurt all over again is he doing it again? Who s more important than his wife? I love him n I have kept my vowels n I just feel that he don't apprechate that.
ReplyDeleteI love my husband very much, he works hard, he is my world, but he has said it is easier to "blame" me for things than for him to take responsibility himself. He will not stand up for me with other's who do the same. He says he loves me, but he cares about nothing. We barely speak, he won't get involved in anything anymore, I asked him just last night to do me a favor with someone, he did, but was very upset about because it involved taking up for me. I apologized afterward for asking him to do this and told him I won't do it again, not negatively, just apologized. I pray for him, pray for us, and last night I prayed for specifics. I just don't know what to do or how to do, I know I can't do on my own anymore, as in trying to talk to work on things. We did talk, but he just repeated my words back to me. I have told him I am sorry and asked him to forgive me for the stuff on my part, and told him what those were, he said he did. But you get the picture. I just don't know anymore.
ReplyDeleteHow in the world do I just let it go? It keeps happening. The emotional adultery, over and over again. I love my husband but I don't trust him. God, I don't know how to handle it anymore. I feel as if he has abandoned me but he's still here. I pray all of the time to be a better wife but when does he become a better husband? I am seriously considering leaving my marriage and I feel as if I've just wasted my life with him. We have no children, I'm too old to have kids now. I'm far away from my family. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm a shell of who I was when I married him and I do resent him.
ReplyDeleteMy wife left me while I was n the hospital for 2.5 months this summer, struggling with a serious illness. She had an affair with a friend of ours and when the Dr's got me on the right meds and was well enough to go home. She moved out and filled for separation. She fears I might get sicker and says she can't deal with it again if it happens. I forgave her for the affair but she refuses to reconcile our relationship. My heart is torn apart after 20 years of marriage and she won't even try to save it. I don't know what to think or do anymore I am so lost!
ReplyDeleteI have been marries 13 years and in that time my husband has had emotional affairs and one physical. I have a lot of trust issues because of this and worry a lot. I forgave him for the affairs, but the memories of him with another woman never left. I recently found out that he is having yet another affair. I know the bible says forgive and there is no limit to frogiveness, but how do you forgive a continuing act? How do you heal from the pain? I am filing for divirce and feel like I have failed at not only a wife, but as a mother.
ReplyDeleteI needed this too. My husband left two weeks ago today. I went to family party. He supposedly had to work. He was gone when I came home the next day. He said the list of things he had to forgive me for was too long to deal with. This came on the heels of my bailing him out of jail and draining my savings account and that of my daughter. I keep praying, but I'm hurt and angry and sad. Forgiving him for everything is going to take time, as will the healing. This is what I'm telling myself as I'm crying at my desk and can't work.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can endure me getting on my soapbox. Forgiveness and reconciliation are often confused, and the distinction is really important. Because when we throw the two together, one of two things happen--either we are unwilling to forgive because to do so makes us vulnerable again, or we attempt to restore trust when that may be ill advised. Forgiveness is mandatory for the believer because Christ forgave us, and it is a recognition of the truth that He took this particularly personal sin against us with Him to the Cross. He paid for it. We are not commanded, however, nor is it always advisable, to reconcile with the one who has sinned against us. The Holy Spirit will need to guide us on that score. We are to trust God, but use wisdom about restoring trust with the individual. Another result of this misunderstanding is that we confuse our continuing feelings of hurt or betrayal for proof we have not forgiven the person. Not so. Forgiveness means the debt this person owes us has been paid. We decide by an act of our will to accept that truth, and release them. Our hurt will generally continue to surface and need to be dealt with separately over time. So-- I can forgive definitively today. Restoration and or the healing of the emotional consequences takes place over time. This is a freeing message!
ReplyDeleteMariann, thank you for adding that. So well said!
DeleteI feel like the lord has been talking to me all week on dealing with my past hurt. I reconciled with my husband of 5 years(11 years courtship total) 6 months ago. I knew my husband was having emotional affairs but I later found out he had some physical affairs with one being with his sister in law. It shattered my world but all I could do was forgive him. A new sense of anger rose in me but I remember how many times I have failed God and he has forgiven me. I have decided to relinquish all control to God and walk by faith. I have been struggling with the same issues as others have stated but I remind myself I have made a decision to forgive him and these waves of pain will soon pass. Worrying doesn't do anything but make you act on feelings that later turn into a self proclaiming prophecy. Life and death is in the power of the tongue. We have both accepted Christ and can see God is working. I put my story out there because I too with my worry and unforgiveness kept driving my husband into the arms of another woman. Sometimes when we have been betrayed we always want to put blame on our spouse but justify what I call ungodly thinking and behavior. While the enemy came to kill, steal and destroy, he came so we can live our life in abudance until it overflows. A close relationship with God and applying scripture in my life is restoring my marriage. Even though waves of pain comes I know my God is bigger than any problem. In times like this when we need to grow in faith and not accept what the enemy plans for us. May god touch and intercede all relationships. He made a sacred union between husband and wife. Even though that union is being attacked in this society today I have faith God will see things through. Amen
ReplyDeleteMy husband had an online emotional affair last year. We went through some very hard times and had to do a lot of talking and work but we saved our marriage and I believe it is stronger than ever. I've been able to see things I did/didn't do that did not prevent this affair. No I'm not saying it's my fault he did it. But it takes two to tango. Anyways, this article was well timed as just this past week I began to doubt him again. His stress at work and over money have him in a mood that seemed too close to how he acted last year. I approached him and he assured me we are good and its just stress that has him on guard. It's hard to trust again. I've forgiven him. There are days however when those thoughts from satan creep in my head and mess with me. I don't know how to handle them but now with the prayer you've given I know where to start. It is hard for me as my husband wants me to tell him when things are bothering me but I hate to keep bringing "it" up!! Do I tell him when I'm having a bad day or leave it alone? I'm concerned with the one year date of when he blew our world apart coming up. ... praying everyday.
