Drawn from my archives
I often write about biblical submission, and by the tone of your feedback, I can’t help but notice that most of your husbands are attentive, sensitive and kind men like mine. Praise God!
But at the same time I understand what a sacrifice and struggle it is for women who are living with men that ignore them, disrespect them, and show little care for them. I've experienced it first hand and I've seen it taking place in other marriages.
I remember going for dinner at a friend’s house one evening. We were sitting around the table having tea while she finished preparing the meal. I suppose that some cheese or a little grease dripped onto an element—whatever happened was enough to set off both the smoke alarm and her husband’s temper.
Standing on a chair trying to remove the batteries he held back nothing to convey his frustration. “What kind of a cook are you?!” was one of a few insults he threw her way that evening.
And while he grumbled and complained, I couldn't help but feel the heat that rose in her cheeks and sense the pounding of her tender heart at she struggled to hold back the tears.
Before I go any further I want to point out that the purpose of this post is to address the issue of an unkind husband--not one that is habitually abusive. I want to be sensitive to the difference between someone being abused and husbands that are unkind and uncaring. It is not my intention to minimize the serious issue of physical or mental abuse, and as I've pointed out in a previous posts, if you are in danger seek help.
What I'm talking about here are grumpy, arrogant, selfish and distant husbands. I’m also talking about those husbands who are wonderful for the most part, but have their moments that drive us insane.
What hope do we have? And how does scripture address this issue?
Wisdom can be gleaned from Peter who provides instruction for Christians in their relationships with both unsaved and difficult people.
Live such good lives among the pagans [non-Christians] that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.
~ 1 Peter 2:12, NIV
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.
~ 1 Peter 3:1, NIV
Whether it’s in our home or our workplace, Peter addresses this very issue saying that it is commendable when we bear suffering for the sake of our faith. Why? Because true love is not only patient and kind, it doesn't get angry when others do it wrong. It bears all things, always hopes and always perseveres (paraphrased from 1 Corinthians 13).
When we love, the way God loves, we walk by the Spirit in obedience to our faith. That obedience is a gift that we offer our Lord.
For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. ~ 1 Peter 2:19, NIV
God's love took Him to the cross. Where does your love take you?
You are loved by an almighty God,
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Part of submitting to an unkind husband is also doing kind things for Him. Even though we were sinners, God kindly extended His grace to us. That is our model. Christ did not revile against his oppressors. One way to help a young wife deal with this is for her to actively do kind things for him, anyway. And there is also nothing wrong with a wife addressing unkindness such as what you described. She ought to do it patiently and kindly, but the actions described in this case sound like the husband was rude, (and love is not rude), and childish. I would punish my child for such discourse.
ReplyDeleteKim, doing kind things for people goes such a long way. It has a way of piercing the hardest of hearts. Thanks for that!
DeleteA grandmother's perspective: Yes, Christian wives are to be submissive and kind to husbands who do not always treat them with the same degree of kindness. However, that is not the whole story. Unkindness, cutting remarks, etc., are verbal and emotional abuse and are damaging to the heart and mind. The Bible does not require a wife to suffer such abuse in silence, whether it is ongoing or occasional. Each and every time it occurs, the wife must address it, or else she is doomed to live her entire life that way. She should not address it in front of others, but should make a point of discussing it privately with her husband as soon as possible. Take him aside and tell him calmly and patiently that his behavior was deeply wounding and that you consider it a form of abuse... because it is. If the man is a Christian, then his verbal abusiveness must be dealt with, perhaps by the church if he will not listen to his wife's loving pleas to amend his behavior. But if he is not a Christan, one must ask why a Christian woman married a nonbeliever in the first place. Scripture warns against such a marriage. But if a woman finds herself in that position, she still must lovingly "confront" the verbally abusive behavior each time it occurs. Time and time again, she must patiently tell him how wounding his words have been. If she does this faithfully, the man would have to be a real dummy not to catch on. If she is loving about it, if she tells him how wonderful he is otherwise, if she treats him like a king at all times, a normal man will respond to her pleas. The key is loving persistence...don't let him get by with the behavior...address it every, single time. But be sure to back that up with constant prayer that God will change your husband. I say all this because I am personally familiar with a couple of husbands in my own family who themselves grew up in an atmosphere where it was permissible to be sullen, crabby, and even downright hateful and disrespectful. If that is the case with your husband, you must show him that there is a better way.
