That's the kind of marriage she said she'd always wanted. She wanted to love, to laugh, and to hold on the way he and I did. She was only a little girl.
Now here she stands a young woman.
So I find each day I've got some thought on love and and loving that I want to share with her. Suddenly it feels more urgent to pack in everything I've ever wanted her to know.
But I found myself a bit hesitant to say what was on my heart on this particular day. She pressed me, "What, Mama? What is it?"
I answered slowly and carefully. "I think you should know that some day, at some point, your dream man is going to say or do something that's going to make you mad. M-A-D. Mad."
She looked up at me without understanding.
And I continued.
"Well, I know it's hard to imagine right now, but you should be ready for the eventuality that he WILL infuriate you. As in, make you a little crazy. And when that happens, I want you to remember our conversation today.
Because if you're not prepared? It might throw you off. Knock you off your feet. Make you wonder if you're really meant for each other."
I felt her lean into me. For a brief moment she was my little girl again, but only for a moment. Then this lovely young woman beside me asked, "But what...what if we were really, really determined to love each other. Like you and dad. Then he wouldn't make me crazy-mad would he?"
Maybe not. Maybe she'll be different than me. Different than you.
But I kinda doubt it.
So rather than wistfully hoping we'll never get angry with him, why not prepare ourselves for what to do "if" that happens? You know, in case he ever hurts your feelings. Forgets your birthday. Picks up annoying habits. Leaves his laundry on the floor - for the hundredth time. Says the wrong thing. Or something strange like that.
What then?
10 Sane Steps For When He Makes You Crazy
1. Wait until you cool down. Before saying or doing anything. A really good first step.
2. Pray about it. Yes, I really mean that. Prayer can settle your soul and clarify your thinking. Pray for him and pray for yourself.
3. Determine whether it's worth "fighting" for. It might simply be an offense you can overlook. Or maybe not.
If not....
4. Clearly identify the issue. Maybe it was only a "small" thing, but it's significant to you for your own reasons. Be ready to explain those reasons the best you can.
5. Approach him in love. This means not coming after him with eyes blazing (see #1).
6. Be prepared to listen. He might - just might - have his own side to the story. Hear him out too.
7. Give him time. He could need to think about it (and keep praying while he's thinkin'!).
8. Be ready to forgive. Not necessarily because he deserves it. Or that it's easy. But because you've been forgiven much too.
9. Let it go. Don't hold on and let bitterness take root. And don't throw it in his face the next time it happens (Did I say "next time"...? Ugh.).
10. Choose to love him. All over again. And then again.
Hopefully you're not like me. You're even-keeled and nothing ever bugs you or hurts your feelings. You never get mad or frustrated with him. It's smooth-sailing for you and I'm so glad that it is. Truly.
But for those of you - like my daughter - who struggle with much the same things as me? You might want to consider taking these Ten Steps.
Because if you're gonna go crazy, I say you might as well be crazy for him.
In His grace,
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of Matthew L. Jacobson, literary agent and writer, and together they enjoy raising 8 children. Please join her over at Club31Women, a blog for any wife, mother, or sister who is looking for Biblical encouragement and inspiration.
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I have trouble with #4- I find that it's often a "small" thing that has huge significance to me. Like the quinoa incident. It wasn't really about the quinoa... but that's what I yell about- not the fact that I feel that he doesn't give me the best of himself. Yeah. #4. I struggle with it.
ReplyDeleteI love this! Thanks, Lisa!
ReplyDeleteLove this list! Going to have memorize it, lol. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. It always helps to get advice from those who have already trodden the path.
ReplyDeleteI'm am struggling big time right now. I realize I get this way (crazy for lack of a better term) it makes me want to give up, run away, shut down and keep to myself. I am grateful that I recognize this behavior but I still don't know how to prevent it or how to quickly get myselft out of it
ReplyDeletePersonally, me its learning to be quiet and listen, he brought out the side that I really didn't like but he was right by guiding me. Even if I thought differently when I stopped and watched what he was saying he was right. I also had the softer side that he didn't understand. But he knew I was right. We balanced each other.
ReplyDeletePraying was my saving grace, even when I was hurt by his actions it always saved me from making matters worse. Him coming to me later when he knew he went to far. Sometimes
silence is bliss.
33 years.
Sometimes I will go into the conversation calm and we end up yelling because he denys everything I bring to his attention some are lies and some are just an unwilling to admit. What can I do to make it easy for him to be open with me and vonerable to admit his wrong doings...i am always open with him... he is also very passive
ReplyDeleteMy husband is also passive-agressive and tends to go on the defense, even about small things, which then, of course, become big things. :) The thing that seems to be working best lately is to give him a sort of warning first - to prepare him so that he doesn't feel so ambushed or attacked. For me it goes something like this "Hey, Babe, can I talk to you about something." He usually says yes. Then I preface what I say with "I'm not trying to offend you. I really need you to hear me out first." And then I proceed to tell him what I need to say. Something about putting it out there that we can talk rationally and that I'm really not "out to get him" seems to help him to prepare mentally and think about his response ahead of time. Of course, it doesn't work perfectly and I really have to be in the right frame of mind and spirit to approach him in that calm manner first. Sometimes I'm so angry that I blow it, but when I remember to approach the issue calmly and openly, with the assurance that I'm not trying to pick on him or hurt him, it really seems to help.
DeleteThis was a great post. I love that last line. It's no secret that husbands can and most likely will drive us crazy at some point. But I want to be crazy for him first and foremost! I definitely felt ya with the "leaves his laundry on the floor - for the hundredth time." That one really gets me, so thank you for these tips!
