The following article is an excerpt from 'The Good Wife's Guide: Embracing Your Role as a Help Meet' (edited to fit the blog)
Fifty-plus years ago, when parents were raising twelve children or more, a woman’s place was in the home, while her husband was the sole financial provider. In today’s world where many families rely on the income of both parents, many women are saying they have too much on their plate.
Having a family and a career is common, but hard to achieve. Combine that with a passion to raise a healthy, close-knit family, and you have some decisions to make. What do I cut? What do I keep? How can I be a good wife?
Titus chapter two exhorts women to love their children and to be keepers of the home. My hope is to enforce that message while teaching you how to do it with joy.
Now before you jump to the conclusion that this blog is for the “stay-at-home mom,” let me say this SAHMs and working moms alike can both take joy in serving their families and glean from the lessons herein.
My passion is to encourage women to love and serve their families in hopes that we will all strive to keep our priorities straight. In doing so I offer you reasons for achieving a well-managed home backed by scripture and gleaned from experience, and provide you with detailed schedules for practical application.
My goal is to encourage you to make faith and family your first priorities from a place of sacrificial love. Whether that means that you are working inside or outside of the home will depend on the choices you make according to your own set of circumstances.
For the past sixteen years I've been blessed with employment opportunities through which I can set my own hours and work from our home office. But this is a blessing and I understand that it’s not feasible for every mom. Unless I'm walking in your shoes I can't say what is driving you to choose your path or where your priorities lie. I can only hope that your decisions are grounded in faith.
Here is a letter I received from a reader along with my thoughts on “working” moms...
Dear Darlene,
Daily you inspire women to draw upon the Lord for their strength and defy recent conventions by being submissive (NOT the same as being a doormat) and serving.
My marriage was a world filled with abuse and adultery, which was obviously difficult, but I also got to be a stay-at-home mom for a few years. While it was never an ideal situation, I did not realize until I went back to work, and left my husband, how much of a difference it made in their lives and mine that I got to be with them those years. I miss the time with them desperately, but single mommas don’t get to stay at home (unless they’re remarkably fortunate).
I have a theory. I think we have developed a society where a majority of mothers are caught in a “catch 22” of permanent mommy-guilt. If we choose to stay at home, we are scolded for not contributing to the household income and may have a tendency to feel under-accomplished. Should we choose to maintain careers outside the home, we must constantly feel the guilt of knowing someone else is raising our children for us while we miss out on their most precious and formative moments. I’m sure it’s quite apparent which choice I would make if I had one…but I don’t.
I might not be a wife now, but if the Lord wills it, I would like to be one again someday. I know the next time around I will choose a man with a strong faith and Christian values, and whether I work outside the home or not, I want to serve God and my family by fulfilling the roles of wife and mother to the best of my ability. Therefore, I will continue to read and glean inspiration from your daily efforts.
Sincerely,
Single Mom
Dear Single Mom,
Thank you for your encouragement, and fellowship in the faith.
This was heavy on my mind when I went to sleep last night, as I received a letter from another reader, also on the topic of moms working. She wondered why I didn't support working women more than I do:
You don’t seem to blog about moms who like raising their children, but who also enjoy working outside their household in their chosen profession. I’m a mom and a professional, in that I work outside my home in my chosen profession because I like it... Perhaps there is room for stay-at-home moms and professionals who respect the stay-at-home choice, and also vice versa?
That's a good thought, and one to be considered.
For me the bottom line is that I encourage women to make family their first priority and to serve them with joy, whether that means that they are working inside of or outside of the home will depend on individual families according to their circumstance.
In some cases, like yours, it's not possible to stay home, as you have a responsibility to feed your children and put a roof over their head. We aren't all blessed with the traditional situation of a working father that is able and willing to provide for his family. In fact since the women's liberation movement we've seen an increased number of women in the work force, and as a result men are competing to get good paying jobs.
If a woman chooses to work because she has a passion for what she does, I don't see anything wrong with that situation providing that her primary passion is to her family. If we send our children off to daycare because we want a bigger house, a cabin, a boat or more spending money, then we may be prioritizing those things over the value of spending time with our children. We should all search our hearts when making important decisions like this.
I could never stand in judgment of working women because I am blessed with a work-at-home job. Unless I'm walking in their shoes I can't say what is driving them to choose their path or where their priorities lie, nor would I want to.