ReplyDeleteI love how you said, "Time and time again, she must patiently tell him how wounding his words have been. If she does this faithfully, the man would have to be a real dummy not to catch on." That's so important and should be addressed. Communication, is so important. Without it we might build walls of resentment.
DeleteThanks for your thoughts!
I agree...silently suffering at his unkindness and even "rewarding" it in return by being sugar sweet to him and affectionate in the bedroom, and even taking blame where none was to be had turned me into a broken, martyred doormat and hubby into a chauvanistic, emotionally abusive jerk. I eventually learned that I could stand up for myself....and a couple of times I had to in front of other people. It was a hard pill for him to swallow and my intent was never to beat him down or show him up, but to lay boundaries that I will NOT be treated in such a manner! Of course, I coupled it with prayer, love and respect and I picked my battles. Now, all I have to do is look at him in that, "did you just say that" way and he understands that he crossed a line and apologizes. It is ok to stand up for yourself! It is more disrespecting to let him rail on in sin.
DeleteUnkindness, cutting remarks, etc., are verbal and emotional abuse and are damaging to the heart and mind.
DeleteThank you... thank you for bringing some wisdom to this thread. I know people who have fallen into depression, who live hollowed out and broken, full of resentment and regret, by other people's unrelenting verbal and emotional unkindness and cruelty.
I agree...silently suffering at his unkindness and even "rewarding" it in return by being sugar sweet to him and affectionate in the bedroom, and even taking blame where none was to be had turned me into a broken, martyred doormat and hubby into a chauvanistic, emotionally abusive jerk. I eventually learned that I could stand up for myself...
Thank you also for bringing wisdom to this thread. It's amazing to me how a post about unkind husbands doesn't address the issue of their unkindness, except to hold out the hope that they will change on their own by witnessing your behavior, when in fact they might perceive your behavior as rewarding their unkindness repeatedly.
There's no suggestion in the post of talking to them. There's no expectation that it ought to be important for an unkind husband to work on himself too and learn to be kind to his wife. What on earth happened to reciprocality in a relationship? Mutual love? Mutual respect and caring? The advice, as written in the post, in most cases enables continued unkindness. The author writes from the privileged position of someone who's married to a basically decent person, who aside from some imperfect moments or times is basically kind and attentive, so maybe she has little conception of what it's like to live with continual unkindness.
Communication, is so important. Without it we might build walls of resentment.
Then why didn't you say this in your post? The post comes across as basically encouraging wives to silently swallow down pain and anger, day in and day out... do you have any conception of how damaging this can be in the long-term?
Esther, that's where you have judged me very wrong. The author of this post is me. I do not write from a position of someone who is "married to a basically decent person, who aside from some imperfect moments or times is basically kind and attentive, so maybe she has little conception of what it's like to live with continual unkindness." You have hopped onto one post of my blog, threw out some comments and made judgement calls about me that couldn't be farther from the truth.
DeleteI was married to a man for three year who was physically and emotionally abusive. I've not only been spit on in public, but I've had him clear his nostrils and throat first. I was shot down on our wedding night by being told that he was so disappointed when I walked down the isle because he was expecting a beautiful bride. I've had my head held down to the floor and told to lick it clean. I was held captive against my will. And the list goes on...
I've been there, I know exactly what it feels like to be abused.
If you read the post above, you will see that I put in bold letters, "the purpose of this post is to address the issue of an unkind husband--not one that is habitually abusive." We are discussing unkind husbands in this post.
Darlene, I'm sorry that you had to go through that, and I'm sorry for making the incorrect assumption about you. In fact, I went and found the post where you discussed what you went through with your ex-husband in an interview.
DeleteWhat still astonishes me though is what little distinction you make between a spouse who's 'unkind' and one who is 'abusive'. Habitual unkindness - depending on the frequency and severity - can indeed amount to verbal and emotional abuse. In your interview about your domestic abuse, you spoke about how you didn't think of it as abuse at the time, even though you were being treated very unkindly. You kept trying to please him, though nothing worked... in other words it took you a while to realize that what was happening to you is abusive.
