No, I didn’t back down.
Not this time.
She was wrong about it. I just needed to keep explaining why until she understood. Except it didn't work out like that. I thought I was adding clarity. So why wasn’t she nodding in thoughtful agreement? Instead, the temperature kept rising until Lisa yelled (spoke with a firm tone, she says) and said (yelled),
“I don’t care if I’m wrong. I just want to know that you care how I feel. I want to know that you are hearing me.”
Marriage communication – sometimes building a bridge to Mars seems less complicated. Why is that? Why do the simplest things become another opportunity for tension or disagreement?
Lisa will quickly tell you what makes the difference for her: Being listened to, having the sense that she is being heard. Can you identify with that? Do you want your husband to hear you when you have something on your mind?
Here are 8 Tips to Help Him Hear Your Heart:
Recognize Your Power. That’s right, you are a powerful person in the life of your husband. Many wives don’t feel powerful and therefore don’t recognize this reality but that is a major mistake. The Bible speaks of your power to influence your man without uttering a word.1 Peter 3:2 says that a wife’s godly character and lifestyle, along with deep respect, can move a man to a saving knowledge of Jesus. If your character and godly witness can do that, it can go a long way in gaining his ear.
Be Specific. Don’t barrage him with many concerns at the same time. The most difficult times I’ve had “hearing” Lisa is when there were 37 things she wanted to talk about all at the same time. We guys can get impatient if it seems like “everything’s” wrong. Spend some time deciding what are the most important things you want him to “hear” and stick to those.
Watch Your Tone (and countenance) because a soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Prov 15:1. The way you speak to your husband is your responsibility. If he chooses to be unkind, you can still be holy in your response (not self-righteous, but holy).
Pick Your Time and Place. Be wise, thoughtful, and purposeful. Do you have something on your mind? So does he! Think through what headspace he is in. If he’s walking in the door from a day at work, count on there being better times to get him to sit down and focus on what is on your heart.
Express Your Genuine Gratitude First. Sure, your man slays dragons, leaps tall buildings, and does a lot of heavy lifting in life but for all that, he’s a person. People want to be appreciated. There’s nothing like genuine praise and thankfulness to open ears to hear what you have to say.
Be a Good Friend. Have you been your husband’s friend? True friendship speaks of loyalty, genuine interest, care for how he’s doing, etc. You see, the Bible says, faithful are the wounds of a friend Prov 27:6. If Lisa has something challenging to say (trust me, it happens) I can hear it because she has cultivated her friendship with me. I know her wounds are faithful – coming from a heart that is with me and for me.
Be a Generous Lover. Withholding intimacy is a powerful weapon that is used regularly in many Christian marriages in order to get what is wanted or as payback. Don’t ever do this. Why? Because using sex in this way is sinful and very destructive: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
Ask God for His help. Too often we approach challenges in our own strength. Seek God – ask Him to help your husband to develop ears to hear you and ask Him to help you approach your man in a way that makes it easier for him to hear.
Change doesn't often come overnight, but these few changes in your approach will help tremendously in your goal of being heard. Are some of you still feeling cynical that he’ll just never change and become a listener? Remember, you serve the God who made the stars. Shining light in dark places is His specialty. Do your part, walk in love, and trust Him.
MatthewLJacobson.com or find Matthew on facebook.
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Love this!!
ReplyDelete"Remember, you serve the God who made the stars. Shining light in dark places is His specialty. Do your part, walk in love, and trust Him." Thank you for sharing heart, I think a lot of us ladies needed to hear this today. I know I did!!
You two are precious! God Bless!
Love this!
ReplyDeleteGood advice. Gratitude goes a LONG way. My husband and I are both extremely stubborn and right. We have learned to be kinder when communicating. It is possible for HIM to change. But not because you want him to, because he wants to FOR you. When he handles something well, tell him. Make him feel that you notice and appreciate his efforts no matter how small. He remembers and will do it again. When WE change it enables him to, many times the reason he can't or doesn't is because we don't. We used to fight like a mad crazy couple, and I can honestly say I have the sweetest most supportive husband in the whole world and almost all of the credit is due to him.
ReplyDeleteas much as i know withholding sex is wrong when it's used as a way to get what you want, to teach a lesson, or as payback, sometimes, you just dont want that intimacy when you have been hurt, you need to heal a little first...as much as i know, it's my place to do the right thing, even if no one else is, sometimes, being the weaker vessel is just that, you need comfort from the man that is s'posed to love you as Christ loves the church... it works on both sides, and we can't always be the strong one. and i do know that 'vessel' is just that, it doesn't mean spiritually, i've always thought (correct me if i am wrong) that it means physically... (been married to the same man for 32 years, since we were both 17)
ReplyDeleteKim, in regards to us being the weaker vessel, I read an example by Debbie Pearl in her book Created To Be His Help Meet (HIGHLY recommend it). She says that God created men with armor, both physically and spiritually. They are more capable at handling blows from the world and attacks from the enemy. Because of this, they sometime seem cynical, always questioning first and believing later. In reality, this is God's design for men to stay strong and true to His word. Women, on the other hand, were created to be vulnerable creatures. God did not create us with this same armor because He intended for us to be soft and nurturing. As women, we are more susceptible to the lies from Satan (which is why he went after Eve instead of Adam. He knew she could be deceived). When we submit to our husbands and follow their lead, we are standing behind the armored one who was designed to protect us (yes, both physically and spiritually). It's such a beautiful design!
DeleteSister, the thing is we are not to do anything in our strength. We are to rely on HIS strength. That means in our relationships as well. This I am learning in my own relationship. Even our Christ didn't rely on HIS strength. HE stayed in fellowship daily with the FATHER. Congratulations on your long relationship it's a beautiful thing to be able to say. I too am hoping to get there. Love you in Christ.
