Please don't misunderstand.
I trust my husband. Implicitly.
Quite honestly, he's never given me any reason to doubt him. So you can see why it caught him off-guard when I voiced my concern.
I told him I was uneasy about the lunch plans he had for that day. He was meeting one of his clients at The Gallery where they serve up some of the best fajitas in our small town. It was the usual kind of appointment, nothing special. As a literary agent, he often meets with authors to go over their books and contracts. It's all part of the job.
Except this particular client happened to be a woman - an intelligent and attractive woman - and it felt a bit funny to me.
I'm not saying I was downright jealous....merely uncomfortable with the plan.
Then he reminded me that the lunch was taking place in a public restaurant. That he was in no way attracted to this woman. That he would always and forever be faithful to me.
And I believed him.
But it didn't change how I felt about it.
Now maybe you're wondering if I've watched too many movies (perhaps). Or you suspect I have certain trust issues (not that I know of?). Or maybe - just maybe - it's that I've observed a number of marital tragedies around us over the years. So have grown slightly paranoid. That's another distinct possibility.
Well, in any case, I sure didn't like it.
Here's how I put it to him....
"Okay, let's go with the fact that you and I are happily married. But what about her? What if she isn't so-happily-married? What if she finds YOU rather attractive? Strong and sensitive? Hmmm...(trying not to get too emotional). That would be a bad thing too, wouldn't it??"
"Then what if nothing "happens". How about what other people might say who noticed the two of you dining together? Those who watched her throw back her head and laugh at your witty jokes? What rumors would start then...?"
Yes, what then.
So we talked about it for a long time. A very long time. And in the end, we came up with a policy that we both agreed on. Establishing not so much rules, as principles, on how we would protect our marriage.
Things We Would DO:
Listen carefully to the other's concerns. Even if the situation or person seemed "safe" in our eyes.
Make sure our own relationship is closely maintained. The more we look after what is on the inside, the safer we are from harm from the outside.
Keep an "open door" policy. I've easy access to his computer, his emails, and his voicemail. His passwords are all known to me. And vice versa.
Communicate to one another - generally where we're going and what we're doing. Keep in touch with each other throughout the day with a quick phone call or text message.
Think and speak with others in terms of "we" more than "I". We try not to leave doubt in anyone's mind that we are a committed couple who enjoy a strong and faithful love.
And Things We Would NOT Do:
Not consider ourselves invulnerable to temptation. That would be a big mistake.
Never keep secrets. If there's nothing hidden, there's little room for anything to grow.
Not develop close, personal relationships with the opposite sex - apart from each other. We approach those friendships as a couple, not as if we were separate entities (because we're not).
Never lie to each other. Always truthful - all the time.
Not privately counsel anyone of the opposite sex. If a woman is struggling in her personal life, he immediately pulls me into the discussion. The same goes for me, when the roles are reversed.
So whatever happened at The Gallery that day? Actually, I got to hear about it from our son...who was invited at the last minute by his dad to join him and Ms. Attractive Author for lunch. He reported that she was a very nice lady and that the fajitas were as fabulous as ever.
All of which made me smile. Reassured we were watching over our marriage.
Because Always-and-Forever-Faithful doesn't just happen - it's a loving commitment we make together.
This topic can be found throughout Scripture (especially in the book of Proverbs!), but here are a few verses to consider:
Your marriage is a beautiful gift to treasure and protect.
This topic can be found throughout Scripture (especially in the book of Proverbs!), but here are a few verses to consider:
Abstain from all appearance of evil (I Thess. 5:22).
Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways. Do not stray into her paths (Prov. 7:25).
Your marriage is a beautiful gift to treasure and protect.
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matt Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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I hope to see you over there - Darlene
We’re raising daughters in a “me” generation, where women are striving for power and beauty. As a mother of a teenage girl, I see how young girls long to be popular and in the process of clawing their way to the top, they lose focus of who they were created to be. Like you, I’ve been there myself. They are inundated with messages through the internet, television, and magazines that remind them of how they don’t measure up to perfection. Read more at The Better Mom
This is a fantastic post! I totally agree with the principles because my wife and I came up with very similar ones when we were first married and they have blessed our lives immensely. I'm going to share this post in my newsletter this week. It's great! Thank you for sharing!!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely wonderful! I had a bad feeling about a "friend", in fact, she was a very close friend. I told my husband I was uneasy and he blew me off, thinking I was just jealous. In fact, she did end up "putting the moves" on my husband. I just had an intuition. Guard your marriage! He came to me and was honest and now he trust my judgement. I just wish he would have believed me from the beginning. It would have saved me a lot of heart ache.