Do you not realize that other women could come to this post also not knowing that they're abused? Like you did, they could think that because their husbands aren't beating them up or leaving bruises on them, then it's only words. And if they're suffering and depressed and suicidal or beaten down by being repeatedly and habitually belittled, humiliated, dismissed, etc. then they might simply take your advice at face value - to keep trying to please, to keep trying to bear with it... exactly what you did in your first marriage. And in your own words, it almost killed you. You just had to get out.
Further down on the thread one woman I responded to spoke about how her husband constantly puts her down and sees only her failures... and yet, your advice to her was basically to bear up with it and have faith that it will change (without knowing anything about the severity of her situation - and while knowing fully that she spiraled down in her behaviors for a while because of it - you still told her that). Other commenters (including one who mentioned that she calls out her own husband when he "crosses a line") hypocritically told her that it doesn't matter what her husband thinks of her. Would it have been helpful to you to hear such things during your first marriage?
Habitual unkindness from a husband (or a wife) can tremendously hurt a person over time. So that's why it still amazes me that you wrote this post as you did, without giving women who are suffering (mentally, emotionally, etc.) any kind of framework for what abusiveness is. In your first marriage you didn't stay there for decades hoping that one day your man would "see the light." And yet some readers who don't know what abuse is could be getting that same advice from your post. Also, the fact that you didn't mention the very simple advice of having a wife talk to a husband about what hurts her, even if it's in private or on occasions when the hurt is great, also amazed me - you brought it out in response to someone in the comments, but not in the main post, when in fact talking is key, and not swallowing down pain all the time.
I am so glad you opened up the comments section as I would never consider posting this with my facebook account. I have been reading your posts for quite a while and you have been a great encouragement.
ReplyDeleteI know that many would not agree with what I am about to write, but we must judge ourselves according to God's word and not any man's standard.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years and I suppose I have the kind of husband that most would consider verbally abusive. He tells me to shut up when he's irritated, and sometimes curses at me and sometimes makes a bit of a scene in public. I struggled for many years as I knew that is not the way wives were meant to be treated. We went through a deep crisis time and through it God changed me into a more obedient and reverent woman, but my husband still did not change.
It has been hard to love him, but as I recall from 1 Corinthians 13 what love really is, I have tried (though very imperfectly) to love him.
As I have reflected on all this, the Lord showed me some things I want to share. First, most of us would would say that if someone put a gun to our heads and told us to deny Jesus or they would pull the trigger, we would respond, "I will never deny Jesus. Pull the trigger." We are willing to die for Him in an instant, but are we willing to sacrificially die for Him in the long term by dying to ourselves and serving a master who is harsh (1 Pet. 2:18)? Do we think that word only applies to slaves and masters? In 1 Pet. 3:1 it says "LIKEWISE ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands..." The passage about slaves and masters and submitting to authorities is RIGHT BEFORE the passage in 1 Pet. 3. He wants wives to have THAT same attitude. Did he not commend Sarah for calling Abraham her 'master' in 1 Pet 3:6? The greek words in 1 Pet 2:18 and 1 Pet 3:6 are different, but if you look them up in Strong's Concordance, they both mean lord, master.
We are willing to travel to foreign countries and serve as missionaries and risk being tortured and executed, but we have people in our own homes who are unsaved and need the Lord as much as people in foreign countries. We need not travel far to reach the unsaved and lay down our lives for Him.
Malachi tells us God hates divorce. God doesn't only hate divorce in certain cases. He always hates divorce. And why? He goes on to tell us because he desires Godly offspring. I can truly attest that my children are much Godlier, even in this imperfect marriage, than if my husband and I had separated long ago. They are not perfect and are aware of their father's faults, but they really respect him and try to walk in obedience to the Lord.
While my husband does have a short temper, he has some amazing attributes as well. He is the most amazing father to our children I have ever seen. And it's not just my observation, other people have noted that as well. I attribute that as part of the reason my children love the Lord.
My husband has not yet changed, but I see glimpses of the Lord working on his heart. Yes, it has been many years, and I know I may never see him change, but I will try everything in my power (God willing!) to see that I don't stand in his way, but rather encourage him to have a close walk with God. Just the other day I was laying in bed watching him sleep, and I had a glimpse of him not truly surrendering his life to the Lord and being separated from God for eternity and being tortured by the fire of hell for eternity. It really renewed by resolve.