DeleteSo, Ally...following your logic...who 'protects' the single woman? And when a single woman marries, is she suddenly now 'protected' by a man? I am so tired of the traditional Christian views of how a woman is somehow 'less' and a man is somehow 'more'. GOD is our protector...whether we are single OR married. God made man and woman in HIS image. We are equals. So, whether single or married...women have the SAME protector. JEHOVAH JIRAH.
DeleteGood insight from a man's perspective! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWonderful, thanks so much for sharing, many many blessings :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Matthew for this insight! Often times in the heat of a discussion I only see me and my needs and not my husband and his needs. Thank you for this road map, I plan to use it!
ReplyDeleteLoved this post - shared it with all my mommy friends. We were just talking about marriage. What a relevant and powerful article. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMonica
http://www.happyandblessedhome.com
Oh.
ReplyDeleteI will print this out and pray to become the type of woman God wants me to be.
Thank you, sir, for your perspective!
Thank you for sharing a husband's perspective! My husband and I have been through the 'valley of the shadow and death' and back in our marriage this past year and none of the healing that has taken place is humanly possible, but with GOD all things are possible. Our God is so incredible and his ways are glorious. There is not one day in the last 373 that I have not asked God to guide me in all aspects of my duties as wife and mother. I have found that the more I do the things that Mark has spoken about the deeper of a connection my husband and I have in conversation. It is also important, I might add, that wives realize that your concerns should always be brought to God in prayer first and then with a (and this is the reallllllyyyy important part) SELF-LESS heart bring your concerns to your husband. This marriage is about two people becoming one flesh working to glorify God, not about me working to win him over and glorify God on my terms. Every day we need to die to ourselves so we can serve our spouse with a servant heart.
ReplyDeleteSo good to hear this from my husband's perspective. As women, we get so caught up in what we need. Thank you!
ReplyDeletethank you, thank you! such timely advice for our lives...
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly enjoyed this post. It's definitely encouraging to hear a male's point of view concerning the marital relationship. thanks so much for opening my eyes to some areas that my marriage needs help with. Bless you!
ReplyDeleteI love this, getting a man's perspective! I appreciate the wisdom and advice found here, thank you for taking time to share with us as wives! :)
ReplyDeleteWonderful content...and wonderful to hear the man's viewpoint!
ReplyDeleteoof. I read these in prep for my future marriage if the Lord wills!! and I KNOW that I could SO put "being specific" and "picking the proper time and place" RIGHT NOW in CURRENT relationships! good stuff!
ReplyDeleteIf I just only know this at the early stage of our marriage ... but it's never too late :)
ReplyDeleteYour advice is right on, Biblical and wise. Thanks for putting it down and reminding us to use it!
ReplyDeleteWe (my husband and I) agree with everything except your rant on sex. That was totally out of left field and is not related to this discussion. We agree that some people may use sex as a weapon which is sinful, but no more than a husband that will not listen to his wife because he's not gett'n enough! What you said about sex may be true however it is ridiculous to include it in this discussion. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteTonia,
DeleteBelieve it or not, men want to be desired by their wife and physical intimacy is a significant part of the marriage relationship. After all, it is God's gift for the wedding!
More often than not, if there are issues in intimacy in marriage then there are issues in loving one another, communication, friendship, and the list goes on. Keep in mind, this is not a woman's point of view. This is a man's point of view which you will never fully understand. Just as a man will never fully understand a woman's point of view.
When a man feels wanted and loved by his wife, most men would do anything for them. It is a God conceived bond that brings your husband to you and helps keep his focus on loving his bride. Almost like he's feeling, "My wife loves me, bring on any challenge!"
You underestimate the power that intimacy has on your husband.
If you just drive down the street or turn on the tv, that should tell you that the world understands your husbands "needs" for intimacy and is trying to draw him from you into an adulterated form that so many are drowning in and destroy's many marriages every day.
I put it like this, Your husband goes out every day to a feast that is set before him no matter where he turns. Help him by feeding him so well at home that it gives him the strength to pass it by.
It is definitely relative to the discussion.
God Bless,
Guy
Tonia,
DeleteI don't understand how you called that a rant...out of left field. There was nothing at all that made me feel the author was "ranting". I will quote Guy here and say, "(Sex) is DEFINITELY relative to the discussion." ~Dee
Tonia,
DeleteI suggest you study the book Song of Solomon and also read the book Intimate Issues - The Dillow Book and this may help you clear up some things.
Loved this! Thank you : )
ReplyDeleteHubby and I are best friends, but it seems like we've been hitting heads lately. Thanks for the suggestions. They sound doable!
ReplyDeleteWhere have you been all my marital life? Have sent this to my dear wife...
ReplyDeleteI just went through an issue with my husband that could have killed our marriage. Neither of us had been listening to the other nor were we submitted to God or each other like we thought. When the confrontation happened, I was ready to fix the situation with poisonous words that would have hurt him more than any physical pain I could have inflicted because he had cut me to the core. However, I serve a God who is mightier than me and knows my weaknesses. I had just finished "Liberate Through Submission" (highly recommend even if it sound like an oxymoron) and decided it was best to submit my thoughts and words to the Holy Spirit. As my husband began to confess his wrongdoing, I realized I had not been his best friend lately and I heard myself asking him "Have you talked to God about any of this? Because really this isn't about me and you. This is about you and the Holy Spirit." The Holy Spirit really convicted both of us and has taken the feelings I usually would have of revenge away. I know my husband needs me to be his best friend and for us both to be transparent in our relationship. Why am I sharing this? Because many of the things in this article weren't happening in my marriage, and now we are having to both be intentional in everything we say and do and follow these principles more closely.
ReplyDelete