ReplyDeleteThose moments of craziness remind me of what it feels like to be in a deep depression. It's those moments when he prays for me because I can't pray for myself. It's time like that which reminds me of how much he really does love me. He's had to remind me himself over and over that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me or put me in danger because he just loves me like that. I love your articles and repost on my FB profile for all the struggling young woman on my "friends list" who need to hear your words of wisdom. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us so we can be reminded that we are not the only one's going through these struggles.
ReplyDeletegreat advice! my husband qualifies for a full 12 step program some days. I'm printing this off so I can reference it and remember it! thank you
ReplyDeleteThis is a good list, one I wish I had a long time ago. I am in my third marriage. It has taken me this long to really 'get it.' The only thing I would add, and maybe it's a given, or maybe not, is to love Jesus more than your husband. This happens naturally when you recognize that Christ loves you more. Seek that on a daily basis, know it, live it. Christ loves you more. Then, loving Him more comes naturally and, use the list.
ReplyDeleteWhat happens if you express yourself over and over again and nothing changes?
ReplyDeleteI wish I had an answer for that too...My husband has an acquired brain injury and sometimes we will make progress and then he will completely forget we even talked and we go back to the same old script... I don't yell back anymore, I sit, I switch off, I ignore... and somehow I manage not to walk out... but it is a close call some days... so when you find an answer, let me know :)
DeleteI hear ya! It's hard when you express yourself time and time again and lay your heart out there, and nothing happens. sometimes its just hard to be patient,, esp. when it seems like you've been patiently waiting on what seems like forever. It's good to be encouraged, but sometimes its just plain hard. Will continue to try these steps and not give it! Hoping for the best.
DeleteYou keep praying and trust God that he's growing both of you to himself. We get so busy pointing at our husbands that we forget we're not perfect. My husband is a recovered drug addict so I understand believe me. Life isn't easy but it's easier when we trust God not ourselves.
DeleteIt also helps to keep a list of verses to refer back to when you are MAD... 1 Corinthians 13:4-8; Galatians 5:22-23; Philippians 4:8 are some of the many verses that I refer back to when upset. If we can put everything under the perspective that Christ forgave us, then we should never get to the point that we can't forgive someone else.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time here (I've seen your posts shared by my cousin on Facebook a lot, though, I need to like your page!). Do you have any articles about when it's your fault? When you are the one in the wrong or have done something you said you wouldn't?
ReplyDeleteThis is a blessing, I will make sure to tell my daughter this. Wish I had this advice early on in marriage. But we are yet holding on around year 5 I was in this place. Thank God we just celebrated 10 years in April.
ReplyDeleteThis is a blessing, I will make sure to tell my daughter this. Wish I had this advice early on in marriage. But we are yet holding on around year 5 I was in this place. Thank God we just celebrated 10 years in April.
ReplyDeleteOh!! It took me a few years to figure it out. As a new wife I was so determined 'not to let a man walk over me', that I ended up getting on his case over the smallest little things. We were both miserable, and nearly ended our our marriage.
ReplyDeleteThank God, we both decided to put in the effort, and worked it out. Now I pick my battles with extreme caution. It's a daily choice to focus on the good things he brings to my life. And when there is a big issue that needs addressing, I've learned not to have an emotional fit about it (men don't understand emotional-language anyway). I think about what I'm going to say carefully, tell him that I need to talk about something, say what I have to say, and let it go.
I still need to hold my tongue, when I have to pick up his wet towels, or if he's yapping on his phone, while I'm watching my favourite program on TV. I'm grateful that when I said "For better or for worse", the 'worst' ended up being annoying habits, and not violence or alcohol. I only wish I knew all of this when I was a young wife.
Love is a verb, and a choice you have make over and over again.
Love this.. My daughter got married a yr ago to a wonderful young man..love him dearly but I have always tried to be honest with her about how marriage really is..I had friends who got married thinking it was just like a Disney Movie... and were very up set when it did not got as GREAT as they thought it should... so my girls have seen me get mad at there Dad for what ever but always forgive and move on... I have tried to instill in them that marriage is GREAT but a lot of hard work... You did a great job thank you for putting it in to wods..
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. I needed the reminder today, and I needed to see the steps I sometimes skip when I'm feeling frustrated. Bless you!
ReplyDeleteNumber 7 is most difficult for me, but it's so much better when I remember to let him have some space to sort out his own feelings. Otherwise, we spend a couple of hours "banging our heads against a brick wall" and getting nowhere. :) On the other hand, if I walk away from it, he always comes back to me when he's ready to talk and things are resolved so much more quickly!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this wisdom. It seems so simple but we all know it's not. I want to print it and hand it out to ladies at my church lol. Maybe at the next ladies group!
ReplyDeleteLeaving dirty laundry on the floor is the least of my worries. I wish it was that simple. When trust has been broken time after time it gets hard to feel love for him instead of resentment. It's extremely easy to lash out at him or not speak to him for days. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying with him and trying to work things out but I find myself second guessing that decision all the time. I feel like he makes me insane. I freak out about everything now even the very little things. The trust has been broken. I wanted God to restore it, but I am growing weary in waiting on God. At what point is it okay to say goodbye?
ReplyDeletePlease seek Godly counsel about your relationship with your husband. I am no professional but there were a couple "flags" in your comments: trust, resentment, confusion about right and wrong, anxiety, false-guilt.
Delete