Looking to scripture we see the Proverbs 31 woman selling fine linen to merchants, buying a field, and planting a vineyard. What we also see there is a woman who rises early to feed her household and whose children call her "blessed."
I won't stand in a position where I pat either side on the back for the purpose of stroking one’s ego, as I'm sure there are a large number of stay-at-home moms who would rather sit down and watch soap operas then cuddle on the couch with their kids or pick up a broom.
Being a stay-at-home mom shouldn't be a badge that anyone wears with pride. I would rather that moms would take pride in quietly serving God and their family.
All I can do is encourage women to love and serve their families in hopes that we will all strive to keep our priorities straight.
And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.
~ Colossians 3:23-24, KJV
You are loved by an almighty God,
Visit Time-Warp Wife on facebook: Click here
If you would like to have Time-Warp Wife delivered to your inbox daily, simply click here: Subscribe to Time-Warp Wife
Check out my book, The Good Wife's Guide: Embracing Your Role as a Help Meet
Thank you so much for this post. I recently lost my job, and I really want to be a housewife, even though it means things are really tight for us. But the guilt!! It's so true -if I go back to work I feel guilty because it's so hard to keep up with the house and spend time on my family. If I stay home, I feel guilty because money is so tight. It encourages me just to hear you talk about that Catch 22!!
ReplyDeleteEncouraging post today! Thank you from a Mom who tries to be a success in God's eyes as a part-time beauty consultant, part-time substitute teacher, volunteer at church and other kingdom work! I choose to stay busy and will work daily. Others may not see all I do, but all I do goes without a thank you on a daily basis. That's the hard part! :)
ReplyDeleteInteresting post. What are your thoughts on this: if a woman's mate wants her to work outside the home for whatever reasons he may have, then shouldn't she submit to that?
ReplyDeleteIn any case, I am one of the WOTH Moms, and I finally found balance. I work 7a-11a M-F and I am able to come home and cook, clean, and take care of my kids.
I think this is always a difficult situation. Someone has to work in order to run this world, and while we would love it to be just the menfolk, it just isn't possible.
I love this post! I do believe that moms do the most important job in society. (today and throughout history too) As long as we realize that and take our role seriously then I think we will be okay. I work from home part time and I used to love it but now the stay at home lifestyle looks so ideal to me. The real problem is that the media and most entertainment devalues motherhood and makes a mockery of the traditional family. We start to question it ourselves sometimes and lose appreciation for it, and that is where I think the trouble is. Not so much where we work but how we view our role. Is it #1 or an embarrassing side note? I can honestly say that I took my job to feel better about myself, to be more relevant. Several years down the road, we need the income but I see it as a distraction from my job as a mom.
ReplyDeleteJust this morning, I sat doing my prayers, praying that God would give me more peace about the choices I have made. I dropped an extremely lucrative career when my first child was one. I was not a Christian at the time, but I had a strong urge that leaving her every day was simply not in her best interest. My husband took over all of the finances and we struggled for a long time. It was not easy to lose the money that I had been bringing in, but, looking back now I can see how God has blessed my decision through His provision. I would not trade the joy of the last 13 years for an almost 6 figure salary. However, the mommy-guilt is there. To this day my dad will tell me I am crazy for having chosen to stay at home. My youngest is now 10 and dad thinks I should have gone back to work a long time ago. But my husband is now in Afghanistan for the third time and we have no family here to help us...who do my children have? Me. If I combine that with a job, then they would only have half of me, so I find fun ways of saving money and people are amazed when they find out how little we live on while still taking a yearly family vacation and not going without. I still long for God to show me His "purpose" for my life....but each time I pray for that, I hear Him whisper, You are a wife and a mom, that IS your purpose for now". The guilt comes when I begin to feel like that is just not enough. I would love to have an opportunity like you have to work from home and make my own hours, but nothing has come from any door I have tried to open, so I will step back, help my babies grow into Christ centered adults and be there for my husband who I ADORE...and pray I realize what an awesome purpose this is:) Thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that your comment encouraged me immensely and brought tears to my eyes. Your family is blessed by much more than what money could have given them.
DeleteThank you so much:)
DeleteI wish there was a "like" button on here! Thank you for the encouraging insights in this comment thread.
DeleteGood word sister. Very honest and straight-forward with grace and mercy. Thanks for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Shan
The How to Guru
Thank you so much for this post. I struggle often with the outside world passing judgement about my husband and I's choice to stay home with our children. I have two children from a previous marriage. My ex brings up my being a stay at home mom all the time and how I should to work instead of doing nothing. This has come up in court/trial with him as well. Lots of judgement from lawyers and judges about our choice. I enjoy being a SAHM, and feel this is God's place for me. The babies are only small for so long!
