Continuing our series this week we're on to step 4:
Respecting the Man that You Love
I want to do the right thing.
And I want to be a good wife. So when I read in Scripture "Let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Eph.5:33), I'm determined to do that very thing.
Except that it seems rather vague to me. Undefined. I mean, how can you "see to" something you're unsure of?
What does respect look like anyway?
I know what it looks like to love. But respect? That one is less clear, as it's not something I particularly long for. It's just not at the top of my list, if you know what I mean?
Apparently it's at the top of his though. I've even heard it said that men would rather be unloved than disrespected---is that wild, or what?
Really? Respect? That's the key?
So maybe I don't exactly "get it", but I'll take his word for it. Yet that still leaves me with wondering how to let him know that he's respected. By me.
Does this mean that he makes all the decisions for our lives and I'm simply along for the ride?
Does it mean he leads in the Big Stuff - like finances, the children's education, and where we spend Christmas? And I'm pretty much on my own after that?
Or is it something totally different than any of these?
A few years ago, after reading a book on the subject, I tried yet another of my experiments (do you ever feel a wee bit sorry for my husband?). I decided to become Super Wife and not question anything he ever said or did. This noble trial went on for several weeks and yet, in spite of my great effort, he didn’t seem to notice or care.
Nor did it appear to be all that effective---and it definitely wasn't working for me. I finally broke down, confessed my game, and told him I was sorry, but that I didn't think I could keep silent for the rest of our married lives.
And do you know how he responded?
He laughed! Yeah, laughed right at me.
Then informed me that he didn't marry me so that I would only nod my head and say, "Yes, Honey" every time he opened his mouth. He actually highly valued my opinions and input. These were things he loved about me! This was NOT his definition of respect. (Whew!)
Yet the question still remained...
So I wrestled hard with this one. First, I had to look into my own heart. Did I truly respect him? Or, deep down, did I consider myself somewhat superior to him? An ugly thought, but it had to be faced. Did I trust my wisdom over his? Was I more "spiritually sensitive" than him? Was I more "in touch" with the children? More responsible? More practical? No, I definitely had some soul-searching to do.
Then what about when he's not "respect-able"? That had to be considered---except Scripture doesn't offer allowances for this. (Besides, I wouldn't want him to love me only when I am "love-able".)
My next step was to go to him and ask him outright how I could show more respect. His answer wasn't as ready as I would have guessed. It was more of an ongoing conversation. While he could come up with a few examples, the others I had to figure out myself by careful study.
I'll share a few of my conclusions---hoping you'll keep in mind, just as my list of "what love looks like to me" is going to vary a bit from yours, so is your husband's list going to vary from mine.
- Trust him. Somehow a man instinctively knows if you believe in him--or not. For instance, how you respond to his decision-making speaks powerfully to him. Is your first response to question him? Or do you save that "coupon" carefully? He needs you to trust him and his final decisions.
- Admire him. He needs to know that you are his biggest fan - hands down! No one should admire him more than you do. My personal goal? I never want anyone who works with my man to think more highly of him than I do. I want him both to see it in my eyes and to hear it from my mouth.
- Serve him. Now maybe this is my own man's thing, but he feels like a king when I offer to serve him. When I poke my head in his office and ask if I can bring up some lunch, or if I offer him a cup of coffee when he's sitting around with the other men after the church meeting? This is big with him.
- Be loyal to him. Fiercely loyal. You've got his back and he knows it. Your children should know it too. In fact, there should be no doubt in anyone's mind where your loyalty lies. No one would dare say anything disparaging about your man in front of you because that is simply not done.
Today's Challenge: Make a list of some ways in which you can show respect to your husband. Consider asking him what kinds of things make him feel respected?
Let the wife see that she respects her husband. Believe me, I'm wanting very much to "see to it" - how about you?
In fact, if you have some of your own special ways of showing respect, would you be willing to share them? I'm guessing we'd all love to hear it!
Will you seek the Lord in how you can show loving respect for your husband?
In His grace,
Will you seek the Lord in how you can show loving respect for your husband?
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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My husband has said one of the biggest ways to show him respect is to just BE HAPPY! He loves to find me happy n cheerful when he comes home from work, etc
ReplyDeleteOne of the biggest ways I can show respect to my husband, in addition to the things you already mentioned, is to try really hard to work without our budget. When I overspend or have a complaining attitude, it really communicates to him that I don't appreciate how hard he's working to take care of us.