As I said, I see glimpses of change. Just this morning he walked over to me and kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for being faithful to him. When I asked him what he meant he said he knows many wives would leave their husbands during difficult times (we are going through major financial stuff) and he appreciated my faithfulness. He has said that other times as well and even admitted that he knows he is a very difficult person to live with.
Thank you Lord for little (big!) victories!!!
Wow, that's an incredible testimony. THANK YOU for sharing that!!
DeleteI've pinned this! Thanks for sharing this today.
ReplyDeleteFalen
www.upwardnotinward.com
Thanks, Falen! I'll go check out your blog too!
DeleteHi, I just want to add that there is nothing wrong (in my opinion) with a wife being angry at a husband who is unkind - I believe that this is godly also, and part of my calling to help my husband grow into the man God wants him to be too!
ReplyDeleteMy husband, while very loving and sensitive, definitely has moments where he is harsh and impatient (he's a human, right?! :-D)....most of the time I can overlook this and I try to make sure that our lives run smoothly so that he is spared those situations that can cause him that kind of unhappiness. But when I feel particularly hurt or unfairly targeted, I MUST (as my duty as a woman, mother, and wife helping her husband be his best), make sure he knows that he has crossed a line with me, and needs to make amends. I do this as fairly and quietly as I can, and thankfully my husband genuinely cares when he notices that I am withholding myself from him (not speaking, not touching his hand or back, etc). Sometimes it takes a little while for him to understand, but I make sure to let him know that he has gone too far, and I need him to care that I am hurt and be sorry. I NEVER yell at him, or belittle him or insult him....that would get me the opposite of what I need! But if I didn't stand up for myself when it is really necessary, he would always be rolling over me like a bulldozer!
I believe, with the best intentions and an abundance of LOVE, that I am helping my husband be the best man that he should be, and doing God's work in my home, by making sure he treats me with the love and respect that I deserve! :-)
Great thoughts, Lisa! I'm reminded of this verse, "Be angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:" Eph. 4:26. It's so good to share your thoughts and get things resolved as quickly as possible. It sounds like you handle your anger with patience and wisdom. So good!
DeleteThis is exactly what I've been dealing with the past couple of days {a mostly wonderful husband having a rough patch}. Thanks for a great reminder. I'll try my hardest! :)
ReplyDeleteRough patches are tough. And we all have them. I pray that God strengthens you with patience and wisdom during this time!
DeleteThank you for stopping by my blog earlier. I found yours and have really enjoyed it! I'm not married yet but have a huge passion for learning the lessons that i can now. I want to be "found a wife". I've found that passage in Peter to be very helpful in the workplace as well :). "God's love took Him to the cross. Where does your love take you?" so good! thank you!
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts for the workplace. I like that!! Hoping to head back to your blogs again later today to have a closer look. Thanks for stopping in!
DeleteHi Darlene,
ReplyDeleteI am wondering something though, what about the situation between Abigail and Nabal? Nabal responded to David that he would not feed David's men. David responded that he would harm Nabal and the rest of the males in the household. Abigail knew of the situation through a servant. Brought to David provisions without her husband's knowledge, and then spoke the truth calling Nabal a fool for that is what his name means. But, that could be taken as disrespectful, and unsubmissive to her husband. I have heard different things throughout the years as far as what submission to our husband should look like. I agree, but where do we draw the line between what is considered as unkind and what is considered abusive? I know Nabal was evil in all of his doings and was from the line of Caleb. Caleb was a Hebrew. Could you lend me some clarity?
Blessings, Joanne
I found the story of Abigail and Nabal to be such an incredible lesson of wisdom in action. When we are submissive to our husbands we have to always ensure that we are first and foremost submissive to God. David was a man that was anointed by God, and he was also the next in line to be King. We aren't just talking about a pastor here or a Christian man, he was anointed by God and part of the lineage of Jesus Christ. You can find the article in full here:
Deletehttp://time-warp-wife.blogspot.ca/2012/08/unlike-his-wife-this-guy-was-rude.html
Also in Acts 5:29, "Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men." So here we see an example of the chain of command again. We are to obey the law, but when it goes against the commandments of God we are to obey Him.