ReplyDeletemy husband feels as if he can forgive me for a mistake that I truly and deeply regret but doesn't feel like we should stay married. he doesn't feel like the hurt and anger will ever go away, he doesn't feel like we could ever truly be happy again. I love him so much and I pray for our marriage all the time but is there any advice? we have been living separately since april but we have not filed for divorce or anything yet and I keep praying that something changes before it comes to that.
ReplyDeleteI relate to many here. I am deeply saddened that you other women have to go through this pain and betrayal. I feel less...what's the word...less isolated, know that I am not the only one who has these issues in marriage. Marriage issues of this nature are not shared. This anonymous "community" that's developed has helped me feel less isolated.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I luckily do not have this issue with each other. Unfortunately we are having a really hard time forgiving his ex wife. Reason being she keeps doing the same things over and over again. We can forgive the wrongs done against us but how to be forgive the wrongs she is constantly committing against his boys? Any help with that would be much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI too have had to struggle with forgiveness. I know in my heart that I have to and for so long I believed that I had forgiven my husband. Four years ago he just came home from work and handed me his wedding ring and said he wanted out. He told our then 5 year old daughter that it was because I didn't love him. Weeks later I found out that an old love had contacted him and that he was leaving me to be with her. When I confronted him that I knew he denied it. During this time I prayed and prayed for God to help me love him no matter. And I felt comforted within God's love. My husband came to me and said that he was not having an affair but that he wanted to do the honorable thing and just file for divorce and then go forward with his life. I said good bye finally knowing that the real love came from God. Then a while later about a month or so he decides that he will give this marriage a second chance. So I was happy to try. Little at this time did I know that he was still in contact with this women. We started being intimate again. I felt that we were being given a chance to have a better marriage. Within 3 months of him being back he tells me that he has to be honest and said oh we slept together once. Wounded I was still feeling that we could work this out. Then two more months go by and he sits down and tells me he must be completely honest and that they were having an affair and that they we having sex more than just the one time. I left the house immediately and was gone for hours trying to pray and think. I asked him to go to counseling however he never would do to work issues. During the next year or so I found out that he had been keeping in touch with her either through texting on the phone/internet or talking. Honestly I stood by the conviction that I needed to work this out and keep my marriage together. I am still with him but I can't be intimate with him.... my heart can't do it I can 't feel sexual feelings for him cause I don't know or can't know if when he is on the road he is not having sex with someone else. I pray and I pray for God's will. Recently I have just been in a place where it is time to go past this and finally just be on my own and raise my daughter. I honestly don't feel that he came back for the right reasons..... he professed this women he was true love and that she broke it off with him just because she was feeling guilty!!!! So he came back to me..... secondly he doesn't want to pay child support he feels that I should be able to handle all expenses since I do have a well paying job. He won't go to a Christian counselor he doesn't want to hear their mumbo jumbo. When is enough enough. I want to follow God's will for marriage and forgiveness but I just feel I can't even be in the same house. I have been looking for one and he tells me I just wish you would stay here cause where am I gonna go I have no place I won't be able to pay the rent here. Nothing said about lets work this out lets go get help.........
ReplyDeleteMy husband had an affair in 2006 for 6 months, then we reconciled and he went back to her again in 2007 for another 4 months. Both times we accrued nearly $11,000 in we-almost-divorced-legal fees and it was the most painful event I ever went through in my entire life. Years later, our marriage has evolved, matured, and changed. However, the trauma I endured from these affairs still haunts me to this day. There are still nights I have nightmares of them together and I cry hysterically in my sleep. He has to wake me to get me to stop- a look of guilt and frustration across his face. When will the pain just go away!? I have prayed and prayed- I just want to move on! I want the hurt to be gone. He's not going to do it again so why can't I force myself to forgive, forget and stop thinking of all the betrayal. I feel like I'm the "bad guy" now because I can't just stop rehashing what happened in my head- involuntarily even. I don't intentionally seek out events to try and drudge up the past. I will hear a song, or drive past her place of employment and feel my heart begin to race. Just two nights ago I saw her at the hardware store and I felt incredible anger stirring in my chest. I went home, without speaking a word of it to my husband and that night had the most terrible nightmare of the two them. I'm just ready for this all to end. I love him. He works hard to provide for our children and myself. I just want to forgive. Please, just tell me how to forget this and move on already. I feel like a prisoner stuck in a prison I've created but can't escape from.
ReplyDelete