Continuing our series this week we're on to step 2:
Choose to forgive, placing your hurt in the hands of the Lord
Guest contributor, Lisa Jacobson, Club 31 Women
But I can.
It all began so sweetly. Not long ago we were sitting around on a slow Saturday morning, working on our second carafe of French press coffee, when it happened. I’d been sharing with the girls something close to my heart, when my husband interjected with what he considered to be a playful remark.
Playful?
Maybe he saw it as a fun poke, but it felt more like a sharp dagger to me. And I staggered from the blow. My heart twisted up and tears filled my eyes as the conversation carried on without me.
Soon I began a quiet little discussion of mine own. How could he possibly tease me in that way? He must have known what he was implying with that “slight” jab! And how did it make me look in front of our girls?? I stewed on until unable to take it any longer and went out of the room.
At some point, he must have realized his offense because he came to me and tried to make amends. “I’m sorry, Babe, I didn't mean anything by it. “
Followed by, “Will you forgive me?”
No. I won’t.
I mean I want to, I just can’t.
And though he thought he was still talking to me, I was no longer there. I was gone. While standing only a few feet away from him, my heart was in another place. A much safer place.
He had made it sound so simple, as if a quick sorry would take it all away. But he really had no idea how deeply he had hurt me. Sure, he was sorry, but did he have any true sense of how his words had pierced?
I could feel the walls going up. Nice, strong, thick ones. Impenetrable. And I felt better already. No way, he wasn't going to get back in that easily. That one went in too deep. So we carried on with our day and I wept my way through morning chores.
A few hours later, however, I felt his gentle hand on my shoulder. His beckoning voice coming from behind me, “C’mon Beautiful, why are we wasting time with this great divide between us...when we could be loving each other instead?”
I knew he was right. This wasn’t the kind of love the Lord had for us. But I was having an awfully hard time letting go of the hurt.
A long hesitation. Until at last the walls came tumbling down.
I forgive you.
Then unexpected beauty came pouring in.
Because those walls that I’d put up—those nice, strong, thick ugly ones? They didn’t really shield my heart. No, those kinds of walls are only good for keeping the loving out.
And your walls? Do you have nice, strong, thick ones like mine?
There’s a purpose for this barrier of ours---to protect against the pain. But it’s holding on to our hurts that leads to bitterness, hard-heartedness, and, eventually, downright ugliness. We surely don’t want that for our marriage. Our Lord doesn't want it either. He intends for our love to be sweet, soft-hearted and lovely. Full of forgiveness.
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you (Eph. 4:32).
Forgiveness is not something you feel, it’s what you choose. We can’t wait until we “feel” like forgiving because, if you’re anything like me, that could be a very long time. Instead, make a conscious choice to forgive and then line up your feelings later.
Your husband can’t heal your heart. Only Christ can heal your hurts. You can’t expect your husband to repair and restore that which can only be done by the Great Physician’s skilled hands. Don’t resent him for something he can’t do.
Loving means forgiving both the big and the small. Sometimes we’re able to forgive the “big things”, but let the small ones accumulate. Relatively harmless things--dirty laundry, small failings and odd habits—can bunch up and become a barrier all of its own. This is where “bearing with one another” (Eph. 4:2) applies. Simply let the small things go.
You can’t move forward without forgiving. Isn't it tempting to want to merely move on? Yet “forgetting” is not the same thing as forgiving. In fact, forgetting leads to festering rather than true reconciliation. Forgive, and skip forward with a free heart.
Leave off with the List. If you've forgiven him for an offense then it must be completely removed - from your heart and from your mind. It is never to be mentioned again for any reason. Don’t keep a List that can be pulled up whenever it suits you. Love keeps no record of wrongs (I Cor. 13).
Today’s Challenge: Choose forgiveness, placing any hurt you've been harboring in the Lord’s hands. Pour it out before the Healer and leave it with Him for good. Then let His loving beauty pour in.
If you’d like prayer for the healing of your heart and the tearing down of walls, then I hope you’ll share it here. Or, if you've experienced wonderful victory or a great breakthrough, pass that on as well. It would be so encouraging to many!
Will you let Him heal your heart and bring beauty back into your marriage?
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife
Would you like to share our button?
Here's the code.
Here's the code.