ReplyDeleteHave you read Hedges by Jerry Jenkins? This post reminds me a lot of his book. The first chapter describes a situation with a man and his secretary (based on people that Jerry really knows). Their relationship began with absolutely zero attraction to each other, but through a series of events, they developed mutual respect for and appreciation of each other which quickly became friendship, then affection, then attraction, and finally a full-blown affair. The entire premise of his book is that we should plant "hedges" around our marriage to protect it; we should be proactive when it comes to protecting our marriages even if some of the measures that we take seem outdated or outlandish. It is hands-down one of the best marriage books I've ever read. Our Sunday school class studied it a couple of years ago, and we have all benefited tremendously from that study.
ReplyDeleteIf you read the Bible carefully, sexual temptation is the only potential sin that we are told to run from...Paul literally tells us to "flee." Most other sins can be overcome with lots of prayer and guidance from the Holy Spirit, but sexual sin cannot be overcome that way. We have to run from it if we want to avoid it. Not wanting your husband to have lunch with an intelligent, attractive woman was probably the prodding of the Holy Spirit. You may trust your husband and he may be absolutely trustworthy, but he is human, he has a sin nature, and he is not infallible. I'm sure there are people out there who will think that sending your son with him was ridiculous, but I applaud both you and your husband for being willing to proactively protect your marriage. It's much easier to protect a marriage than it is to fix it!
Great post! We are faced with similar problems when we try finding an employee--young ladies applying and the job setting is my husband working alone with the individual in the barn. Just not a good situation to put yourself into.
ReplyDeleteMy Matt is a pastor/counselor, so we've really had to think about this. It would only take one accusation to ruin a reputation -his or a woman's. I once heard that Billy Graham wouldn't even ride in an elevator alone with a woman. This is really good counsel, Lisa.
ReplyDeleteI am grateful for posts like this. Really, it is SO important to watch over your marriage. I love the idea of talking about your "rules" or boundaries. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! I faced a situation where a single member of our congregation seemed to get a bit too interested in my husband's advise. Of course, he was flattered, but I brought my concerns to him in a humble manner and we agreed that we would both be very careful not to allow him into a situation where she may be tempted. (I trusted my husband completely.) And, it all worked out.
ReplyDeleteWonderful, wonderful post.
ReplyDeleteLove this :)
ReplyDeleteI find it absurd to put rules on opposite sex friendships. How possessive and oppressing is that!? Why would you do that? Why would you deny yourself or your soul mate the chance of having a really great friend, an incredible employee or client? Because you don't trust them that's why! If you can't tell someone to back off because you are happily married OR you are too worried that your soul mate will wonder away with out this "rule" then maybe you need to take another look at your life choice. Seriously ridiculous!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, God teaches that when you marry you then become one flesh with your marriage partner. While that does not mean that our individual personalities no longer exist, it does mean that selfishness has no place in marriage. Your attitude seems to be all about you with little concern for "your sole mate"... You would have to tare a little of "your sole mate" away from you in order to have a "really great friend" of the same gender as your spouse or as you say,"your sole mate". Think about it. It then becomes all about you doesn't it. You have placed yourself in the middle with your heart in two camps. You should be ashamed to put your spouse, "your soul mate", in that position.
DeleteMy husband and I don't necessarily have a "rule" that we've talked about. For us, it's more of an unspoken rule, born of respect. There is no reason for me to have male friends and no reason for him to have close female friends. I feel that it is disrespectful to him and our marriage, it is placing myself and someone else in a position to be tempted. We cannot ever believe that we are above temptation or sin because we are not. Your adversary the devil is like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. We can't let our guard down and think we're okay. We have to be proactive about the fight.
DeleteHubby and I are friends with a lot of couples, but never close friends with members of the opposite sex. There is no reason for you to be so rude, judgmental, and offensive about it just because you disagree. Lisa wasn't rude toward anyone else in her words and i think she deserves the same courtesy, as do the rest of us who subscribe to this way of thinking.
Anonymous, the other thing to keep in mind is that the author and her husband came up with these rules TOGETHER and agreed to follow them - she is not imposing these rules on her husband. Also, she does not say that these should be the rules for all couples. This is what works for them. I don't think she is saying you're wrong if you and your spouse come up with different boundaries.
DeleteThe key point I think she is trying to make is that you and your spouse should talk and set up boundaries to avoid situations that could end badly.
To (Anonymous)who thinks that this is absurd. Yes, you can have a good friend of the opposite sex, but 9 times out of 10 the relationship will become more than a friendship. The more time that you spend together the closer you will become and because you are of the opposite sex there is always that chance of physical attraction which can lead to problems. It is safer to protect yourself and your marriage by not having a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex. The only way that I would have a relationship like this would be if my husband and I both agreed to it and that I came to him and shared everything that we talked about and/or did.
DeleteGod's word tells us to avoid even the appearance of evil! What a wonderful example of a wife dynamically and appropriately protecting her marriage and her husband. Thank-you for a great post!