ReplyDeleteI am fairly new to this site, and a working mom. I am always interested in learning new, better ways of handling wife/mommy situations and duties from a Biblical perspective. My husband and I have worked together for more than 10 years managing a small business. Although I have, many times, wanted to be a SAHM, I have the unique opportunity to be a help meet to my husband at work as well as at home. Each time we discuss the pros/cons of me working, my husband reminds me how God is using our situation to His glory. I am able to be there for my children when they get home from school, while earning an extra income to help my husband in providing for our family. I realize not every working mother has the privileges that I do, and I thank God for what He has provided for me. However, there are times that I long to be at home to be a better mother, wife, and keeper of our home. What I've learned in the process is to seek God's will, and not the approval of others, in our decisions as a family.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to reading more of your articles.
Thank you for pointing out that just being a SAHM doesn't mean that you are putting your family first. It is a full-time job to work at home-especially when you aren't being compensated with money! I homeschool our kids and my husband works 2 jobs so that we can do that. I bake and can and garden; learn about medicianl herbs and teach others. He appreciates what I do, and I appreciate him. He says I am irreplaceable! (love him!)
ReplyDeleteI am grateful every day that we can have this arrangement- one that was so natural even a few generations ago. Some women really have to fight to accomplish 'family first' in this day and age.
Thank you for your amazing blog, and what you are doing to encourage women to empower their relationships! You are making a difference in The Kingdom!
I was a sahm for the first 16 mos of my daughters life. Then finances deemed that I needed to go back to work. W were fortunate to find an inexpensive reliable sitter that we knew and that loved our daughter. By the time that we thought I could quit, my husband lost his well paying job while I was pregnant with our son. Yes, I've struggled with mommy guilt and depression but it helped that I work for a ministry that allowed me to leave work to tend to my kids when I needed and has allowed flexible hours when need be to allow me to be at school activities for my kids. I have met 1 criticism during these 17 years and that was from a good friend who said I was selfish for working. I told her that I'm not working because I want to, it's because I need to to help pay bills. Then a few years ago while talking with my daughter, she said she was glad I worked because it gave her and her brother a chance to learn independence after school. I wouldn't get home until an hour after they did. To get everything done, I've learned to let some things go and focus on the important stuff. Laundry will always be there, and I have taught my kids to help out around the house. We all need to help, I can't do it all myself. This helps them to learn how to take care of themselves when they are not living under our roof. If I were to do it all over again, would I do the same thing? Probably not, but I don't have the guilt like I used to when they were younger. My daughter is now 18 and son almost 14
ReplyDeleteI have zero guilt about staying home. I worked in child care and have an education degree, so I was a teacher as well before having children. Those experiences that allowed me to care for many children with dual-working parents as well as to teach children who had a stay at home parent helped me choose to wait to have children until I could stay home. I know some children need to attend child care when a household can't make ends meet on one income, but your points about setting family up after God (God first) and considering what CAN be done to make sure that family is a priority is so important. I had a mother who worked part time midnight shift so she could help supplement the income and stay home with us. We never went to a daycare center. It did not take a village to raise us, because we didn't have a village of known, trusted caregivers near us. Family first. I am grateful to my parents and God for showing me that example. I only pray each day that I can manage to live in His service to my own family and teach them to consider what will be lost if they choose self over service to others. Children have become a token of self-fulfillment these days. They are blessings from God and I hope that all parents treasure the gift that they are.
ReplyDeleteI am a work-at-home single mom --- my family comes first, even if that means just my one and only child. We do not have state assistance (we have had it in the past); we homeschool.
ReplyDeleteJust about everyone has told me that combination is impossible.
Then I must be a figment of my own imagination ;) Because I am indeed *homeschooling* my 8 year old son as a *single mom* (birthfather provides zero support and has zero rights), on my *own income* earned while *at home* on my own schedule (I used to have a family daycare and want to have one again, but for now I run two online businesses).
So. Just sharing for the single moms out there - IT **IS** a possibility! As my son's tae-kwon-do instructor says: don't let *anyone* tell you can't do something! If you work at it and have your priorities in the right place, the results will be the proof :)
Reading all these comments, I have to add my thoughts! :-D
ReplyDeleteI believe that staying home is the best for all - marriage, children, family, self! However, that isn't always possible, and especially in this loooong drawn out economic depression, for many families, ANY job is something to be grateful for (that is how we felt after 2 years of unemployment!!)!!
