Guest Contributor, Lisa Jacobson from Club31Women
It was no small job.
And I could feel the sweat dripping down my sides. But boy! was I determined to do it. More than once he had mentioned the kitchen was too messy and too cluttered.
So how hard was it to clear the stuff off the counters and wipe down the cabinets?
I don't know. Guess it's hard for me.
And not to sound defensive, but we had lots of young children and there were plenty of other messes to address. I just couldn't seem to get around to deep-cleaning the kitchen.
Until this one day.
On that day, I rolled up my sleeves, sent the children outside to play, and Cinderella went to work. I cleared off, wiped down, tidied up, scrubbed and scoured.
Did I tell you that I was dripping with sweat? (Oh yeah, I think I did)
There I was finishing up that last counter when I heard his truck roll up the driveway. Whoo! Wait until he saw our New Kitchen! He was going to be so pleased and proud of me. I was like a little girl, beaming a big smile, eagerly anticipating his pleasure.
He came in, dropped his stuff down on the island and offered a quick kiss. Then he passed through the sparkling kitchen, and on into the living room to wrestle with the little boys.
Without saying ONE WORD.
Not one.
Now I probably sound like a big baby. But I was crushed by his response. Here I’d just done this remarkable job - for him - and he walked silently right through it. And right through my heart on the way.
Because I expected him to notice. More than that, I expected him to care. And I most certainly expected him to say something!
Great Expectations - I was filled with them.
But he didn't know that. He only saw a kitchen as it "should be", not a wife who had made this gargantuan effort to please him. He was thinking about the business, the men's meeting, the half-finished yard project, his growing boys and his loving wife.
Yes, his wife.
But NOT the kitchen.
So I learned something: I have to let my husband know what it is that I expect from him.
It's not that he means to hurt me or let me down. He's simply not thinking the same way - about the same things - that I am.
But if I can give him a little inside info about what's going on inside me? Then it gives him a chance to meet my expectations. It's not really fair to make him guess what it is that I've done, why I did it, and even the kind of response I'm hoping for.
Well, my next big project was to tackle the bonus room (made the kitchen look easy). Only this time I gave him a heads up. Yep. Gave him a call on his cell before he ever even left the office.
Hey, Hon, I just finished cleaning out the bonus room. So when you get here, could you please notice? Say what a wonderful job I did? With as much enthusiasm as you can muster?
I swear I could hear him grinning over the phone. Yeah, I think I can do that.
This time his response didn't hurt my feelings so much as make me blush. Let's put it this way: he exceeded my expectations. (Really, Honey! Not in front of the children....)
So give your husband a chance to meet your expectations. Let him know what it is that you're hoping for and why. He just might surprise you....
In His grace,
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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hahahha,LOL! I went thru that last night. He was busy studying and i engaged myself in huffin n puffin away and ended up all wet in the shower...When i passed through he had enquired what i was up to and yet when he came over to our bedroom he almost jumped straight into bed without even taking a glance! I had to ask him to come and have a look. He complied but his comments did not match my efforts...He is called Mr Smart and i thought i had finally hit the nail on the head especially that i had put in extra time after work lol! Next time i will certainly give him a chance to meet my expectations n we will bothe be happpy :) tk
ReplyDeleteI have learned this lesson a similar way.... and i might need to deep clean the kitchen again. :)
ReplyDeleteYou handled this very well. I can only imagine how hurt I'd feel in this situation. The difference between us is that you worked it out in the right way with the right attitude while I would have internalized things and bore resentment against my husband. It would have taken awhile to get to the root of the problem, but by then, angry words might have been exchanged.
ReplyDeleteAs you said, men aren't mind readers. It's not like we've been led to believe in movies and romance novels where they're completely in sync with us and can divine what we need before we do. No, the reality is that we have to let them know what we need sometimes. It makes things so much easier!
Beautifully said as always, Lisa! Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteHit the nail on the head with this one for me! Thanks for your sensical (yet not common sense for me) view in today's post. I can't WAIT to use this today (I have some plants to move out back.) :-)
ReplyDeleteAs someone who thrives on words of affirmation, I can relate to this article. I also see another side of this situation as well. I tend to think you nailed it when you said that he saw the kitchen as it should be. I think sometimes we tend to want praise for everything, and that can be demanding. Do we offer praise to our husband every day that he goes to work and clocks in and out on time, does a good job, provides family benefits on each check, fixes something, etc? Sometimes it might be best if we change our expectations. If it's something that should be done, then do it for him and the Lord and be happy if we have pleased our Heavenly Father. I'm not saying to never discuss anything with your husband by letting him know that words of encouragement mean alot to you in general, just saying that if you have to call him on the way home to ask, it may turn into something where he is walking on eggshells thinking he has to notice everything you've done. Everyone's husband is different, but I can see where it could cause some issues with some men. If we are doing things we are supposed to do, then we should do it whether serving our families or church without the expectation of verbal praise (even though it is nice to have!). Just my two cents:)
ReplyDeleteI agree!