ReplyDeleteGreat article. I am always looking for ways to better understand this respect issue. My husband and I have been reading "Love and Respect" and it has helped open our eyes to each other's needs. Great article! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteNumber two: admire him. That hit me square in the face! Especially, where you said " I never want anyone who works with my man to think more highly of him than I do". This is a hard one for me. My man is SO highly respected and admired at work. He is like a king there. It is hard for me to admire him like that when work comes first and other things come second. After being married to him for six years though these are things we are working through. Thank you for the article and for the reminder!
ReplyDeleteAnyone have advice on how to respect your husband when he's a Christian, but has left you in the position of leadership? He's a sensitive, loving, caring and compassionate man, but he just WILL NOT step up and lead our family. I desperately want him to. We've talked and fought and prayed and talked about this, but he just talks the talk. Our kids don't respect him, even though they are taught to obey him. I guess the truth is that I don't respect him, either. I want to. I serve him, encourage him, and all those things, but deep down I don't really respect him on a spiritual level. Anyone?
ReplyDeleteAccept his inabilities/insecurities and be the leader for your family as long as he needs you to be. Lead joyfully. Chances are he may be watching you and trying to learn from you (this was the case with my husband and I). By doing this, it frees us up to love our husbands unconditionally for who they are instead of who we want them to be and because WE are leading, we know that our families are taken care of properly.
DeleteSo beautifully said. We are created to be our husband's helper. Sometimes they need us to help them in this way. All men are raised differently and for some it might not come as easily or naturally. Patience, space, encouragement and above all--prayer. Will help him to grow in this area.
DeleteChoose to respect him, and provide a model for your children. And stop fighting. ;)
DeleteI have a similar problem. I don't know how to respect my husband. He got baptized 6 months before we were married and we went through pre-marriage counseling and when I married him I assumed he would grow as a Christian man. He hasn't. He doesn't open his bible at all. He doesn't seem to understand anything about Christ and is not intentional as a parent. He drinks... a lot. It's been 7 years of this and I'm so sad and growing bitter. How do I respect him?
DeleteTo anonymous on 12/3/12: 1 Corinthians 7:12-17 (Message). I pray this helps and remember, God is more than able to turn our mess into a life transforming message. It doesn't matter what it may look like right now, God sees much more than we do and He doesn't make mistakes, people do. Thank God He's able to turn it all around for our good. Be blessed as you continue to grow in Christ.
DeleteLadies, I disagree. God never said to lead if your hubby chooses not to. That isn't our place, ever. He said the husband is the HEAD (the leader) of the wife and the wife should be in subjection to him in *everything*. There is simply no way to do this without coming across as superior and disrespectful. However, one can have a submissive heart, doing the many things one has to do, while checking in with him often, asking his thoughts, opinions, etc. Many men that have been brow-beaten will start to come out of their shells if asked about their opinions on this or that. VALUE his input. Be THANKFUL for everything he offers. Come back and tell him tangible ways that his advice helped. Many times hubby's don't lead because the wife never allows it by how she controls the situation - whether she realizes she's doing this or not. She looks down on his efforts, corrects how he leads and is generally critical when he tries. Some men will simply close up and stop trying, rather than feel defeated at every turn.
DeleteIf your kids don't respect your husband, it's simply a reflection of how you feel about him, how you treat him and what you say to/about him. They mimic perfectly what they see. That can sure be helpful to see our own bad attitudes, so we can address them, whether about our hubbies or beyond.
If he spends too much time at work because he wants to, then either home isn't a welcoming place for him where he can relax, have fun and be appreciated or he has a problem separate from that. If I have to guess from your situation, it's likely that he feels your (and the kid's) lack of respect, which is likely invading every area of your lives. You can change your heart towards him, by changing HOW you think (instead of being bitter, you can CHOOSE to be thankful in your thoughts and words), which will transform you. If he knows that you love him, admire him and respect him, he will want to be in your presence. Put yourself in his shoes.