I hope that helps!
I found this particularly interesting today because my post is on husband bashing, lol! Seems like a good fit!
DeleteI love what you said here "When we love, the way God loves, we walk by the Spirit in obedience to our faith. That obedience is a gift that we offer our Lord."
I don't hear you saying submit to abuse, you were very clear about that.
But what I hear you saying is to remember that any hurt or pain a wife feels when she has been wrongly sinned against, is something that the Lord cares very deeply about.
And you have given her hope to keep on loving and giving (again we're not talking about accepting abuse) knowing that her love will have an impact on her spouse. Because it's GOD'S love through her, and God's love *always* has an impact.
It's not the action that changes a person, it's God's love coming through the action that reaches their heart.
My dad was not abusive, but he did have a quick temper. Over the years I saw God's love reaching through my dad and gentling him. By the time I was a teenager he had totally changed into a much kinder, calmer person.
By the time he became a grandpa you seriously wouldn't have recognized him, lol! The harsh man that I knew had been tamed by God's love flowing through my mom. My kids never saw his anger and find my childhood hard to believe, lol! I never saw that quick temper after I became a teenager. He had so much more patience.
Well, I am writing a book and this is your blog so I will end it, lol! Have a great day!
Oh, no, don't stop. You're so encouraging! :D
DeleteI love this... It's not the action that changes a person, it's God's love coming through the action that reaches their heart.
Amen!!
Thank you so much for this! I have a very kind and loving husband, but sometimes I still struggle to love him at times. This gave me a good reminder.
ReplyDeleteAs a new wife (I've only been married 9 months) I get extremely frustrated when my husband says things that are hurtful or when he ignores me. But I always say it doesn't matter how he behaves: God chose me to be his wife and it isn't up to me to decide when to be a "good" wife. I must always be the kind of wife He intended me to be, even when its hard, when I'm mad, and especially when I feel he doesn't deserve it. My journey as a Christian wife is brand new but I have learned more about myself and the word in these 9 months than I had learned in 27 years! Your blog is so uplifting and inspiring...thanks for addressing this topic :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! I really needed to read this today. My husband of four years is unhappy with his job and stressed out about having a second child in April-- which is very much a surprise. He's had a very short temper and lack of patience lately and things have not gone as smoothly at home (as far as cooking and cleaning) because I've not felt well because of the pregnancy. Thanks for reminding me to show kindness even when I don't feel like it!
ReplyDeleteI definitely know how this feels, and it can be so tiring and discouraging! :-( I will pray for you, but maybe it will help give you some perspective to remember that "this too shall pass"....and it's ok that neither of you are at your best right now, but it would be so good for your marriage if you could find a way to cling to eachother in this difficult time. Men are so different than women, they are action-oriented, while women are more emotion-oriented -- this is why men need us! I wonder if you responded to his difficult attitude with your heart, maybe his worries and frustrations wouldn't seem as big to him....?
DeleteTake care!! :-)
Thanks for that wise encouragement, Lisa! I ditto what you said.
DeleteI have been with my husband for 24 years, he has become so hateful and selfish all he cares about is himself and how he feels, he is not loving or caring and all he does is say hurtful things to me and put me down, and blames everything on Me and takes no blame for anything because he says he never does anything wrong I have been going to a Christian church and trying to deal with this but I don't know how, I'm tired if getting treated like this, I don't know how much more I can take.
DeleteThis is well timed, was looking for something like this, though it doesn't answer my need fully. My husband isn't purposely unkind or unloving towards me, he is just bitter and hateful towards the rest of the world, sounds exaggerated but it's not. He has a mental illness which has turned him into a man I don't like, I still love him very much and want to honour him but can near the man he is most days. I need biblical guidance, because I know that most people including my counsellor tell me if I don't like him and am unhappy I should leave. I know this is not what God wants me to do, it's not what I want but gee it's hard sometimes
ReplyDeleteThat's a tough situation, and I'm sure that it doesn't help when your counselor isn't on the same page. If you ever need to speak to someone, there is the Focus on the Family Help line. (800) A-FAMILY (232-6459). Perhaps they can direct you on a different path.