This really struck home for me. My husband is always quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness, and I often feel like the issue is unresolved and I can't say I forgive him until we "work through it." I am trying to find a balance - I know that with some things, we really do need to work out to find the root issue so the same thing doesn't happen again (and again, and again...). But not everything is that way, and I often make too big a deal of little things - funny enough, it's often his playful remarks that offend me, too (and often, I shouldn't be offended by them at all). I have really been working on apologizing immediately and asking him for forgiveness; I also need to work on offering my forgiveness even when I don't feel like it. I know he loves me more than anyone else in the world, and only wants good for our relationship. :)
ReplyDeleteI definitely have say this really boosted me up because I have been struggling with things I just really need to forgive and let go. I know my marriage would really flourish if I did. Thanks for the awesome post!!
ReplyDeleteI could use a prayer for my heart to soften. I need to let God in to help me forgive and move on. I pray the lord brings beauty, kindness, and respect back into my marriage.
ReplyDeletePraying for u.
DeleteThank you for sharing your burden with us. In addition to Lisa and I there are others who are praying for you all as we move through this series.
DeleteBeautiful words of wisdom here! Such a great and timely reminder too. I'm very much like you Lisa and I agree...forgiveness IS a choice. Woke up this morning with a bit of resentment tucked into my heart. Thank you for this very inspirational piece...I surely needed it today!
ReplyDeleteGod bless you and yours!
Like Mama posted above: This is a hard one for me. While I know I NEED to do this, my hurts run so deep it's made strong foundations for my walls, my fear of being RE-HURT runs as a deep moat around my walls. What my husband did would end MOST marriages, but I know that by still choosing to be here, it is the right thing to do, it's what God wants me to do, but to forgive is giant hurdle for me. My fear overtakes my ability to truly let it all go.
ReplyDeleteCan you share a link to the article with step 1? I just found this awesome site yesterday...these words today were so helpful to me!
ReplyDeleteSure, Danielle. If you're ever looking for the series, you can click the graphic in the right hand sidebar. It groups them all together. Here is step one:
Deletehttp://www.time-warp-wife.blogspot.ca/2012/11/uncommon-love-6-steps-toward-beautiful.html
Darlene and Lisa, what a fantastic post. I've seen this situation countless hundreds of times during the 30-year-span of my marriage. I tick off my DH. My DH ticks me off. We put up those walls, thinking we're self-righteous and resolved, and protected--and you're spot on - we're only keeping love out. Invariably when we turn to one another in authentic (key word here!) forgiveness and authentic (again, key word here) acceptance, beauty and love pour in like a flood, and it's such a beautiful thing. Blessings, and thanks for a wonderful affirmation of forgiveness!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reminder. This made me tear up, because it happens all too often. Sometimes I just say, "i forgive you", just to get him off my back so I can be left alone. Ugh. I've got to stop that!!
ReplyDeleteGod is working to restore our marriage after seven years of divorce. I have been praying for this, thought I had forgiven, but the 'wiping it off the page', and not bringing it up part has been hard. I need a mental shredder or fireplace. I don't want to bring issues up, but I hear them coming off my tongue. He withdraws. I need God's help.
ReplyDeleteI am now an ex-husband because of the issues at the heart of this article. Ladies, the best thing you can do is TELL YOUR HUSBAND what was said/done that hurt and WHY IT HURT YOU. The only way to get understanding is to open up with your hurt, not hide behind the walls - and then wonder why he doesn't understand. He doesn't. He wants to. Only you can help him to.
ReplyDeleteLisa, what a wonderful post. You have put into words so clearly and concisely the process that we probably all go through! When I have felt hurt by my husband, and have made it obvious enough that my little children have noticed, I often go back to him a short time later, IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, and tell him that I was hurt by something that he said or did, and that I forgive him.
ReplyDeleteThe funny thing is that I do this solely to set an example to my children, even though I often don't yet "feel" the forgiveness in my heart. Yet usually within seconds of going through that motion, I find forgiveness truly HAS set in.
There is something about making the decision to offer the forgiveness even before you feel like forgiving, that sets the stage for the feelings to follow! Maybe it is God's way of honouring the difficult choice we've made, and so He makes it easier for us...
God bless you, my sister!
Great article, I know what you are saying is true. I ached when I read the beautiful apology uou got from your husband, 23 years of marriage & I can count on one hand the "I'm sorrys" I've heard. It's very sad, that he doesn't accept responibility, but I know him well & it's not gonna happen I still must choose forgiveness, sometimes it is more diffacult & I'll admit sometimes takes lo.ger than it shojld praying for healng for both of us.
ReplyDeleteWe could use some prayer in our household. I need to memorize that verse: Love keeps no record of wrongs. My oldest and my husband need it too - we can have a perfectly peaceful day - but when he comes home (they have similar personalities) they clash often and throw past wrongs up to one another.
