A stranger. A complete stranger.
Who is this man? I wondered.
Where did he come from and what was he doing in my kitchen?
After so many months of blissful marriage, so many laughs and lovely moments, what had come over him?
For the first time I realized I was living with a perfect stranger.
The reality of my situation came when he sauntered into the kitchen announcing that he was flying down to California for his friend’s college graduation.
Just like that. No warning. No discussion. Simply a decision.
What?! No way!! What about ME? What made him think he could...well, up and leave me like that? Was I not his wife, after all?! And I rattled off a multitude of reasons why such a trip was an extremely bad idea.
But he didn’t seem all that interested in hearing my view on the matter. It was quite settled in his mind and my strong objections were irrelevant to his way of thinking.
Maybe it was his dismissive approach to the discussion that set me off, but whatever it was - it threw me into a furious rage. A rage pointed directly and specifically at him.
Now it was his turn to stare at me with incredulity. He looked at me as if I’d completely lost my mind. Where was the sweet bride he had married? And what exactly did I mean that he "couldn't" attend his friend's graduation?!
Back and forth we went and so the quarrel carried on, neither of us willing to give up ground.
I accused. Occasionally shrieked. And I cried.
Yet he remained unmoved.
I hadn’t married a man - I’d married a brick wall.
There we were standing only a few feet apart in our tiny apartment kitchen (where we had spent so many happy hours together!) and I found myself looking into the face of a lover I didn’t even know.
Who was this man I had pledged my life to?
And then....more quietly, with panic.
Oh, Lord, what have I done??
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be! The man I married was to be tender, understanding, and put his wife’s needs first. And what I needed was for him to stay home with me - not attend some old college buddy’s graduation! (You are taking my side in this, aren't you?)
What would my life look like...living with such a man as that?
While I was contemplating our dismal future together, the Stranger abruptly turned away and left the room.
Where was he going? Did this mean he was going to pack his things and leave me?? Was this his answer to our problem? With aching heart I watched him go, yet couldn’t bring myself to call him back.
He remained in our bedroom for an awfully long time. Finally, not able to stand the suspense anymore, I tiptoed over to the door and peeked in.
There was the most beautiful sight of my married life.
He wasn’t packing. No, he was kneeling by our bed – the same one we’d shared since our first wedding night - and pouring out our troubles before the Heavenly Father.
Oh. Now I really wept.
Everything in me melted at that very moment---all my anger, my fear, my willfulness. How could I’ve been so stupid? Why had I been such a stubborn, silly, self-willed girl?
It was a sobering revelation for a new bride. To think that I was willing to defy my husband and the Lord who put us together for the mere sake of getting my own way.
Can you guess why? Well, you're right. It’s because I had more confidence in myself than in him. It’s because I’d rather fight for what I wanted than to give in to another. It’s because I’d rather push him away as a stranger than embrace him as my head.
How about you? Do you ever feel like you’re married to a strange man? Hesitant to place your entire future in his hands? I know (believe me, I know!) how hard it can be to just say, “Okay” and trust him with your heart. But great blessings come to a woman who can get to the place where she is willing to do that very thing – “to submit to your own husband, as to the Lord” (Eph.5:22). And a yielded heart makes you a forever beautiful bride.
So I pray you learn to walk in love with that Perfect Stranger of yours and in confidence in the Lord who joined you together. And would you pray the same for me?
Blessings,
Lisa Jacobson
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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Yes, I will pray that for you. And I've been praying for your mother-in-law too, by the way.
ReplyDeleteLisa, I can't tell you how much I love the article. I need to learn how to write as beautifully as you do. It's amazing!!
This part really got my tears flowing:
"There was the most beautiful sight of my married life.
He wasn’t packing. No, he was kneeling by our bed – the same one we’d shared since our first wedding night - and pouring out our troubles before the Heavenly Father."
Wow, thank you so much for being our guest!
Such a lovely entry! My favorite part was when you said:
ReplyDelete"There was the most beautiful sight of my married life. He wasn’t packing. No, he was kneeling by our bed – the same one we’d shared since our first wedding night - and pouring out our troubles before the Heavenly Father."
I reread it three times. Such a beautiful reminder of what truly matters.
I'm now a follower of your blog, Lisa.
It's a story with a lovely ending, but I have to say that it isn't surprising that one would react that way. My husband would never make a decision like that, going away on a trip, without discussing it with me. And it's not because we're egalitarian. He just wouldn't ever have wanted to travel without me.
ReplyDeleteWonderful reminder. Thank you. Good early Friday morning reading. So...did he go?
ReplyDeleteI was wondering the same thing! Do you remember if he went, Lisa?
DeleteYes, he did end up going! And with my blessing. After I quieted my spirit, I was able to share that it was out of FEAR that I objected to his going and he lovingly reassured me that his heart would ALWAYS be with me, even when away on a trip. I felt much, much better after hearing that!
DeleteOK, here is my view of this situation as a 63-year-old grandmother. The Christian wife should not deal with her husband in an angry manner. However, this young wife ended up taking all the blame onto herself, which does not seem appropriate based on the details given in the article. The young husband caused the problem in the first place by suddenly announcing his plans without any prior discussion between them. The blame rests squarely with him for being insensitive and also for not explaining why he wished to travel without her. She is responsible only for her angry response. She did not "defy" her husband. She expressed hurt. Sorry, but I see him as totally at fault in creating an unncessary problem in the first place. All she needs to work on is not responding angrily. Everything else she felt was valid.