ReplyDeleteSo what did your husband actually do about his lunch plans!!?
Very good. Just go a bit further. My husband was a pastor for several years and yes, it would take only one woman or a young girl to make an accusation and his ministry would be finished. So we had several rules, he did not ride in elevators alone with women, he would wait for an empty one. No lunches, dinners, etc. without me. When we would pick up kids for youth group, he never went alone, one of our children would go with him. No hugging other women, hand shakes are fine. And yes, the appearance of evil can ruin a man and a relationship. You lose trust and it is very hard to get it back. Counseling is always with another trusted person, never just two people. Don't take this lightly and think nothing would happen. Anything can happen.
ReplyDeleteOur pastor will not counsel a women in his office without another women present. You have to protect your reputation. All committees within the church have to have an equal amount of women and men on them and in no way will a meeting take place where there is one women or one man in the room with all the other people being of the opposite sex. We also have a rule that the pastors wife has to be present when the pastor is counseling with a female from the youth group. When we first started going to our church the pastor stopped by one evening while out on visitation. He came to share more with us about the church, etc. My husband was not at home, just me and the kids. The pastor told me that he had a rule that he would not enter the house unless my husband was there. So he stood out on the porch with me and the kids and chatted for a few minutes and made plans to come back when my husband was home. These are all ways to protect yourself and the other person involved.
Deletethank you so much for this new knowledge. I'm not married yet so it's even better because I get to pin it for later USE!! God bless You abundantly for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI am go thankful to know I am not alone with these thoughts. I have been called a crazy-jealous wife before. I have tried to explain, it's not that I don't trust my husband, I just don't trust satan. It's his job to steal, kill and destroy and I believe that includes my God-honoring marriage. Try to imagine responses I've gotten from people who wonder why we (neither my husband nor myself) have a FB acct....that get's a lot of people. No apologies here---just trying to protect what is mine. My marriage!
ReplyDeleteagreed but when one is determined to have a secret life, guidelines don't help.
ReplyDeleteProtect your marriage, yes. Demonize the single women in your church, no. I speak as a woman whose marriage was destroyed because of an unfaithful husband, and so I know all too well the dangers that can present themselves, from both parties. It is terribly hurtful, however, when married woman act as though single women are all out to steal their husbands. Married ladies, show a little grace to women who are hurt and abandoned, and don't be so quick to cast a suspicious eye on that woman sitting along in church or elsewhere. Be wise, yes, but do not be cruel.
ReplyDeleteGood post. I have always respected my husband of 20 years as a man of God who would always do the right and godly thing. For the last couple of years, he's worked very closely with a fun-loving and gorgeous woman. He's just filed for divorce from me (we have a 16 yr old son).
ReplyDeleteI don't think he's had a "physical" affair with her (but it definitely sounds like an "emotional" affair). They are extremely close and he does things with her and her family (she is married and has 2 children). He's brought her car home to install and fix brakes (even putting the brakes on our credit card). He's been telling her everything about our marriage. He's been getting his emotional needs met there while I see him only about 1.5 hours a day.
And now he thinks it's OK to date someone else while we are in the midst of a divorce and he is still living in the house with me and our son.
I completely trusted him and never questioned his relationship with his coworker (I had even jokingly referred to her as my husband's "work wife"). I see I should have been more proactive.
My point is, as the author says, the most godly and principled person can fall. Not only can he or she make a "mistake" but he or she can justify in his or her mind that what they are doing is OK and that they somehow "deserve" it.
Fantastic post!!! My hubby is always in meetings with different women and he is uncomfortable doing that. I told him I TRUST him. I told him to talk to me about his lunch meetings. At one point there was a woman who was really going after him. He told me about it and I suggested that he always have another man with him. So he did and now he is ok. He is actually much stricter about it than I am. We have a fabulous marriage and I know he still loves me ;) He is a wonderful father and husband. I also feel the same way. If a man whom I am meeting with likes me I will do my best to make sure I am not alone with him. In my line of work I have a male boss but he has no attraction to me at all. I know it based on how he treats me. I agree with everything...Do not have a dinner or lunch with somebody that is eyeing you when you are married to somebody else. I am so thankful that my hubby feels comfortable talking to me about these things. I am a very logical and scientific person so I speak logic rather than emotion. I think it is a mistake when a wife reacts emotionally in this situation. I do caution in how you react! A husband wants to know if his wife trusts him or not. ;)
ReplyDeleteHolly
If only I could have read this over a year ago. My husband and I went through something similar. We didn't handle it in a Godly manner and I don't think we'll ever go back to what we once had. We are both christians and love The Lord but we really got into a dark place when temptation struck. The lies and betrayal - even though nothing physical happened, as far as I'm told, still sting and I feel raw and hurt when I think of what we went through. Satan had a field day with us back then and our marriage hasn't recovered. Even though we love each other so much love doesn't conquer all. Love wasn't what it took to overcome the temptation my husband felt. In hindsight its wisdom and communication that would've got us through. Just as is explain here.