ReplyDeleteI call them dandelion comments ... When I want to be treated like a Rose!!!!! ;-) funny how when we were younger the "dandelion" comments were ok but now with kiddies and tired eyes we so easily become less tolerant with each others words. I totally relate to the I can't forgive until we work it through sentiment ... Thank goodness Jesus didn't say that!! :-) this post is so timely both for me in communication as a wife and a As momma!! Thankful for your blog spurring us on xx
ReplyDeleteI needed this. The only thing I would add would to seek His forgiveness for holding onto the hurt and not forgiving right away. I have a hard time saying that I am wrong and this reminded me that I've got to get better at that, too.
ReplyDeleteThis post has saved my relationship THANK YOU !!!
ReplyDeletesuch truth. something i have had to relearn over and over. and i could never have written of it so eloquently! thank you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this. I'm ready to be free from holding on to pain and am giving it all to Jesus no matter what. I love the spirit here it is so humble and sincere. Thank you. ps. it's so weird to find a group like this that actually want to love their husbands like the Bible says.
ReplyDeleteI know I need to forgive and don't find it difficult to forgive most of the time. What I struggle with is forgiving when my husband continues to hurt me time and time again with the same hurt (and yes he knows it hurts but he feels it is his "right " as my husband to continually bring up the issue.) So my question is how do I know I have truly forgiven and and how do you let it go when it repeatedly happens? Please help me in working thru this.
ReplyDeleteContinual forgiveness is one of the most difficult challenges to face. It’s hard enough to “let it go” one time...but time after time? And yet, “Love keeps no record of wrongs” and so we get to consider each incident as a one-time event (rather than a long string of events). If you can do that, you’re well on your way to victory. Easier said than done, I know.
DeleteYou can also ask the Lord to “cushion” you from the hurt. Seek His softening grace in this situation. He is our good Father and knows the pain we bear (not said lightly). Then quietly, patiently, request that the Spirit would open your husband’s heart to see (assuming he’s a believer) and be willing to trust the matter in His care.
We’ll be praying that you will continue to walk in love and forgiveness. That the Lord will do a good work in your heart and his. There are many who are lifting you up!
I so agree with this post. i am in the same boat. My husband continues to do the same thing over and over, I work through to forgive and move on. Then it happens again. i need help with healthy boundaries, "cushion", in marriage. My church has been no help on the issue. seems to sweep it under the rug.
DeleteLike Veronica, "My fear overtakes my ability to truly let it all go" because it happens again. When does the cycle end. The women that do not have a truly repentant husband need encouragement. It is hard. How do you stick yourself out there again? Please pray for us!
For me the bottom line has to be that everything I do is done for the glory of God. He's the only one in this world that we can count on 100% of the time. When we consider that our reward comes from the Father in heaven we give up waiting on people for that sense of relief.
DeleteSome of us have great husbands but there are still going to be those who suck the life out of us whether it be family or friends which is why, like you say, we need boundaries. Forgiving is letting go of the anger and resentment inside us and leaving it at the foot of the cross. Boundaries is about making wise decisions from there on. There's a book by Dr. Henry Cloud called "Boundaries." If you can get it from the library or online it may be of help.
I have been married for a little over a year now. My husband can be the most amazing man in the world... when it is just us. However, we both have children from a previous marriage. When his children are home, I feel like I am treated like a slave I clean up after them (I even have to take the dirty laundry to the hamper). My 4 year old does that all by his self... they are 8 and 9. I have been keeping so much bitterness and anger inside ... thank you for this message... It truly hit home. I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father that loves us enough to be there with us step by step. Please keep us in your prayers. We really need them as we continue to blend this family.
ReplyDeleteI'd covet your prayers for my husband and I. I've had a wake up call of all the little things that I did wrong the first 8 years of our marriage...I've changed my behavior/responses and really, truly see for the first time what a joy and honor it is to love my husband unconditionally and serve him...but he's holding on to the past. Holding a grudge. Says he doesn't know how to forgive. There's not "one" big thing that he's struggling to let go, it's just years of him feeling like he gave and never got. Now we're in the opposite rut. Please pray for God to break him free of those chains of unforgiveness, and pray for me to continue to love freely and not hold on to the hurt he is causing me.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled upon your website, and I thank God I did.
ReplyDeletePlease pray for me. I want to let go of the past and move on. I just prayed now after reading your article. I want God to heal my bleeding heart, wipe the tears, and fill me up with joy
Wow...this post was amazing. A great reminder that digging up old bones is extremely detrimental to any relationship. I'm a good one at wanting to say I forgive you-- yet leave the door open for past hurts to resurface when I should leave them behind.
ReplyDeleteThis was great!!! Thank you Lisa!