Guest contributor, Lisa Jacobson from Club31Women.com
A good friend recently confessed something to me.
A good friend recently confessed something to me.
She struggled with jealousy.
Of me.
Really...jealous of me?? How could that be? We've been friends for many years and she knows I've had my share of grief and trials. Nothing overly amazing in my life.
What was there to be jealous of?
Then she came out with it: she was envious of the kind of husband I had. She wished hers was more like mine.
????
I could only stare at her. I sure didn't get it.
So she clarified. She couldn't help but notice how much time my husband and I spent with one another. The two of us are often found together - working in the yard, out on a walk, over at the cafe, or maybe standing in line at Costco.
But always together.
It wasn't like that with her husband. The two of them lived functional, but basically separate lives. And she wished they had what we had. If only they were as closely connected as we were. If only her husband was like mine.
Now it was my turn to confide.
All that time we spend together? It's not only him.
It's me.
Yes, it's true. I'm nearly shameless when it comes to orchestrating time together. Any excuse will do. I'll do whatever I can - to get close to him.
This used to bother me. Bug me. Discourage me. But it doesn't anymore. I came to realize that I'd rather be together with him - even if that was my doing - than to be apart.
So it can be up to me to make the move.
If I smell coffee brewing in the morning? (That man wakes up waaaay to early, if you ask me). I'll drag myself out of my comfy covers to have a cup with him before he dives into his work.
Close to him.
If he's off to run errands, I'll run out to the truck and ask if I can come along. He gives me a grin and tells me to hop on in. Who cares if he's only going to the farm supply store? It's a Chicken-Feed Date and I'll take it.
Close to him.
If he's working in the garden, I'll throw on a pair of old jeans and join him out in the green bean patch. We both weed. I talk the entire time. And he listens (I think).
Close to him.
And if it's the end of the night and he announces that he's heading to bed? Well, I'll give him a wink and tell him to wait up, 'cause I'm coming too.
Really close to him.
I just want to be close to my man.
Now at this point there might be a few of you who're about ready to yell. Something like, "SO WHERE IS THE GUY IN ALL THIS?" I hear ya. But after thinking it through, I've concluded that we shouldn't worry so much about the man's side of this thing. Let's simply focus on ours. (Maybe there's a post for him over at Time-Warp Husband. Where is that site, anyway??).
Because really? I'm married to a good man. And you probably are too. But he doesn't always think the same way I think (why would I want to pick up chicken-feed with him?). Or feel the same needs in the same way I feel them.
Yet it doesn't bring us any closer together if I fuss and fume at him. So instead of resenting him, I'd rather be the one to make the move if it comes down to it. And so I do.
Yet it doesn't bring us any closer together if I fuss and fume at him. So instead of resenting him, I'd rather be the one to make the move if it comes down to it. And so I do.
Maybe you're wishing you and your husband spent more time with one another? That you were better connected? Closer?
Sometimes it’s the woman who gets to make the move toward her man.
So why not move in closer to him.
Real close.
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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Pssst...
I'm over at The Better Mom today sharing a post called, "Why Marriage is Like a GPS." I hope you pop in over there and say, hi!
Darlene
What a great, timely post. You are so adorable and very wise! ;)
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Shan
The How to Guru
This is GREAT! Thank you...I am going to start getting close to my man!! God bless you!
ReplyDeleteI love this!
ReplyDeleteWOW... that was well said. I am always saying why doesn't he make the first move. I need to be the one to do that. Not put it all on him. Thanks for sharing today Lisa!
ReplyDeleteI am the exact same way. I always tag along if I can, or even ask if he'll come to the store with me. I will go outside with him if he's working out there, or sit next to him (me reading, him watching a game), and yes even to bed at the same time. I love being around him, he is my favorite person! Great post!
ReplyDeleteThis was good and made me think. My husband is a good, godly man, a great provider and a wonderful father. Having said that, I too wish we were better friends.
ReplyDeleteHe is kind of a "loner" type. He drinks his coffee in the car on the way to work. He puts on music when he works in the yard and does not want to have to turn it down to listen to my ramblings. He doesn't enjoy going on walks...He just generally likes to do his own thing.
Date nights? Yep! We have them and they are great and pretty regular. We talk and laugh and enjoy each other. The time in between though is that functional togetherness you mentioned.
I think I'm like that too. We've been together since we were 17 & now we are 39. I guess somethings working! :)
ReplyDeleteYes! And guess what? Our man gets so used to us tagging along and being where they are that they start asking for it themselves.
ReplyDeleteWhat an incredible post! I'm so thankful for these wise words! =)
ReplyDeleteProbably what I needed to hear today!
Much Love!
L
Excellent post and so true!
ReplyDeleteIf I want proximity closeness, I am usually the one that has to make the effort too! It used to bother me, but I know that he loves it, makes it easier to do.
I think he's just one track mind kinda guy, and I love that about him. He's on a mission, to whatever he's got going on at the moment. I know there is no way he can be thinking of me when he's on his mission to whatever, so I remind him by tagging along and he LOVES it! :D
thanks for this reminder, I've gotten a little slack in this area.
Have a blessed Easter!
Loving this post today! I say Amen. Something to think about when you're holding a flashlight for what seems like hours while hubby fixes the faulty water pump in the backyard. It wasn't the best of circumstances,but there WAS a gorgeous full moon and I made the best of being that close to him. We ladies have to take the lemons and make lemonade! Thank you Lisa for a great post as usual.
ReplyDeleteWow love this! So what I needed to hear. Thanks
ReplyDeleteAwesome! Mine is in the military so I can't follow very closely,but I love to shamelessly beg for any off time he has, so we can do everything together.