I highly recommend "Created to be His Helpmeet". It's the best and most biblically-sound book I've read on this subject and it's changed my marriage and myself. It addresses the issues here in depth. Most of the other "Christian" marriage books I've seen are peppered with feministic ideas that will only tear down a marriage. The world has creeped into every aspect of the church and the two are nearly indistinguishable.
i as a man would just like to say thank you, you printed what other wives need to hear. that is what was the demise of my last marriage, as i filed for divorce, due to having a controlling wife which stopped me from being a leader of our home. i see now it was wrong as i just gave up and didnt have a strong enough connection with the Lord to continue. ive since then married a Godly woman, and we strive to do his will in our lives but respect is difficult to give when you never had a parent model it and leadership is difficult to take.as a man if youve grown up without dad. Problem: women are mostly raising the children in homes as divorce is rampent and where is dear old dad. Same with our nation i say fathers, step up and lead, please pray for that! lets do it Gods way. we have to surrender and become humble. thank you
DeletePerfect timing! My husband's cousin is getting married in a couple of weeks and so we will be having the bride's "personal" shower next weekend. (That's the way our church addresses lingerie showers, LOL) and each lady always has to give her some kind of advice. I have always told the brides that they should never degrade their husbands to others because this causes a weak link in the marital relationship. The younger brides are stealing my advice! LOL, so now I have something new to share. Thank you for a great post!
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts! Respecting a man means communicating worth to him. Every human wants to be worth something. The biggest way a woman feels this emotion is when a man wants to marry her. Above all other women, she was the chosen one. Guys need to feel they're worth something too...they need this emotional 'high' every person craves. These steps are a great way to give him that high. He deserves to know he's the best, above all the rest. When you let him know this, he will rise above and be a better man. Respect makes a man taller and more confident. A good woman can change a man. Thank you again for this wisdom!I love your blog, Lisa Jacobson
ReplyDeleteSounds like something a man would write! :D
DeleteA couple years ago, I typed up a list of all the things I admired and respected my husband for and gave it to him. He still has it and enjoys reading over it from time to time.
ReplyDeleteAfter a few years of marriage, (almost 25) it would be easy to point out faults. But then I have to look in the mirror and well, he has to put up with a lot too. I choose to focus on the good things, and work on improving myself to be a better wife. Sometimes it just makes the bad stuff more tolerable, and sometimes it makes him want to step up and be even better.
Is this a real site with real comments by real women? I have prayed for more than 10 years that my (Christian) wife would behave like this but she does none of these things. She would regard this as outdated and not relevant to 2012. We live in England so maybe American wives are more true to Scripture?
ReplyDeleteYes, real women. We have a facebook page too! If you read the "about me" section at the top of the page, you will see how my husband's actions were key in turning my life around. Never give up on God!
DeleteHusband, make sure you pray for your wife. Praise her highly for each little thing she does that you like. Especially the outdated stuff that goes against what Satan and society are telling her. Gods plan for a peaceful and loving marriage had been torn apart by the world and many many selfish mean who have abused the hearts of women and unfortunately women have taught their daughter's how to make sure they are never abused but forgot to remember when to love and respect. Its a trust in God issue. There is a book called created to need a help meet. Get it. Do not get her the created to be a help meet. It will offend her if her heart isn't ready. Surround yourself with Godly Christian friends. Their wives will become contagious. She is you're seed. You just water her and nuture her to see her grow. Harsh words and comparing will never work. Private prayer will. Oh PS. Become a public man if God. Make her proud of you. Serve in the church. Help others.
DeletePls name withheld I loved and respected my husband before until he threw it all to the dogs when he cheated on me with a family friend which did not end dia he continued , he takes discission alone now he has gone into entertainment n he now takes a few bottles according to him I feel so bitter when ever I remember his new lifestyle we use to have a very happy Christian home which both old n young couple admire Buh now he comes home late at night .and the worst of all is that he suspects me .now I don't knw how to start respecting him ,admiring him again and so on I don't think I can love and trust him the way I do b4 the incident I can't just help but feel very bad cause he is not remorseful he feel he is a man and free to do as he pleases I don't knw if I can still love , trust , admire n respect him again. The only thing keeping me with him is bcos i am not financially ok i would have backed out of the marriage .Thanks for this page God bless u IJN
DeleteI pray that God intervenes in this situation. And I do know that in so many cases it's difficult to love and respect a man. God didn't design marriage so that we could be walked all over while someone cheats on us. That's out of the boundaries of acceptable behavior by a long shot. First and foremost I pray that he would come to repentance. If he doesn't, than I pray that God would lead you to wisdom and bring help to you.