DeleteIn the meantime, I applaud your willingness to follow God's leading for your life. And to love your man through sickness and health.
If I could chime in...Always measure the things ANYONE says against God's word. So many people are willing to put their trust in counselors- even professional Christian counselors. Not trying to step on any toes, here, but it's interesting that God commands older women to train younger women (Titus 2). He doesn't say the prerequisite is a professional counseling degree, but rather their age and experience (and of course Godliness is implied).
DeleteI have met several women throughout the years that decided to leave their husbands AFTER they began seeing a Christian counselor and the counselor told them they should leave their husbands. None of these women were in a dangerous physically abusive relationship, but were going through things similar to what several of us have described (I'm the commentor above who has been married for 21 years).
Receiving counsel from someone who tears down your marriage really dampens your resolve. Surround yourself with women who will encourage you to love and bear patiently with your husband through his illness. I love ecclesiastes 4:10 "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" You may be the only chance your husband has to really know the Lord. 1 Cor 7:14a "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife..."
I can totally relate to what you are going thru. my husband does not have any mental illness but is a very angry and bitter person. It is very hard to like someone like this much less to be loving towards.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. It encourages me to know that I am not alone in struggling with an unkind husband. I have been battling for the last few years to come back from a period of my life when I was just not able to cope with every day life. To put food on the table was like a major hurdle. I also got into bad habits like watching too much tv overeating etc. It took me sometime to realise I was becoming the words spoken over me by my husband. I could never do anything right so I gave up trying. Till God opened my eyes as to why I was behaving that way. By the grace of God I am progressing but my husband does not recognise it and constantly reminds me of my failures. Talking to him about how he hurts me is not an option. But I am freshly challenged to keep loving him the way Christ loves us.
ReplyDeleteOh, bless you as you try to overcome your difficult feelings! I will pray for you!! It must be SO hard when you don't have loving support from your husband, but remember - you don't NEED that to succeed!! You have God! :-D He is there, ready to listen and lift you up whenever you reach out to Him! Maybe it would help you to think of God as the one you are trying to please and change for (as well as yourself). And it might help to realize that you are in the middle of your journey, and only God can see the end of it -- it could be that what you are going through is God's plan to teach you and your husband something important. And please DO NOT forget that God created you, and He sees what a wonderful, beautiful person you are -- it doesn't matter if your husband can only remember your "failures", God sees so much more than that about you!
DeleteDO NOT feel badly about having such a hard time coping -- many of us have been there, and it's REAL and deserving of support and understanding. Good for you that you are battling back! That takes a strong and brave person, and I really admire you for it!! :-)
Maybe if you get to a place where you are happy with God and with yourself, your joy will work on the heart of your husband, and he will realize HE needs to change too!
Beautiful. Continue to persevere and when you serve your husband, serve him knowing that you're serving the Lord and not a man.
DeleteI agree with the others in saying that you are doing a beautiful job! Love how you said, "But I am freshly challenged to keep loving him the way Christ loves us." What an example of faith that is. You're living 1 Peter 3:1, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives."
DeleteYour comment brought tears to my eyes. You are a strong woman. You also write something here that the other commenters and the blog author has ignored:
DeleteTalking to him about how he hurts me is not an option.
Why is it not an option? Though the blog author omits this from her post, she responded to an earlier comment by saying that "communication is important." I wonder why she didn't repeat the sentiment here. You are not meant to be mute. You are a human, you have a voice, you have a mind and a heart. There are people who cannot learn by silent example. They must be told, in word and action, what is right. And that might include your husband. He might not be the sort of person who learns how to love by seeing how you love him. He might not even recognize it as love. I don't know enough about your situation to call him abusive, but please keep in mind that not all abuse is physical. If you tell someone all the time that they're a failure, you're abusing their soul/mind/heart, and while it's admirable for you to want to save him, he needs to be concerned about your spiritual welfare as well. If he's not, you must get help for it or at least speak to him. He must get help too.
Don't feel as if to be a good and devout person you need to subject yourself silently to harsh treatment. Keep working on yourself as you've been doing - you're strong, I can see it in your words - but make sure there's a more active direct intervention with your husband, or else he might not learn, and he might go through life thinking that it's ok to treat his wife, whom he's obligated to love and cherish, with contempt... in this way he doesn't grow spiritually. He stagnates, he sins, and everyone who is silent and who tells you to always take it silently, unintentionally encourages his sin and his self-destruction.