ReplyDeleteLove this!!!! My husband and I are always doing things together too! I even like going to the dump with him! lol! Just so long as we can be together! (P.S. I LOVE feed store dates! Just as long as he lets me adore all of the new little chicks for a little while...)
ReplyDeleteHow do you spend time with him if he is not home because he is doing his things or if you have little ones at home?
ReplyDeleteI can't really speak for Lisa who wrote the article, but I can speak from experience. There were times when michael's schedule was crazy busy because he was starting up a new company. It gave us so little time alone and we had young kids who needed our attention too. I've always found that bed time has been a nice quiet time for us. We love to have that time to talk and rub each other's back.
DeleteThere's also getting up before the kids to share a cup of coffee in the morning.
But with that said, I'm not sure what you mean by "doing his things." It could be that you need to communicate your thoughts to your husband to work out a solution. If someone is running errands and you are home with the little ones it's one thing, but if he's gone every night you might need to voice your concern? I don't know what your situation is.
I also want to add that there are seasons to all of our lives. I know that Lisa has some kids that are older now and can watch little ones when she jumps into the truck with her husband, but I'm sure it hasn't always been that way for her.
Knowing Lisa I imagine she probably got creative and found ways to make the time that she could.
Thank you, Lisa for your transparency! It doesn't help someone who is struggling when someone else pretends to have it all together, but when someone is transparent, so many people can benefit!
ReplyDeleteI'd love to hear an answer to anonymous's question above.
ReplyDeleteI can't really tag along, because it would take me 20 minutes to get everyone ready/in the carseats. He would be home in 20 minutes so he usually prefers to just get it over with. Lol
I do the same, but my husband also is very much in need of personal space, so I have to pull back sometimes and refrain from asking to go everywhere. It makes him feel more respected. Not to mention when I go with him it means dragging the 3 kids along too which can feel like a big hassle a lot of the times, which when its just a quick errand isn't as enjoyable. We do spend tons of time together, and he takes us with him most of the time he goes anywhere, when he's working on something at home he generally prefers doing it himself, but I'm right there with a cup of tea out coffee for him, we always go to bed at the same time. I definitely make the effort. I think it is important to give them the space they need, if they are the type that needs that, but also making sure your right there next with them and want to spend that time with them.
ReplyDeleteGreat point, Sarah!
DeleteI love this...I used to worry that I was being clingy to my husband because I would want him to come to the grocery store with me and I'd want to go with him on his ventures. And that is all it is for me, just wanting to be close to him :) Thank you for this wonderful post!
ReplyDeleteHow do you spend time with a husband who's only hobbies are tv and video games. I spend time with him, but it's just me sitting there watching tv, no interaction. I'm so tired of watching tv. :/
ReplyDeleteI can related because last winter my husband was into treadmill and hockey. I'm not a hockey fan. So it seemed like every night he was either on the treadmill listening to music or watching hockey.
DeleteI'd always sit with him to watch hockey and do my own thing like play on Pinterest or wrestle with the kids. (we do that a lot! LOL)
But I think what Lisa is saying here is to keep our eyes open and get creative. If we look for opportunities we might see there where we've never noticed them before.
Like going for errands. I hadn't really thought about that and so often I'll say, "Oh... you have to go to Home Depot again?" And I think... I wanted to spend time with him. So there are areas where I can see I'm missing opportunities. He'd love it if I went along.
I snuggle into my hubby's chest and he throws an arm around me while I'm on my laptop and he's reading. If you have a laptop, maybe you could try that while he watches tv. Sometimes I just rest my head on his lap while he's reading and he'll play with my hair and I sleep because being with my son all day drains all my energy!Nothing super-exciting, but togetherness. Not all people like this, but my husband loves when I shower with him...even if it's not to have sex...he likes having me in there. Worth trying a couple times a week if your shower is large enough for two :)
DeleteThank you so much for sharing! You are definitely a "Wife On Purpose". :)
DeleteWhen my husband and I first met, we were together all the time. We worked together, we took the same classed in college and we did everything else together! If you found one of us you found the other! Then he took a job where he traveled and he was gone for 5 days or more at a time. It was rough! It almost destroyed our marriage! He is no longer traveling and we are spending more and more time together. I go with him to buy car parts, to pay bills, to get the groceries or anything else that will allow us to spend time together! I love spending time with him!
ReplyDeleteAmen!!! I absolutely just love and adore this post. I will practice so much more to make the first move to be even more CLOSE TO HIM my beloved hubby. Thanks dearly for sharing and teaching me this treasure of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteRight on!! I love being close to my man and am happy to inch closer every chance I get :).
ReplyDeleteI am a struggling christian wife who has tried to get close to my husband but he will not let me. I have been that wife who will try to go do things with him just so I can be close to him but I get turned down every time. I cried when I read this post because this isn't at all what I can have. I pray every day that my husband will let me into his life but it hasn't happened. I have died to self so much that there isn't much left for me.I am well aware that God can make miracales happen. I really believe that is what it is going to take for him to let me close to him.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly how I feel. My husband told me about a month ago, a little bit of time together is really all he needs. I like spending every moment possible together, just like Lisa! Apparently he doesn't like being around me much, which is the most hurtful realization I have had in our 12 years of marriage. I'm asking God for a miracle, too! Especially as a stay at home mom, he is the only adult I have to talk to, I have no close friends. He just isn't interested in what I have to say or real conversation, only telling me what is going on in other peoples lives he works with, or his friends or family. I'm so weary of it all.
Delete