ReplyDeleteLisa what a great post today. When I had been married 10 years my best friend at the time thought she'd like to have my husband instead of hers and started making moves through words. The Lord was faithful to us and allowed my husband eyes to be opened and gave him the way out of falling into temptation. From that ordeal we knelt before the Lord and vowed to not allow Satan to get a foot hold in that area ever. My husband & I have taken some of the same stands you have posted as you & your husband have. We too made decisions to protect that sacred ground that only the Lord has given to us(in June we will be married 36 years). I thank Him for his grace and mercy every day. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteThankful to see someone else addressing this. We agree in our marriage never to be alone with the opposite sex - that includes alone in a restaurant or any other other public place. One does not need isolation to develop an attraction. Great post!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your article. Your points were all valid. I wish most couples would take their marriages so seriously then our divorce rate would not be so high.
ReplyDeleteI was married, for 30+ years, to a Godly, faithful, well respected, family man,...or, so, I thought...I, too, TRUSTED, my husband...we had all of the same, "Things We Would Do's," in place. We had agreed, (I thought), on our "safe" concerns. We had a married, intimate relationship, were involved with church, and family, maintained daily prayer and study. We had an "open door" policy, on phone, e-mail, etc. We always told each other, when, where, and what, we were doing. (at least, I was honest) We talked, or texted, numerous times, daily. We were together, as a couple, at church, activities, etc. Now, for my reality...my husband was just pacifying me...so I wouldn't suspect. I found out, "Where there is a will, there is a way!" So, unless, you have a tracking device, or are with your spouse, 24-7, it’s possible to find time. He had a secret e-mail account, a pay-as-you-go phone, and a "love nest." He would call or text me, (using our phones, as usual), and would always answer my calls, or texts. Since, he was on "salary," his so-called, "overtime," wasn't traceable. He found, he could use the company car and gas, for "their" outings, and keep our money he would save on personal gas, for "Her." He took on odd jobs, (which, wasn't new. He had done extra work, for years, and years) He would give me x amount, in cash, in payment for the job. But, he really made xx amount, so he would pocket the rest. He sold items, for extra money, and would say he pitched it, because it broke, etc., if I missed it. He was treasurer for our church, and took money from the offerings. We were not, by any means, well off, financially. He knew how much he could get by with, before I would get suspicious, because, after all, I TRUSTED, my husband. He had an answer for everything. It got to the point, he was so tangled, in the lies, he started making mistakes. He didn’t know how to tell the truth, anymore. He lied, at times, he didn’t even need, too. So, I learned, the hard way, to NEVER, SAY NEVER! From outward appearance, you wouldn't have ever imagined! Family, church, community, are still in shock! But, Satan is the master of illusion, and deceit! He can make the grass, VERY green, on the other side! He can make a man into a wolf, in sheep's clothing, right, before your eyes. He is patient, and knows our weakness. NO BODY, is exempt from his subtle abilities to tear families apart, slowly, but ever so, surely! Sadly, darkness swept over my now-ex-husband. God willing, his children, family, friends, and myself, all tried everything, humanly, possible, to reclaim his heart, and our marriage. He gave up his religion, his respect, his family, his grandchildren, and his job, for the Ultimate Grand Illusion! We continue to pray. And, every time, I watch, Fireproof, I pray to God, above, for a great and wonderful healing, of our marriage, "While, I'm Waiting."
ReplyDeleteWOW What an amazing post! I had a similar situation happen with my husband and I. I trust him with my whole heart and I know he feels the same way about me. But I felt funny about him hanging out with a friend at his friends girlfriend house. This is because the said girlfriend didn't have a very good track record. I voiced my concerns to my husband and we talked about. I told him that I have no issue with him hanging out with his friend just where they were hanging out at. Now my husband either does the hanging out at our house or a mutual place. He always texts or calls to let me know what the plan is and makes it very clear to everyone that he has vows to me, that I'm his best friend, and that he will always have my best interest at heart. Our trust, love, and understanding comes from a very open relationship with no secrets like the examples that you gave.
ReplyDeleteThe most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years and wondering where the love went.
ReplyDeleteIt is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things. For him:
1. To accept everything that you know and do not know about her now.
2. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age - for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if she is later disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you promise now to accept her.
3. To forgive her later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others' forgiveness.
4. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship - otherwise it will get boring.
If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience.
If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, then you show her that you are capable of justifying forsaking her for a younger, shapelier rival when she gets older. If you are able to restrain yourself when your attraction for her is at its highest, then you show her that you are capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.
Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College. (LoveIsAPromise.wordpress.com)