From what I have seen and experienced, THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR is how we relate to our children, whether we stay home or work! If they know (KNOW!) that their needs come first with us, and that a mom working is trying to meet those needs, that can make up for so many of the challenges of working and parenting. If the conversation is always framed with "Our family comes first, and this is what our family needs right now".....I don't think any woman who HAS to work for her family's benefit should feel guilty, or like a bad mother!!
And from the comments I've read here, the women who are working SHOULD NOT feel badly either, in my opinion!! I've heard women working for ministries, women working part-time, women working beside their husbands -- these are wonderful choices that don't harm children in any way! And again, if women are working in those ways, and are able to stop and focus on the needs of their children when necessary, it must certainly be what God has chosen for their family!
I have spent alot of time thinking about these things in our own (very difficult) situation.....no money, no work for a LONG time, no ability to provide opportunities outside our home for my now-teenage children, etc......and after praying and fretting for years about all this stuff, I have come to the belief that God has a plan for each of us in our families, and he is going to arrange our lives to teach us what we need to know for that plan, and to mold our opportunities to fit that teaching. So while I worry that I have no extra money to get my son a car, or get my daughter painting lessons, or buy my other son his own laptop.....while I've had to feel tremendous guilt about asking them to share some of their Christmas money (from Nanas and aunts and uncles) so I can pay the heating bill.....while I feel terrible that we only have one car and with my husband at work, we can't go to regular homeschool group activities ---- with all these situations, and more, I have had to come to peace with them! And that peace comes from knowing that I am doing ALL I can to provide these things for my children, but it's not always possible.....so I believe it must be GOD training my children for their future that He has set out for them!! I've decided that I cannot feel guilty for something that God is preventing or causing to happen for my children! :-)
So try to remember this -- that even when situations look bad to us, and we feel like we are failing, and we aren't able to DO enough or GIVE enough, that God is really in control! If our hearts and motives are in the right place, and our focus is on God, but something is just not possible, it must be that God knows the future of our children, and he is creating the life they need to be prepared for it!!
I don't believe it is truly good for humans to have everything perfectly the way they want it -- struggle builds character and creates mercy and compassion (among other lessons). And if our children go through those struggles with us surrounded by love and understanding, as adults they will be armed with something so much more valuable to their true happiness than the ability to make tons of money and buy tons of stuff!!!
Lisa Diane
DeleteThank you for your post. I needed to hear that today!
... and yet I struggle with wondering how a mother could be called to leave her children - the ones God has entrusted her with to raise, teach and guide - with daycare, grandma etc. - to pursue a 'career' that is exciting or 'fulfilling' for her. Quickly looking at that situation, it appears very selfish. It takes more to give up what you might enjoy to stay home and change diapers, clean floors, prepare meals and guide little hearts without a paycheque or praise. As a mother, your life is not your own. Following a career choice because you like it and it fills a want/need in your life doesn't seem right as a Christian mom ...
ReplyDeleteWhy shouldn't your life be your own? Good created all of us to be individuals with unique desires and passions. Yes, being a parent is part of one's identity, but it shouldn't be your sole identity. Fathers also have a role to play in raising children, one that is largely interchangeable with the role of mother. Children will eventually grow and leave the home, so parents need their own separate identities.
DeleteI think it is important to listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and what God has chosen for our life. I spent many years wanting to stay home and was unable and became bitter.The Lord has called me and put me in a leadership position in the healthcare profession where He has called me to serve others- it is not easy I have 2 girls 11 and 18 and I am blessed to have a wonderful family that helps and my husband and I work as a team. People need to be careful when they say one way is the best- We are all called to be obedient to what the Lord has called us to and for some that is to work outside the home. We need Christian women in the world teaching our children, running businesses, and serving others such as in healthcare, Think of what the world would be missing if Christian women of all ages were not deployed as missionaries in whatever field He has called us. We are the hands and feet of Christ making a difference in our families and others. My family comes first- I take it day by day and surrender to Him as I listen for what He would have me do. I still struggle as it's not easy to juggle everything but I have a peace that this is what He has called me to and I will continue until He calls me to a different path. It has caused me to fully rely on Him in every moment and that is what He wants for us.
ReplyDelete