@ Lisa Diane, who wrote it doesn't matter if your husband can only remember your "failures"
Of course it matters. Please stop white-washing what this woman is going through. Her husband, who ought to love and cherish her, treats her as if she has no worth (and seems to have always treated her that way, given her comment, which is what caused her to temporarily give up and spiral into self-neglectful behavior), and the most you can do is spout platitudes about how "you've all been there..." Have you no idea what it's like to live with someone who hurts you like that all the time? Do you have no idea that by encouraging women in these situations to keep swallowing the pain, burying it, never saying a word, you are fostering resentment and self-destruction and abuse of the soul? Of course how they're treated matters... and emotional and verbal abuse can damage and even kill, sometimes in ways worse than physical abuse.
Read the comment from Anonymous further up in the post: silently suffering at his unkindness and even "rewarding" it in return by being sugar sweet to him and affectionate in the bedroom, and even taking blame where none was to be had turned me into a broken, martyred doormat and hubby into a chauvanistic, emotionally abusive jerk.
This happens quite frequently in such situations. Stop enabling it.
Thank you for your encouraging and wise post today - it is God-sent and so very empowering. I felt the occasional 'yes but' moment whilst reading but yours and your readers' comments put things into practical application that really spoke to me. I do have God covering our marriage and our children and because of that I can persevere! Some days, weeks and months are such a struggle and I have to protect my heart from being battered and bruised, but then when all is 'good' we are awesome together. I needed the reminder of the privilege it is to be used by God as my husband's witness and experience of God's love each day. What a blessing.
ReplyDeleteI too feel that the readers comments--like yours--help me put things into perspective. I write this blog, but the comments always seem to add another layer of wisdom. They bring encouragement to me and the readers and fill in the spaces I miss. It's the beauty of the body of Christ working together.
DeleteThank you so much for sharing your heart and encouraging us!
I'm thankful God lead me to this article. I am dealing with a very unkind husband and the unkindness is so timely I sometimes wonder if its deliberate; like being ignored for birthdays and Mother's days. However, days that have no meaning I would get flowers or something nice. I made a fondamental mistake of marrying an ungodly man that I regret daily, because of my own issues. Furthermore, when I try to show consistency and kindness (certainly not as a reward to unkindness) because it is pleasing with God, I am met with hostility and being ignored during those times of unkindness. I understand God's word clearly that it is thankworthy but it is really hard to live in such a situation and not feel like a doormat or being taken for granted. It is hard to communicate your feelings to someone who is consistent in trying to hurt you.
ReplyDeleteAfter 2 and a half years of marriage, I am no longer sure if his attitude is deliberate or just mistakes. I am really disgusted. The only reason I am still in this marriage is to try to obey God and provide a father for my son. All my reasoning tells me to leave.
I could've wrote the above post. I too felt God led me to this blog. I was a 'hypocritical Christian' (professed with lips, denied in works) when I met my husband. I became truly saved after God's merciful conviction. Now I am married to a man who is agnostic, uses the F word literally every other word, shows zero compassion, when I break down from my heart hurting he tells me 'I'm just drama'. He grows marijuana in our garage, sells it illegally. I will be honest in saying I have searched and searched for a 'biblically acceptable' reason to leave. I have yet to find one. So I try to follow Gods word but it is very very hard and I find myself stooping to a level that is un-Christ-like to say the least.
ReplyDeleteWhat would you say for a woman to do when her husband repeatedly lashes out at her calling her names and speaking hurtful things and usually blames her but does apologize at some times. She tells him time and time again how hurtful his words are to only be told that she is overreacting. Is she simply suppose to endure this pain forever? Is she even allowed to feel pain or should she simply realize that she deserves it because she all too often does not do what is right? She is most afraid that because of fear of such a turn of events, she will no longer want to speak with him or spend time with him or trust him. Is it right for her to emotionally distance herself from him so as to be distracted by this pain from work, school, family responsibilities, etc? If not, must she simply come up with some way to endure the pain while not allowing it to be seen?
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