ReplyDeleteI get what you're saying, and he was more than likely in the wrong, and like most new husbands (and old wives like me) still growing in maturity. But I see how Lisa is saying that being stubborn and self-willed wasn't the proper way to handle her problems. Right or wrong, she should have been kneeling in prayer instead of stomping her feet. The bottom line is that it's more important to seek unity than determine who's at fault.
DeleteThanks for your wisdom.
It is certainly true that wives can only correct their own responses, and must submit regardless of how hard it is. But one thing we can do it not create a picture whereby we disparage Christian marriage by forgetting that we are able to say, "Yes, my husband was wrong in this." To outsiders this story sounds oppressive. Our testimony is crucial. Furthermore, we can certainly train our young men to be the kind of husband who would not behave selfishly as the husband in this story did. Understanding how to be marriage includes more than just knowing the "submission" verses, it means having a deep, theological understanding of what God says about marriage in His word. Let's make sure we don't sound like Oprah with a few bible verses tossed in there for good measure.
DeleteThe idea that I glean from this is that it wasn't important to be "right," or to be "wrong." We are called to walk in humility esteeming others higher than ourselves, so there has to be a place we come to where we say it's more important to strengthen my marriage than it is to say, "My husband is wrong."
DeleteThe difference--big difference (and I can't stress this enough) between this way of thinking and that of Oprah and her gurus is that I believe that marriage is a reflection of the covenant between Jesus Christ and His church. He must be in the equation. Without Him there is no reason to submit to our husbands. The Bible says that we are to submit to our husbands in everything. Whether we think they are right or wrong isn't relevant, unless it undermines the commandments of God.
Strip all of the scripture away from this story and you are left with a woman who is humbly choosing to follow the Lord's will for her life and her husband's response which was to take it to prayer. That's incredible.
We are to take an example from Jesus who walked in humility. Even after he was crucified His words were, "Lord forgive them for they know not what they do." He was in the perfect position to blame and judge, but he didn't.
Finally I have to add this, because I don't see it anywhere in the comments. While we think that the husband was being selfish in this scenario, we don't really know where his heart was at and what was driving his assumption. It could be a number of factors that we aren't aware of.
This just brought me tears because I'm newly married and feeling this way right now. I feel like my husband has checked out of our marriage and we have only been married 5 months today. I see him distracting himself from me with electronics and barely even talking to me, he now says things that don't make sense to me and is extremely defensive even if it's something as simple as "Is there gas in the car?" I've been praying and I even brought his behavior up and he just ignored and dismissed me. This person I don't know, it's scary and it hurts. He was always loving and attentive and now I just don't get it. This really gave me hope that God can change things around. Thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteI can imagine that there are a lot of young husbands who are distracted by electronics. It's such a part of our present day, and can certainly become a wedge in a marriage.
DeleteThe Bible encourages wives to win their husbands over with their behavior saying that they may be won without a word. I guess the point to me has always been that our behavior goes a lot further than nagging ever will. And it goes without saying, so does the power of prayer!
I'm praying for you as you walk through this difficult time. Thanks for chiming in!
Thanks! Wow! What a great article...I was blessed and inspired by it. Thank you for your ministry.
ReplyDeleteA young Friend
I agree with some of the other comments. BOTH of the parties here have some things to work on improving. Why is he suddenly announcing a trip, with no input or a request to accompany him? Why is she reacting so very angrily to the idea that he go visit a friend?
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I'm blessed in that my husband would never make such plans with no discussion. However, I love this overall, and it's a reminder that we don't know what's going on in someone else's mind and we shouldn't assume the worst. (as in when she thinks he's thinking/doing something bad when he's praying). Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWow great article! It seems as thought some people here are so defensive of themselves as wives, who have, perhaps not submitted to their husbands leadership and so are angry at the truth in this article. Thanks so much for sharing!
ReplyDeleteDef. made me tear up. Beautifully put article. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI have experienced this scenario several times in my 5 years of marriage. But what do you do when, instead of praying and seeking God's will, the man you married - that stranger - has decided to walk away from God and now refuses to seek Him. How do you trust him then?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about the "trust" part, sometimes we can respect and forgive people, but trust isn't always there. But as for the rest of the question, I'd love to weigh in. I think that when a spouse walks away from the Lord we are left frustrated, but we aren't left helpless. There are two things we can do:
Delete1. We can pray for them daily. We don't have the power to change a person, but God does. So it's important that we never give up that hope. Pray without ceasing for this is the will of God.
2. This verse speaks volumes: In a similar way, you wives must submit yourselves to your husbands so that, even if some of them refuse to obey the word, they may be won over without a word through your conduct as wives. 1 Peter 3:1.
Although I wouldn't admit it at the time I walked away from my commitment to the Lord, big time. It was the behavior of my husband that reminded me of what an amazing God we serve. Love goes a long way in softening a heart and drawing them to the Lord.
Ladies, if you are reading this comment, will you band together with me in praying for these husbands? There are a lot of women struggling with this issue, and the bottom line is that we aren't riding in battle alone. We have an army of Christians by our side that's led by the King of all Kings. We are more than conquerors. Amen?!!
Amen! I'll join in praying for these husbands and their faithful wives. We've seen the Lord "move mountains" (and husbands) in the most amazing ways.
DeleteWhat a beautiful article regarding trust in Him, Bibical submission, anger and management of anger in healthy ways, etc. I look forward to reading your series that you have planned. Thanks for the honesty and openness! Sometimes the personalness is hard to share....however, that is what actually makes things more real and "approachable." Blessings,
ReplyDeleteErin