Deletehahaha!! that is so stinking cute! :D
ReplyDeleteand totally what I am learning to do too! I just ask my hubby what he thinks, but I think next time I'm gonna give him the heads up and even ask him to show as much appreciation as he can muster! love it! :D
Have a fabulous day!
Honest to goodness, this is exactly....EXACTLY the message I needed to receive today. Thank you so much! I have learned so much from this site. :)
ReplyDeleteJust have to say THANK YOU! Your blog is continually used to convict and guide me and answers many trials that I go through. I follow several blogs and I never thought one blog could answer and do so much but of course our God can do that :) SO THANK YOU for letting God use you :)
ReplyDeleteI love your comments! What an accurate picture of what each of us wives may face on a daily basis. I love your common sense and just the basics way of dealing with the situation. Thank you for your practical and real ideas.
ReplyDeleteThanks for something to consider . . .
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with this post, Lisa! Have learned this the hard way too, and now I have no problem at all in telling my hubby exactly what I'm expecting!
ReplyDeleteHere's where this principle has helped me most:
Years ago, I went with our first baby to France to attend a wedding. Hubby had to work and couldn't make it, but we planned that four days later he would join me in Paris, and then we would holiday with some church friends in beautiful France.
Needless to say, it was really hard to be without him for those first 4 days. Here I was, an inexperienced mom of a three month old, in a foreign country, at a wedding FILLED with couples dancing and kissing and having the time of their lives, and I was husbandless :-(
Well, I was waiting with bated breath for my man to arrive. Got to the airport early, imagining him dropping his luggage to dramatically run towards me, swoop me up in his loving arms, and pour out endless sweet nothings of how much he missed me, how great it is to be with me in such a romantic country, and how he couldn't bear to be without me ever again for a single moment.... well... you get the picture :-) (A disappointment waiting to happen, right!?)
Picture this!!!! Husband walks through the Arrival area of the airport. I run to him with open arms and beaming smile. Husband says, "Where's the rental car place? I need to get to the rental car place." Husband looks around. Husband coos at the baby. Husband breaks my heart!!! (are you crying yet?...)
Boy, was that an expectation unmet if there ever was one!!!!????
Since then, I kid you not, every single time, without fail, when my hubby returns from a trip, I literally tell him, "Honey, please don't forget to act as though you are over the moon to see me and the children... be super excited, hug us, kiss us... over do it babe!!!!!" :-) Or something to that affect...
And it works without fail...
xxx
How do you go from http://time-warp-wife.blogspot.com/2013/01/day-16-to-love-you-without-expectation.html of having no expectation to a post that says have expectation? I'm confused.
ReplyDeleteWhy, as I wife, should I do anything just for the sake of my husband noticing? Shouldn't I be motivated by something more? Like God word? Shouldn't I recognize that my husband may have had just a rough a day and I'm being touchy to get upset over him not noticing?
And if this was to husbands and it applies to wives as well: shouldn't we all take a dose of thankfulness for all the things my spouse does for our relationship, home, children?
Jesus directed to do to other what you want done to you. Not because you expect a return, but because you love and want to display it.
My post about planting your days with hope is about doing our job as a woman and leaving the heart changes up to God. My stance on it is that what we do is done for the glory of God. In the end that's all that really matters.
DeleteBut I think the point here that Lisa's making is that we also need to communicate our thoughts to them and not just assume they know what we want.
Sometimes husbands and wives tend to speak different languages--actually more often than sometimes. And a lot of our feelings are left up to assumption. We assume they know what we want or what we need, but the bottom line is that they need communication.
In the end we don't know if they'll react the way that we hope and dream that they will. But we can learn to communicate and most importantly we can bring our burden to the Lord.
I've done that too, let my husband know exactly what I need from him. This is the part when you say______, Hon. Even when I have had a cleaning service come I still want him to notice that things were managed.
ReplyDeleteCommunication is key! Followed a link from homeschool giveaways for the raffle :).
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I realize that this is an older post, but it totally cracked me up, but tucked neatly into that humor, there is a huge Future-Marriage-Moment-Tip! I just wanted to say that I really appreciated that :D I am SO you, the woman in the story, who goes crazy doing something for someone… and then they blow right past it unintentionally, and my sensitive heart breaks. Lol. I don’t think I ever would have thought to “warn” him, so to speak :D To, as you named it, ‘give him a chance’ (or if I ever did, I doubt I would’ve liked it). But it’s a perfectly logical, actual kindness you can do for your husband, instead of being mean and giving him the wounded treatment when he accidentally messes up and has no clue! Thanks for the tip! Now I, and my future husband, can be forewarned! :D
ReplyDelete