DeleteI too feel like you "3/2/13". And I pose the same questions... My husband who is a minister of all things has abused me, stood in court denying what I said about him (when I put on the TRO) and now that he is ordered to go to anger management he won't go, in fear that it will ruin his reputation and chances to be a pastor! I love this man, and I took this route since I had given him plenty of chances before to go to counseling together (I'm talkin years), but I finally gave him this ultimatum, because of his unwillingness and denial. I just am wondering how I could respect him, to maybe encourage him to want to change, although he wants to stay with me, but it's all confusing as it may be for show?
ReplyDeleteHow can I trust him, when he has truly not chosen wise ways of providing, while we had three little ones, that make it impossible to work, as he wouldn't want to watch them! (ex. saying that he was providing for us, while on welfare, and I am not talking that we were on it for hard times, we were on it because he refused to look for a job, rather he wanted time to work on music, or start a company, but it was always a flip flop on what direction he was going every week (no joke. God is my witness.)I am sorry I am really in shock about it still)
Or how can I defend him when all the men in my family totally have no respect for him because of the situations above, and I happen to agree?
I am so hurt by so much of what he has done, I know God can change things around but I am to the point where I question how much I even want to work on it. In many ways I'd rather be divorced and never marry (because I don't find that it is scripturaly pleasing to the Lord).
Am I missing some thing, because I really feel I am!??
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. My heart is breaking for you. In your situation I would do all I can to seek counselling. And yes, he might lie in counselling too, but wise counselors are trained to expect that and work through it.
DeleteI pray that God will bring peace and wisdom to you over this situation. And do remember that He rewards the just. Your efforts aren't in vain.
Hi, I feel your pain because I had been in an almost similar situation. My husband almost left me a year ago but decided not to probably because of pity or maybe he still loved me though not as much. And he also confessed that he was cheating on me. AT that time, he no was not affectionate, he was always angry at me for little things that I do. He does not like that I hug him. It was so painful. That was the time that I sought God and gave everything to him. It was then that I realized what it means to love unconditionally just as Christ commands us to do. I started to double my efforts into loving him and praying for him. I specifically prayed the hedges of thorns prayer and asked God to help me forgive my husband. With God's grace I was able to forgive and love my husband..for I know that it is God's will for marriages to be for a lifetime. God just needed to change me before he can change my situation. He needed me to become the wife he created me to be-submissive, loving, forgiving and a heart ready to serve. I learned what it means to respect him. A few months after his confession and me leaving everything to God..Things changed.. One day he just hugged me and told me how much he loves me.. He began to pray with me every night, we would pray our vows..He would come home with a little surprise and he would tell me How thankful He is that he has me in his life...God can work wonders in your life!!!He turned my mess into a MESSAGE! He can do the same to you!
DeleteI live in Atlanta, Georgia. I have worked since I was 14 years old, when my parents got divorced and I had to go to work to keep food on the table. My first husband and I got divorced when my girls were very small. 3 & 6. He paid little to no child support. I was a single mom selling real estate. Then I married my husband who had two kids and his viscious ex wife who wanted 2,000 then 3,000 then 4,500 per month and the attorneys fees as she took us back to court constantly. When the real estate market collapsed I went to work for Verizon Wireless and Publix supermarkets, working tow jobs and then my husband told me to quit and stay home with our 2 boys, yes god gave us six kids. Then he filed for divorce, got me evicted from the marital residence with no job and on unemployment that they were so gracious to provide. I have been in an extended stay hotel for going on three years and he has mad $287-289,000 each of those years and all the money I have made has gone to pay attorneys fees. I have not seen my children in three long years. This is all happening in judge David Dickinsons courtroom in Forsyth county. I cried as I watched women after women's attorneys beg and plead for the mothers to be able to see their children. I have been praying to god for some resolution. After all of this I know I need to help and I have been trying to ask for gods grace and intervention.
ReplyDeleteI too struggle with respecting my husband. What does that even look like? How do you respect him when opinions differ? I have a long history of abuse at the hands of men. The word "submission" scares and repulses me. But i don't want it to! I am slowly and painfully killing my husband, and my heart knows it!!! I pray for God to soften my heart...help me
ReplyDeleteNow,this is a great article :)
ReplyDelete